"Be supportive" WTF???

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last night, I got some disturbing news. Hallgirl2, who will be 22 in February and who has moved to Minot to live with her boyfriend (he’s in the Air Force and is stationed there), and who has had an unsteady history with college (blew off her first semester, blew off her third semester and is passing this semester by the skin of her teeth) is pregnant. Oh, and she’s marrying BoyFriend.

For the past year, nearly EVERY single conversation I’ve had with her, she’s mentioned how/when/how much money she needs to leave BoyFriend. This time last year, she moved into her own apartment, but then moved back in with him when he had an accident on his quad and was in the hospital. They fight like cats and dogs. Actually, I think he’s a pretty decent guy, but Hallgirl2 is a complete b*tch. (She’s always been this way, so this is not something brand new.)

I’m all for making ones own decisions when one is an adult. Want to drop out of school? Go for it. Want to move across the country? Go for it. Want to get a crappy job paying $9 per hour that you hate every single minute while you’re there? Go for it. Want to marry your boyfriend whom you spend way too many conversations with other people discussing how you’re going to leave him because all you do is fight? Go for it.

But, I’m absolutely livid that she would consider bringing a child into this situation. I’m beyond livid.

This is a person who has been saying for the past 21 years how she doesn’t want to get married, she doesn’t want to have kids, because there is so much she does want to do–get her degree, travel, get a wonderful job. She’s full of contempt for those friends she does have who got pregnant and got married (or didn’t get married), and who gave up, or severely altered their dreams and goals. Now, she’s in a very similiar boat as the people she once held in contempt.

Hallgirl1 says, “We have to be supportive.” She’s afraid that if Hallgirl2 get too pissed at us, then we will never see the grandchild/niece/nephew. And, she’s right. Hallgirl2 hold grudges and hangs onto them for dear life, never hesitating in bringing them up years later. But, be “supportive”…I’m at a loss, a complete and utter loss with how to “be supportive”. What in the hell does that mean?

When she calls and says that she’s had yet ANOTHER fight with BoyFriend/soon to be husband…what’s the right thing to do here? I cannot support a marriage, support dragging an innocent child into the Hell Marriage (their relationships has been the Hell Relationship, so I’m assuming the marriage will be similiar, if not worse). I think of the poor child and I sob.

My eyes hurt from crying. My heart is breaking. And I am so disappointed and hurt and angry, I can’t do anything, let alone be “supportive”, even if I knew how.

Tell me, how can I be “supportive” without being a hypocrit and giving the impression that everything is simply lovely?

Where in the hell is the heartbreaking smilie when you need it?

2

Screw “supportive.” Go for supportive.
The difference is that “supportive” is saying “okay, dear…whatever you want to do, I’ll support.”
Supportive is reminding her that it’s her happiness in life at stake, and backing her up with her actual feelings, rather than just her mood.

3

never mind

4

Is #2 your daughter? Is #1 your wife? Just trying to figure out the relationships, here.

No matter what the relationship, you’re under no obligation to be supportive (or even act supportive) of something which you know to be wrong. You can love someone without telling them what they’re doing is right.

5

I see a couple of positives – the boyfriend being a decent guy and Hallgirl 2 going to school.

You could be supportive by reminding her that she can still achieve her goals with a husband and a child. She probably knows that she’s a bit of a screw-up – maybe she needs someone to tell her that she’s capable of coping with all this.

How does the boyfriend feel about the pregnancy?

6

I so feel your pain, though my idiot bitch daughter was 20 when she got pregnant and decided to keep the baby.

I am now going to make you feel horrible. I hope this doesn’t happen to you.

It is very hard to be supportive when you can only see the flashing light that says TRAINWRECK A’COMIN.

When my daughter had her boyfriend call me and tell me she was pregnant, I was so disappointed and unhappy. She has done nothing in the three years since my grandson was born to make me any happier. Though I love my grandson Michael beyond reason, I still wish she had used one of her other options rather than keeping the kid.

When I talked to the daughter and sperm-donor, I explained their options: abortion, adoption, keeping the baby. Knowing what a crazy bitch my daughter is, and having become familiar with the loser her boyfriend was, and being pro-choice I seriously pushed for abortion. When we passed that point, up until the day Michael was born, I pushed for adoption. After Michael was born and I realized my daughter was not going to grow a brain and ensure that he got a decent life by giving him to someone who could offer him that, I started being as involved as possible in Michael’s life.

My daughter and the baby daddy are two of the most useless people on earth right now. My daughter is all talk and no action. Neither one of them tries to keep a job. I have never been fired in my life and here’s my stupid daughter getting fired from every job she has! She has been talking about going to school to become who knows what for the last 4 years with no movement in that direction. There is not one person in my family who doesn’t wish my daugher would change. Her sister is a huge flake (without kids) and even she can’t understand what is wrong with the idiot child. All the lunatic’s grandparents are at a loss as to what to say, and you know my Mom and MIL would be giving advice like nobody’s business if they weren’t plain stunned.

Three months ago, I started getting really worried about Michael’s lack of language development. My husband and I started spending even more time with him…three or four days a week. You could see the change in him. Three weeks ago, my daughter and my bi-polar husband got into a huge fight and she decided that we can’t see him anymore. He calls me on the phone and cries that he can’t come over and see gramma and the puppies. He asks me to come get him. It breaks my heart.

Here’s where you can start feeling better. Yesterday I swallowed my pride and asked my still incredibly irritating and bitchy daughter to lunch without Michael. I asked her to consider getting mental health care for her obvious problems, including her anger management issues. I told her I would be happy to take guardianship of Michael if she needed it. I did not comment on what a loser she is, though everybody can see it. I did not tell her that I was still worried that Michael will never learn to talk if she doesn’t quit treating him like a pet. I did not steal into her house in the night and steal Michael away, though I want to more than anything in the world.

I’m going to give her a couple of days to digest that. Then I’m going to try to get my grandbaby back to visiting a lot so that I can make sure he’s getting the attention he needs and deserves. Because there’s little else I can do. I can’t make my daughter change.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is you have to bite your tongue* about most things if you want a relationship with the grandchild. And that no matter how bad your daughter is, that grandbaby may be the best thing ever.

Feel free to email me anytime and we can swap bitchy daughter stories.

ETA: Didn’t answer the OP. Tell her the truth about how this is going to change her life. Tell the truth about how hard it will be if the relationship ends. Tell her the most important thing is the baby. Be honest, because she needs to hear it.

*Caveat: If there is actual danger to the child, don’t bite your tongue! Do what is necessary to protect the child.

7

stretch, your story made me want to cry.

I sometimes feel like a fuck-up in my life (though I know I am not). I am comforted by the fact that at least I never brought a child in to suffer with me.

8

Both Hallgirls are daughters.

I can already see her using this as an excuse to drop out of college, as she’s done nothing but bitch about MSU since she began there. The saving grace is that she’s financially responsible for it.

I think what disappoints me most is that she should have learned. See, I was 17 when I had Hallgirl1.
Dropped out of school? Check.
Shotgun wedding? check.
Miserable relationship? check.
Second kid 19 months later? check.
Divorce? check.
Dead end no where job because I didn’t have an education? check
Busted my ass through years of counseling and parenting classes and put myself through college as an adult while raising three kids as a single parent, struggling to make ends meet? Oh, yeah, a big time check.

She’s in North Dakota, and I’m in Pennsylvania, and with her marrying a military guy, I can’t see me taking the kid a couple of days per week, or even being there to step in when needed (and I KNOW it will be needed). My mother goes through this with my worthless piece of shit brother and his two kids. If I had to create a list of “Parents Most Likely to Eat Their Young” it would read:

[ul]
[li]My Brother[/li][li]His Evil Bitch of an Ex-Wife and Mother of his two Children[/li][li]Hallgirl2[/li][/ul]

The only thing good about this is that the guy she’s marrying (isn’t there a thread on “Baby Daddy” floating around here somewhere?) is a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders. What he sees in her, I have no idea.

I’m so livid that I can’t even talk to her. She sent me a text message earlier today–“Did you have strange dreams when you were pregnant?” and I wanted to text back, “That’s because you’ve created a fucking nightmare, you idiot”, but I didn’t. This is typical Hallgirl2–create chaos, then act like everything is fine. (Until she explodes again.)

The Baby Daddy is excited about this, apparently (according to Hallgirl2, but she could be in major denial, which wouldn’t be the first time), so I’m thinking there’s no way adoption would be discussed. Plus, he’s been pressuring her for years to get married and pop out a few kids. (It’s the Military Way, doncha know–this according to Hallgirl2, who has already figured out how much his housing allowance will increase once they marry and she gives birth.) According to her, she’s also 11 weeks along, but she’s “been on the pill all along and hasn’t missed any”, so there’s no telling. She doesn’t have insurance (!!!), so she hasn’t been to an OB yet, just at some place where she got her positive test. When she was here two months ago (when I had major surgery and she came to “help”, then acted like she was on vacation and got pissy because I wouldn’t cart her ass around town–after MAJOR SURGERY!!!), she had gained so much weight, I asked her if she was pregnant. She denied it, and according to what she’s saying now, she was probably about a week along then, but didn’t know it.

This whole thing is exhausting. I don’t see this ending well.

9

Thank you Anaamika! The most disturbing thing about this is that she’s dragging a child into her mess.

Hallgirl1 says at least she’s not on drugs, or prostituting (neither of which she ever has done), and at least she’s marrying a decent guy. (But how long can you be a decent guy if you’re married to the Bitch from Hell?)

10

I’ve got no help, just lots and lots of sympathy. :frowning:

11

Not to make it worse than it is, but did you say she was on the pill when she became pregnant and is still on it?

12

Well, you can always hope that when the relationship ends, Dad will get the kid.

I too was a complete fuckup in my earlier life:

Daughter #1–the flaky child–born two months before I turned 17
Married to idiot that I barely liked one month after I turned 17
Daughter # 2–the crazy child–born two months before I turned 18
Divorced at 19
Raised 2 kids mostly on my own until I found mr.stretch

My life was unnecessarily difficult due to my poor choices. I never lied to my kids about how hard it was to do things the way I did.

I just don’t understand my daughter at all.

13

You can be supportive in doing what is necessary to help your grandchild. You can calmly tell your daughter that you do not approve of what she is doing, but that you are there to help assure her child has as normal a life as possible.

You can give her your opinion one time so that she knows where you stand, then back off and let her make her own decisions (because she’s going to anyway). And I say one time because nagging doesn’t work.

Dropping out of college may not be the worst thing to happen. If she’s having that much trouble with her classes, maybe it’s time for her to stop throwing her money at the school and get a regular job. Regular jobs have a marvelous way of illuminating the value of higher education, and decent ones at least allow a person to support themself. There is no shame in honest work.

The most frustrating thing in the world is watching a loved one make mistakes knowing you are powerless to stop them. Do what you can to help the baby, the rest is (unfortunately) out of your hands.

14

She says she was, but you know that niggling feeling that you get as a mother when you know your kid is lying, but not sure about what? The niggling feeling is now jumping throughout my body. She’s lying about something, but I’m not sure what. I don’t think she deliberately got pregnant…but I just don’t know.

15

Thank you, Solfy.

16

I made some of the same mistakes.

[ul]
[li]pregnant at 19[/li][li]married several weeks after we found out[/li][li]pregnant again at 21[/li][li]seperated at 22[/li][li]divorced at 23[/li][/ul]

My mother never voiced her opinion on any of it. She never told me I was making a mistake, if anything she appeared happy for me. Even when I left him and moved back home with my two children she never batted an eye. The only thing I even remember her doing was asking me the question “do you not miss your husband?”. I did not and was not upset about leaving him at all and I still have no regrets.

I worked at crappy jobs but I got lucky by landing an office job that paid more money. $5.00 an hour, wow. Fifteen years later I am still working at that company though I have changed positions several times and of course got large bumps in my salary along the way.

I had other relationships and was even married and divorced again and she still never expressed any negative comments to me. She let me talk and cry on her about all my problems and tried to give me advice but never gave me a “I told you so” when I did not follow it.

If she thought I was a loser or I was acting like a child or a selfish bitch she never expressed it to me in any way. I guess you could call that being supportive. She knew me well enough to know that showing negative emotions or making negative comments woud have drove me away.

Solfy posted what my advice would be but put it in better words than I could of.

17

I think the main thing that has to be done right away, and that is also “supportive,” is to get her to see a doctor. Since she has no insurance, call Planned Parenthood or the state human services agency and find out where she should go. Whether or not she eventually has the baby, she needs to see a doctor, especially if she is still on birth control meds.

18

Here is the address and phone of the social services department where you daughter lives. They should be able to tell her where to find free prenatal care.

19

I’ve passed along the site, ratatoskK, so now it’s up to her. She is now claiming that she NEVER talked about leaving him, and when she did leave him last year, it was because HE didn’t want to get married. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. If she hadn’t told other people the same thing she told me (and they could verify it), then I’d think I was loosing my mind.

As it is, I’m ready to wash my hands of it. If they do get married, then she’ll be with him wherever he is stationed, so I’ll rarely (if ever) get to see the baby. If they don’t get married, she still lives halfway across the country, so I’ll rarely (if ever) get to see the baby. SInce I’m still raising Hallboy, and money isn’t growing on ANY of the trees in my yard, then me traveling to them is about as likely as me winning the lottery.

I can’t win with her. Whatever I say, is wrong. Not saying anything is wrong. There is absolutely no way I can pretend that everything is wonderful and that I’m overjoyed that she’s pregnant, 21, uneducated and nearly unemployed (she’s about ready to loose her job as it is–this won’t help, I’m sure).

There’s a part of me that wants to say to hell with it, she’s an adult, let her deal with it on her own because I don’t want any part of it. I’m tired of all of her constant drama with EVERYTHING. This is just the icing on the cake, and it’s not going to get better. Having a baby (even if her life is as perfect as she’s now claiming) will only add more drama.

There’s a piece of me that was so happy that she moved half way across the country and I didn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis. It takes so much…too much… That probably makes me sound like a complete cold bitch, but I’m tired of all the drama she creates.

20

That’s where I’m at.

I did my best to raise my daughter. Now she’s an adult and she needs to step up to the plate and act like one. If it were her alone, she could do basically whatever stupid shit she wants and I would not say a word–just like I do with the flaky girl and my stepson The Boy. But she has brought an innocent child into this mess, and I’m simply not going to stand by and not tell her that she needs to either get an education or a job. She needs to raise that boy or give him up. She needs to make an effort for his sake. IMO, once she had and kept the kid, her opportunities to play “I’m a big fuckup” went out the window.

If she wants to continue to act like a person with no kids, she needs to get rid of the kid. My husband and I are seriously considering offering to raise him. There is no way we want him raised by the baby-daddy or his family, and one day soon my daughter may be homeless again, or in jail due to her stupidity. I don’t want Michael in the foster care system.