Be Thankful The Laws You So Glibly Break Exist...

The BBQ Pit
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… and the Boys In Blue are there to enforce them. Because if one of those didn’t exist, there would be nothing to stop me from enjoying the beautiful sound of ripping out your larnyx by way of your rectum.

This is about the part where i should call you scum for breaking my car window and stealing my stereo and cds, but I won’t, for fear of even the lowliest pond dwelling single celled organism sueing me for slander for being compared to something as vile as you :mad:

[rant mode on]

You ass sucking monkey fellating piece of fucking gutter slime. May you be cursed to spend an eternity fellating syphalitic elephants whilest being anally violated by more of said syphalitic elephants. To call you the lowest form of life in the universe would vastly inflate your value.

Oh thou art a crusty botch of nature indeed. You have not so much brains as earwax1

What possible benefit can you gain from stealing all my cds? You ransacked the rest of my car. you couldn’t take the few seconds to look through my cd wallet to determine that 3/4 of the cds are worthless to anybody but me? Newsflash thief: those burned cds aren’t worth the plastic they are made of to anybody other than me. And the rest? Video Game soundtracks? LOTR soundtrack? who else will want those? the only thing of value was my Big Shiny Tunes cd. Scarcely 2 weeks old as a Christmas Gift! Not to mention none have cases so nobody will buy them. Why did you steal my music? I had to work 9 godamn hours listening to the same cd several times! You deserve life in prison just for inflicting that on me!

And my stereo? Ha! The jokes on you! That thing was the cheapest POS cd player I could find. It may have looked spiffy. The little MP3 symbol may have caught your eye. You likely took it thinking it was worth half a grand or something, but that thing isn’t worth its weight in moldy cheese. I hope the single hit of crack that that will buy contains rat poison. It would save me the trouble of having to hunt you down and extract retribution from your hide. Not that I would get more than a pittance even if i bound it as a lampshade and sold it on E-bay. Still even paying to get rid of it would be of greater value than your entire fucking sad pitiful life would ever contribute to society.

Still I am comforted by 3 things

  1. I was not the only one. Big fucking mistake pal. I was one of four. You just increased your chances of getting caught by 4x.

  2. You will be caught. How do i know this? Because you are a criminal, and the combined total IQ of criminals in this city is rivaled only by Absolute Zero.

and 3. The one thing that is keeping you breathing and me not on your ass like stink on shit: You didn’t take my Skittles. I can live with broken glass. I can live without my car stereo. I can almost live without my music. But had you taken my sweet, sweet Sout Skittles, I would personally have to introduce your ass to my foot and your head to the curb.
So, as i sit here munching on my Skittles and reviewing my post, I see that while there is much hate and invective, there is not nearly enough fucks… so fuck you you fucking fucked up fuckwit of a fucktard.
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– Taken and butchered mercilessly from a very funny comic on Just For Laughs. I have no idea who said it. Maybe some worldly Doper can illuminate me.

…

So… How’d I do for my first pit rant? I know that it shouldn’t have been my first post, but it took something this assholeish to get me up off my lazy ass and stop lurking.

I also note that RexDart had the same thing happen to him/her as well recently, so I commiserate heartily with him/her.

Teegus

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I feel your pain, with regard to the burned CDs. Someone broke into my car and took my whole CD case, and it, too, had nothing that would really interest anyone but me. Utterly worthless on the market.

They didn’t bother to take my CD player, though. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or insulted.

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Wow. For a first post? I’m impressed. A few too many elephants, but otherwise, excellently done.

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A few too many elephants? That’s what the thieves are saying, matt.

:eek:

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My coworker had her window broken and the thief took $4.00 in change. That was it. It cost her something like $100 or more to get that window fixed. For $4.00.

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This is why everyone should buy one of those South African anti-carjacking alarm systems. And wire it to your car alarm.

Thief breaks the window, 4 undercarrage mounted flamethrowers kick in.

Thief learns his lesson.

And everyone has BBQ!

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I always liked the idea from Car Wars of flechette grenades mounted on the outside of the car linked to the alarm system. Which is great until some little kid bumps your car in a grocery store parking lot…

CRACK!!!
SPLAT!

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Fantastic first post. Welcome to the SDMB!

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During my hospital orientation here in Charlotte, NC the police officer that spoke to us said “Keep your car looking like you just drove it off the lot- no audiobooks, CDs, pocket change- nothing sitting out. Ever. It’s only a matter of time before it WILL be broken into and you WILL pay for the glass to be replaced and whatever else got stolen. There are pawn shops in town that will give them cash for CDs and any other items they see in your car- remove them. Period.”

He wasn’t kidding around, either. This is my first time living in/near a large city and I took his advice. If I carry anything in my car (audiobooks, my back massager, whatever for my commute) I put it in the trunk before I go into work. Ditto for my pocket change. There are people that desparate out there. What a shame.

To the OP, I’m sorry you got your stuff stolen- that really does suck the big one. Fucking theives. If there is a Lake of Fire, I hope they’re all tossed right the fuck into it.

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So the OP starts like this:

and only then does the OPer state

So, the first part is how you speak when you’re not ranting? Remind me not to meet you in a dark alley. :stuck_out_tongue:

Sua

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You know what I like about this rant? Footnotes. This rant actually contains footnotes.

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Bravo…

I always wondered what happened to the CDs stolen from my car. Camina Burina, Scott Joplin, Pachabel’s Greatest Hit, and a completely unknown local Irish folk band called Gallowglass. Can’t imagine they’d even sell at a pawn shop.

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Want an interesting take on theft? Read what “John” has to say about his little hobby in The California Aggie {that’s the campus newspaper here}. This is yesterday’s article. Today’s edition has a continuation of it.

I, for one, hope that this fool finally gets caught by the campus police and is expelled in addition to getting a night in jail.

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That’s a good idea for keeping thieves out, but I still like the one from Robocop. A thief sits in your seat and ZAP! several thousand volts through their body. I think it was called Magnavolt or somesuch.

jarbabyj, matt_mcl, etc Thanks for the encouragement. I hope the rest of my posts live up to this one.

and SuaSponte I think I put the Rant Mode tag in the wrong spot. There’s no need to be afraid of me… wait… where are you going… I’m not dange… awwwww :smiley:

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It’s Shakespeare, as a matter of fact. Troilus and Cressida, Act V, Scene I. (The two sentences however are spoken by different characters):

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Matt it sounds like you’re judging his post on the quantity of his elephants. If our elephants are limited, the terrorists have already won!

Fenris, who’s also impressed at the OP’s rant!

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One smiley. Proper link coding. Footnotes. I give it a 9.9. It would’ve been a 10.0 if you could’ve fit “assplosion” in there somewhere.

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:smack: Assplosions! Of course! How could i forget? I got distracted by the comings and goings of elephants. I feel like a proper meatpickle now :slight_smile:

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I have absolutely nothing of value in my car, so I always leave it unlocked. Many times I have come back to it to find that someone’s searched through it–fruitlessly–but I’ve never once had to replace the windows. :smiley:

Was that smug? I am so sorry, ** Teegus.** What I really meant to say was, “FUCK THOSE MOTHERFUCKING ASSCLOWNS!”

Carry on.

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