Be Careful What You Ask For--It Might Happen

This is just in reference to this post by me

I seriously thought of posting this to The BBQ Pit, but I don’t think the results qualify it, sorry.

Anyhow, to synopsize for those wo don’t click on the link, the short story is my wife is being overwhelmed by family situations, the rest of the family is being shitheads about it, and I decided to get her (and me) the heck out of it.

I said words to the effect that being in the states wasn’t far enough, I was going for an expat job. As far away from Niceville, Fl as possible.

I said it woud take at least a year… Maybe more.

Turns out, it took less. A lot less.

Without going into a lot of unnecessary detail, I have been offered a job back on Kwajalein, Marshall Islands. An hour ago. I have the weekend to think about it and discuss it with the wifey. We’ll hash out the details on Monday.

We lived there before 1984-1988. This time in our lives, it is kinda scary. Things are a LOT more complicated. Impending death or nursing home care for her parents, impending marriage next year for our daughter, it ain’t simple.

However, as I stated in the referenced thread, I AM getting my wife out of this crap-shit situation, and if Ihave to leave the country to do, that’s just fine…whatever it takes.

It’s just…kinda scary. I never believed that things would happen this fast. Guess I’ll soon be asking the mods for a name change from LiveOnAPlane to LiveOnAnIsland.

Just asking for your continued kind thoughts and best wishes. This is a tough thing, but I really meant what I said before. I just never thought, really, that things would happen this fast.

Thanks for listening, and please keep us in your thoughts.

This is just in reference to this post by me

Long time lurker here, but I’ll just pop up here and say I can understand your particular situation and hope you find the best solution for all.
I am going through a similar situation with my SO and her parents. Her mom has alzheimer’s disease, and her father is recovering from a stroke.
Both are in their 80’s.
They have 10 kids, but it’s all been dumped on her to handle.

Personally, any island - with or without employment, sounds good to me. :slight_smile:

Best wishes to you and you family.

Gah…can’t even quote properly.

I’m not trying to be contrary or pick on you here, really. How does your wife feel about moving? You sound pretty unilateral in your decision. She may be going thru a very bad time, but does she really want to be 1000’s and 1000’s of miles from her parents? Even if they’re jerks?

I don’t think he’s saying that the parents are jerks. It’s the siblings who aren’t giving her any support.

If you do accept this position, I hope that you can find some counselling for your wife to help her deal with her feelings. I’m afraid that she may end up with feelings of guilt for leaving. (Believe me, I don’t fault her one bit. Sometimes it’s a matter of survival.)

If you stay in Florida, action needs to be taken immediately toward getting care for her parents and for your wife. She can learn to say “no more” loud and clear in Florida without either of you having to move away. But she will probably need counselling to do it.

You are a kind and loving husband. You may have to send certified letters to your wife’s siblings telling them what you will no longer do after a certain date and tell them not to contact you for a certain number of months – that your wife is sick. (She is. Sick and tired.)

If you decide to go, then dwell in peace. Revive yourselves. I will think of all of your family.

By all means, get the hell out of Dodge.

First of all, worst case scenario there are always planes to come back. And I assume there are phones where you are moving, so the occasional call home will suffice.

Sounds to me like you all need a break, and a fresh start will give you and your wife a different perspective. Impending death, nursing home and daughter’s marriage are all things that you have no control over - whether you live one mile away, or 10,000 miles away,

And perhaps the distance will help everybody take a deep breath and do what they have to do, without you and your wife having to micro-manage the entire family.

Keep in touch and let us know how things go!

I can relate to your situation with the in-laws, and I wish you and your wife the VERY best! Good for you for wanting to get her (and yourself) out of that situation! I hope it all works out well!

Thank you all, thank you thank you for the good wishes.

The question of this being a unilateral decision is quite valid. And I assure you, though it may sound like it is, such is not so. We are both driving this decision. We’ve had countless heart-to-heart talks on this issue. Guilty feelings, feeling like we are abandoning them, etc., are right up there.

I think my wonderful wifey said it best, though. At one point, she said, and I paraphrase here, “We are a family, too. This is a marriage and we are supposed to do what is best for this marriage, above all other relationships. If it comes to that, our marriage and lives together have to take priority.”

That may sound cold, and it is a difficult thing to actually put into action in some circumstances. But we are of a mind about this. Whether it helps or hurts your opinion of us, I do feel the need to explain that we are Christians and the overriding importance of the marriage bond is not just our personal belief but one that is interpreted by our church as also more important than parents or even children. Please don’t think I am proselytizing here, you can see from my prior posts that I do not do such.

And yes, the base problem is not the parents, it is her sisters and their stinking rotten attitude towards her and us and the situation itsellf. Believe me, we are in no sense abandoning the parents, they are there and can help…it’s just that while we are living in the same town, they do not step up to the plate, and I am convinced that as long as we are there, they never will. So, words failing to accomplish anything, action becomes the next alternative.

Yes, there is plane service to Kwaj. There are military flights a few times a week as well as commercial (Air Micronesia, a partner of Continental). The phone situation is far, far better than it was 20 years ago when we were there the first time. Now, you can pretty much get right through. Back then, you had to book a stateside call, and when one of the 3 available lines became available, the island operator would call you back and put your call thru.

I have had to put my personal pettiness and anger behind me and try to look at this objectively. I still don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but I do feel in my heart that it is. Am I certain? No. Am I a little bit afraid of such a radical move? YES.

We are still in the planning stage, but the bare bones plan is that I will go out there first. My wife will stay, probably for 6 months or so, and prepare everyone for her departure. It will not be a sudden leaving in the middle of the night, so to speak, leaving those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Listen, I am not coming from a “poor little me” standpoint. I am on the road all the time and do not have to deal with this. It is my wife that has got to have some relief. I would move to Timbuktu and live alone for the rest of my life if that would help her. I love her totally. I don’t really care about myself; I just want her to be happy, no matter what. I know this sounds so treacly sweet that you could get diabetes from reading it, but there you are. She is my whole life and the biggest unanswered question in my life is why on earth I ever scored such a fabulous, wonderful woman. I certainly married far, far better than I deserve.

Back in the bad old days when we were struggling just to survive, she never, not once complained. When our daughter was 5, I was back in school finally finishing my first degree, the only Christmas present we could afford was one of our niece’s cast-off bikes. I refurbished it, new handlebars, new fenders, stripped the frame down and repainted it. Sometimes during the process I would get so down and despairing, and she would come up and put her hand on my shoulder and tell me that this would be the best Christmas present ever because of the love and time I’d put in on it. When I got depressed because she was wearing her sister’s cast-offs, she repeatedly told me that this was not important, that we were working together to build a future and we were, by dang a team. She’s never complained and has always been behind be, supporting me 100%.

How can I do any less for her? I am hopelessly and forever in love with her, in like with her, and in debt to her. I would go to hell and back for this woman! I would crawl naked over 10 miles of broken glass, then 10 miles of salt and then swim a vinegar pool just to hear her pee into an empty tin can…over the phone! :wink:

So thank you again for the well wishes and support during this very difficult time. You don’t know how much your support is appreciated. No one is an island, after all and it means a great deal to both of us. I will continue, as before, to be here, they do have internet connectivity now on the island, so I’m afraid you will have to continue to put up with me.

You are all da best.

you are abso. right. your marriage does come first. it sounds like you have a good one and work hard at it.

i hope all goes smoothly for you.

Thank you, most sincerely.

Live On a Plane, if you’ll excuse my saying so, I laughed out loud when I read the OP. One thing I’ve noticed about taking this whole Christianity business seriously – God does answer prayers, or at least very interesting coincidences happen.

You’re a good man, from what I’ve seen of you, and you and your wife deserve better. Yes, by moving to Kwajalein you’d be forcing the issue, but sometimes that’s the only way to deal with what others are refusing to face. You’ve got my prayers and good wishes, not only for you and your wife, but for her whole family. You two sound like a good couple and a good team, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Peace be with you,

I very much understand this type of situation and it’s so unfair.

I must bring this to your attention, because I think it’s important information.

Macular degeneration causes victims to see lights, people and monsters that are not there. Victims of Macular Degeneration are often thought delusional and crazy. I hope you will put her mother on the path of a possible solution. Once patients know what’s going on they can rationalize away the existence of what they see, verses what’s there.

Charles Bonnet syndrome is what the delusions are.
This page gives other causes of Charles Bonnet syndrome , but they all have to do with sight deterioration.

A second site.

Hi, neighbor.
My mother was in a similar situation many many years ago–but she didn’t get out. I was just a kid but was still very aware of the unfairness.
I very much admire you and your wife–good for you two!

Hmm. That is very interesting. And worth checking out. I’ll pass it along to her doctor & see what he might find. Never heard of such before, so thank you for the tip!

And thanks again to the rest for their well wishes.

They’ll be calling me back Monday night and we’ll go over the offer in detail. Now if I could only get the butterflies out of my stomach… :slight_smile:

I now feel that anybody who is helping family, or a couple neighbor’s absolutely needs a break from them after a year. By that time they are demanding more everyday on top of what they did at first. Peoples habbits get real annoying by that time also. I stopped talking to my neighbor totaly, for three years, because the demands and the same subjects of talk were driving me crasy. I couldn’t cut back a little either. The only solution was no contact.

I hope the doctor finds out some good news for your MIL. The eye disease is a much better senario than the current.