Hahaha! I get it! That's funny!

The BBQ Pit
1

…yeah it’s really fucking funny, asshole. I’m just laughing hysterically. I’ll bet you are, too… you ARE, aren’t you? Fuck!

Yeah, alright, I forgot just ONCE that the passenger door on my fucking piece doesn’t lock when I hit the power lock button. Alright, gotcha. So… your little rug-humping twisted self decides to randomly try car doors out in the Mexican restaraunt parking lot! Oooh, ho! It seems that good Mr. Alex’s door is unlocked. Yeah… so then you yank my CDs. My CDS!! You stole my CDs and left my cell phone… my CD player… et cetera! You even left me the CDs in my over-head visor. Thanks! You’re so cool! You just strolled out of there with $900 dollars in compact discs you cancerous blob of fuck.

This is where I start breaking it down for you- you, the filthy monkey-slamming cockwad from the bottom of my tall black boot. Here it goes fucknut, I’ll use small words. When I catch you, you goat-felching donkey scrotum, I’m going to beat the unholy shit out of you. Oh, no, don’t be surprised… shush, shush child. I WILL find you. I swear by God’s Grace or by the Devil’s Will that I will find you and I-will-fucking-kill-you. Am I big? Nope. Am I cut like a body builder? Nope. Am I super-intimidating? No. Will I be your worst nightmare when I smear your ugly fucking face on concrete and then curb your ass? Yes. Jesus, YES. I swear to whatever powers-that-be that your whore of a mother and bastard son-of-a-bitch father will roll in their exhumed and defiled graves when they see what I have done to you! Die, FUCKER, die!

Then… when I thought my anger had subsided to a smoldering hatred… I realized that you took my Techno! Oooh, FUCK NO, bitch! You took approximately 60 of my CDs… and you took my Techno. What kind of semen-soaked little fuckmuffin takes something that I love so much? Music. Take the fucking cell phone, but don’t take CDs that I’ve been collecting for the past several years! Some of those CDs held alot of meaning for me. Some of those songs had become a theme for me. They brought me up when I was down. Now I need something to bring me down 'cause “Bless me father, for I’mm’a gonna sin. I’m going to kill a piece of sewer filth.” Haha! I hope you enjoy my music cock-boy! Your days are numbered. Hell, I can smell you pissing your pants now. I can smell the reek of fear on your disgustingly filthy breath. You know that I’m looking for you… you know that when I find you, your ass is going to be pulverized. I mean that all literally… I think I might run you over several times or maybe just mutilate you with a broken compact disc. You like CDs, huh bitch? Ooohh… bastard, you stole the wrong man’s CDs.

Sleep well you oral foaming, anally stretched, buffalo bummin, balogna pony ridin, piece of vomitous, malodorous, horse smegma!

~ARose

2

A superb piece of vindictiveness, excellent use of adjectives. This–“balogna pony ridin”–earned an extra .1 from the International Judge. 8.8.
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[sub]what’s a techno?[/sub]

3

Techno would be a style of music involving alot of silly noises and bass beats. Fun music that alot of people seem to hate. shrug

~ARose

4

Um… If the thief got $900 worth of CDs, but missed a bunch more, I gotta ask what the hell were you thinking leaving your door unlocked with well over a thousand bucks of easily removable stuff in your car?!? If “cock-boy” had had to smash a window I might feel a little sympathetic, but in the late 1980’s, I used to lock the doors on my $300 1974 Celica religiously so the punks would have a tougher time stealing an entire fucking car nobody would want to steal, anyway.

I’ll give you 9 points on the majority of the rant itself, but minus 1,000 for pointing out your own stupidity (oh, sorry, you “forgot”) in the first sentence of your second paragraph.

5

I gotta go with Dave here, I feel your pain having been a victim of theft more than once in my life.

BUT… what were you thinking? Lock your stuff in the trunk. Actually, I bet you will be doing that from this point onwards, WON’T YOU?

Great rant by the way, with a little more self derision it could have earned at least a 9.2 from the international judge.

6

Not to interrupt a perfectly good rant here or anything, but it occurs to me that it’s highly unlikely that someone stole $900 worth of CD’s for their own personal listening pleasure. If I were you, I’d hie to the nearest used CD shop (you know, the kind that buy/sell/trade used CD’s) and let them know that you’ve had a large number of CD’s stolen, and if someone comes in trying to sell them, to let you and/or the police know.

Just a thought. :slight_smile:

7

Oh, I’ll freely admit that it was stupid. A casual slip of the mind cost me big time. Still… I guess I just never considered how much four cases of CDs are worth until I added up the costs. Obviously I won’t be locking stuff in my trunk now, because theres nothing to lock, but yes, I’m sure I’ll become a religious door-locker. The thing about the locks is that about a week ago I took apart my car doors to install new speakers into my piece. For some reason when I did this the power lock stopped tripping the passenger side door lock. So I was in a habit of just hitting the “lock” button as I stepped outta the car and this time that didn’t cut it. Also… I just had a couple cases of CDs in the floor of the passenger side seat. They left all of 7 in a visor over the driver’s seat. I wasn’t exactly looking for sympathy, just to blow some steam off. Thanks for the suggestion Jadis, I think I may do that.

~ARose

8

CDs: $900.00
CD thief’s daily crack habit: $200.00
CD thief’s dental bill when ARose finds him: $1000.00

Cancerous blob of fuck: priceless.
Most people will leave your shit alone. For everone else, there’s Smith & Wesson.
I feel your pain, ARose…I had the same thing happen, though it was nowhere near $900 worth of CDs. It was in a lit, guarded (:rolleyes:) parking garage, and I was gone for about 20 minutes.

Of course, none of the “guards” saw a damned thing.

The worst part of it wasn’t having lost the CDs…thanks to the miracle of Usenet, I can replace those in a week. What pissed me off so much is knowing that my discs now belonged to a degenerate who couldn’t give a fuck less about Ray Lynch, and wouldn’t hesitate to pawn off or throw out my Bill Hicks collection. And the latter is just short o’ defiling the grave of a saint, IMHO.

9

now, that’s just a work of art right there, apotheosis. magnifique!

10

So ARose slipped up and left a door unlocked. That doesn’t give title to his CDs to any old stench that wafts by. Cock-boy would still rank as a “filthy monkey-slamming cockwad” for having taken them even if the windows were left down.

I’ve “donated” quite a bit to the street economy over the years.

11

Haha, I have to second saepiroth on that one. That was grand, apotheosis. I agree on the thing about knowing that some piece of trash has your CDs. I was so surprised… I listen to stuff that most people don’t like. Still… like Jadis pointed out, he’s likely just off to sell some round plastic. Ass. Thanks for the support beatle.

~ARose

12

fair enough, but that doesn’t remove the title of dumbass.

13

beatle wrote:

Absolutely. I don’t think anyone here is disagreeing with that. Obviously, if there were no filthy monky-slamming cockwads, we wouldn’t have locks on our homes, much less our automobiles.

To break down my own problems with ARose’s OP, I would have given it a much higher score than -991 had he either: (a) left out his own stupidity altogether (how could we have otherwise known he’s got a lock problem?) or (b) ranted about his own stupidity more, along the lines of “I’m a complete and utter wanker for having left my car unlocked [and so on for about a paragraph], and I’ll be sure to rectify that in the future. However, what fucking right do you have, you blah-blah-blah…”

But now, because he’s since admitted (again, but more specifically) his own part in this horror, I’m willing to give him his points back.

Unfortunately, in preparing this particular post, I re-read the OP, and must deduct, oh, four points for his use of the very tired “goat-felching.” :rolleyes: On the other hand, as pointed out by apotheosis, “cancerous blob of fuck” is quite original, at least to me, and I missed it the first time through, also. Two bonus points.

So, that’d be an overall 7 out of 10, to date.

14

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Ok. So we all know about stolen possessions. It’s a fucking pain when something that you’ve been building up for a long time (in your case, c.d.'s) gets stolen. I know this. And why THE FUCK do people steal things? Why? It’s so hard to trust people, these days. And do you know what’s even worse? According to Newsweek, around 88.3% of all theft occurs when somebody trusts the wrong person. In my case, I trusted the wrong person with my raw, tender, sensitive heart. WHat do I get? It’s currently being ground up into little chunks of bleeding flesh, marinated with salt and lemon juice. FUCK THAT- I tried to be wise, but no, of course, as usual, I fall in love with someone who does this to me…
Then, as if it’s not enough to have your heart stolen and manipulated into a worthless pulp, those other people that I trusted to love me unconditionally- those people called my parents, they first tell me that I’m not a worthy child, that all I do is make the family look bad, those stuck up, superficial, suburban snobs. And then, after taking $500 a month from me for four months, they decide that they don’t want me anymore, kick me out, and leave me with no money, shelter, food, or even transportation. Wow, it’ll be great, won’t it, my life, in the next few weeks? Everything has been stolen from me. Consider yourself lucky.

15

It may not be today.
It may not be tomorrow.
But you’ll have your chance at revenge when said blob of fuck hears that techno and tries to break back in to your car to return it. :slight_smile:

Sorry about your loss, that really bites.

16

Not to attempt to diminish your upset any, ARose, but your homeowner’s or renter’s insurance may very well pay to replace at least some of your CDs, depending on your deductible.

17

ummmmmmm . . . sorry Eva, sounds like you are having a rough time. Ride it out girl, good times do come back around if you just hold on. I may be backing a bad sounding sterotype, but in my experience it is true. Be strong.

18

Band name and first album!

19

lieu: Hehe… are you laughing at my techno?! Thou art a villain for uh, mocking my techno. Hmph.

Eva: That’s awful. I really hope things start going better for you… I believe you deserve your own rant thread for that. My problems and whines are rather petty next to matters of the heart.

Necros: Already tried… not covered. I had a $500 deductible but my State Farm Agent (they’re on YOUR side) said that it simply would not do. Bl-AH.

~ARose

20

Shit, man. People suck. That’s all I can say.

I drive a 1989 '88 Grande Royale Oldsmobile. It ranks right up there in style next to a '77 Ford Station Wagon - the kind with the paneled wood sides. I love it to death, but it’s ugly. It’s huge. It’s a huge, ugly car. And it’s worth about $800.

So what happens over the summer? I get hit twice while I’m the car. There are butt prints in my hood - have people been sitting on my car for fun?? It looks like someone punched in the back driver’s side, and they smeared my white detailing, which makes it look even worse.

To top it off, someone shot up my ride FOR THE SECOND TIME! Two times now, I have returned to my car on well-lit, urban streets to find my back windows shot out!

I have fucking paid more for the deductibles than for the car itself!

Who shoots an old lady’s car? Who bounces on the hood of a goddamn '88 Oldsmobile?

I feel like the punchline to a bad joke.

I could leave it running on Greenmount Avenue, with a full tank of gas and spare keys in the ignition, and someone would knife the tires, spread toothpaste on the windshield, and piss on the upholstry, but they wouldn’t steal it. No insurance pay-off for me - no, I’ll just keep paying the motherfucking deductible.

Bah!