What child wouldn’t want to see that?
I’ve used “I’ll explain it later”, and then explained it later. I’ve also used “because it’s my turn” or “because it’s your turn”, which has always been fine. In emergencies, I’ve used my emergency voice and never had to say “because I say so”.
I can’t really think what it would be for. There’s always been an age appropriate explanation, as far as I can remember. Even for “why are you sad” and “why can’t I wear that”. I don’t even find it particularly difficult, at least a conversation is easier than a tantrum because you said something unfair. Even if they don’t like the explanation. Fair enough, you don’t have to like it. I don’t always like the law, or like stuff I have to do. We can talk about that too.
I’ve definitely used it jokingly, or teasingly, whining back at children. Or after I’ve already given an explanation. But other than that… I don’t think it’s necessary or particularly useful.
And now, just for cutes: my baby sis, when she was about 4 demanded of my mum: “Mummy, WHY do all your sentences start with BECAUSE?” - Two more months and she will be 18 years of awesome. 
That is the logic of a child. They do not yet understand that there is a spectrum of possibilities. There are times where a detailed expanation is appropriate and there is a time for “just because”. Most of the time the situation falls somewhere in the middle. Adults deal with that spectrum every day. Can you imagine life if we didn’t grow out of the child’s thought pattern? Yes, officer, the sign says “Speed Limit 45” but doesn’t say why, therefore there can be no good reason to limit my speed ergo no need to obey.
One problem with reasoning with kids all the time is that they have no skin in the game. Why not just keep negotiating to see if you can get what you want - the worst that happens is that they don’t get it, which is where they started at the first “No, you and your sister may not take the ladder and the nailgun outside.” But give them something to lose, and watch how quickly they decide they can live with a “No.” I’ve occasionally made an offer to my kids, when they’ve been inclined to argue on an out-of-the-question request - you can try to change my mind with logic, but if you fail, you have to do your sister’s chores for a week. They’ve never taken me up on that challenge.
It’s nice in theory. Before I had kids of my own, I felt the same way.
I came up with what seems to be an excellent work-around.
If one was talking to an adult, the rewards for revealing your reasons would be much more likely to be forthcoming. But when talking to one’s own children the intent of the question is not always to receive the reasons why.
The question about reasons can come about for a variety of reasons which are something other than wanting to know the reason.
; )
My work around is to ask a question in reply:
“Is there an answer which would satisfy you?”
Often, the answer is, “No.”
This establishes that there’s no point in trying to explain again about why it’s time to get in the bathtub, time to go to bed, time to get up, etc.
We are having issues with my son.
Turns out, an explanation I don’t agree with is the same thing as “that rule has no good reason at all and I get to break it.”
He is better at following “that is against the rules, end of discussion” than “don’t have friends over when we are not home because when that happens everyone leaves pop cans all over the basement and all the pop gets drunk.”
And he is a clever kid. He’ll take the explanation given, look like he’s agreeing with it, and then say, when the rule gets broke “we threw away our pop cans.”
Now, there are a lot of reasons I don’t want fourteen year old boys hanging in my basement when no one is home. But I don’t want to say things like “you might get into the liquor cabinet” or “I don’t want my house to become the Love Shack in a year or two.” And I really don’t need to itemize out every reason that fourteen year olds should not be hanging in my basement when no adults are around.
In my experience, fourteen year old boys have lousy critical thinking and reasoning skills - and from all of the work we’ve been doing with Mr. I Don’t Get Consequences - that is a “feature” of brain development at that age. We are being told to explain LESS.
And how often did they give you a reason that they believed was a good and valid reason, but you did not? And when that occurred, did you then accept their reason and decide they did know what they were talking about and weren’t a bully, even though you didn’t agree it was a good and valid reason?
Here’s the thing -all kids are idiots. Yes, even you (general you, not you specifically) were an idiot when you were a kid. When you start parenting, and have these discussions with your own idiot children, you suddenly realize that you were just as much an idiot when you were a kid as your own kids are now. Which is why you resort to stuff like “Because I said so” - what’s the point in continuing an argument with an idiot?
Exactly. After a day of shooting down countless loopholes that seemed very clever to a 5 year old, you get a bit tired, and just want the little bugger to do what you say.
Occasionally he’ll come up with a response that is genuinely clever, and actually solves the problem in a way that lets him get what he wants. So, you have to be willing to avoid the “because I said so” response, and teach the kid how to make smart choices instead of just putting his arguments down every time.
Damn. I came in to say pretty much the same thing:
- All kids are different and the parents know when their (the parents’) limits are being reached.
- Parents also know their kids better than anybody else (or at least, they should.) Some kids are fine with reasons, some kids are fine being told “Because I said so.” You’ll learn as time goes by what your limits are and what your kids limits are.
- “Critical thinking and reasoning skills” are not traits common to kids. They really aren’t all that common in adults, either.
- Some of us have Little Lawyers who do look for every loophole. “You didn’t say ‘now’.” “You said ‘No TV’ - this is the little DVD player”, “You said I couldn’t eat cake. This is candy.” and so on, and so on, and so on.
As a general note, many people tend to overestimate how “understanding” they were as children and many habits that they learned during and past the ages of 10-12 will be attributed to their 5yo selves - “I never accepted X when I was a child”, when in fact, you did - you just stopped accepting it at the age of 13 and now you’re projecting this attitude towards your younger self.
I’ve always thought that “because I said so” is a bad end to an argument. Most, if not all arguments with kids, should be given some credence and an explanation provided. If they won’t accept it or try to loophole their way out of it, you can point that out, and THEN use “because I said so”. In arguments with younger relatives, or the occasional neighbor kid, I would always give a reason
Just demand early on in your child’s life that all requests be filled out in triplicate and submitted no later than 2pm, and that they will receive a response by post in 2-3 business days.
Exactly what nearly everyone else in the thread has said. Kids see almost any explanation as an invitation for endless “but why”?
At some point the parent is going to break out with some version of “because I said so” whether it’s “I have valid reasons we’re not going to go into right now” or even trying to lead them down the primrose Socratic path posted further upthread.
I can imagine my granddaughter’s response at the very first “are you allowed to go to the park alone”? The child is absolutely bullheaded about what she wants to do. She almost never takes “no” as an answer. Here’s an example of what happens.
Me: “No, we can’t go to the park, because I need to get dinner ready and I can’t go with you. Are you allowed to go to the park alone?”
GD:YES!
Me: No, no you’re not. Why is that?
GD: I don’t know?
Me: Why did I say we can’t?
GD: I don’t know…(thinks). If I ride my bike can I go?
Me: No, you can’t go to the park period. I just explained why. (dinner, etc).
GD: I don’t want dinner, if you stop making dinner we can go.
Me: There are more people in this house than just you, we’re making dinner for everyone.
GD: There is popcorn left. They can eat popcorn and we can go to the park.
Me: No, people don’t want popcorn for dinner.
GD: I eat popcorn for dinner.
And so on…
It’s a miracle the child has made it to 6 years old.
I am not a parent, so my perspective may be off, but this is one of those things that’s always bothered me when parents do it. I completely understand why they do it, because their patience is probably running thin and it’s a long explanation and all of that, but as the OP says, I think it potentially robs the child of an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. That’s not to say that a child should always get a long explanation of why, particularly because sometimes they know why and just don’t like the answer they got.
To that end, I think what parents should do is try to understand why they’re seeking that answer and try to give them an answer they’ll understand. Plenty of times it’s not much more difficult than just saying “because I said so” and then it takes a deliberate act on the part of the child, once understanding why, to continue to beg, at which point it should be put to an end. Other times, the reason isn’t something a child will necessarily understand, and that’s a point where that sort of answer might make sense, but even then, it should probably be something more along the lines of “I’ll explain when you’re older”.
No matter how you answer it, it affects your credibility. If you give a good answer they understand and appreciate, I think their trust in you will go up. If you pull “because I said so” or “I’ll explain when you’re older” you’re spending some of that credibility. If they have a lot of trust in you and you only do that ocassionally, they’ll likely be okay with it, but if you do it all the time, it’s worthless. I think that’ll go a long way when you get to harder questions when they’re older related to sex and dating, drugs, their friends, and all of that.
I like the idea of engaging the child to think critically about why. If they’re asking for a cookie before dinner and you’ve told them before, or they want to go outside and play but it’s dark or they have school work or it’s near bed time, it’s a good time to engage them and get them to recall the lessons they should have already learned. Maybe a little bit of reinforcement will actually help them recall that and not ask so much again in the future. And if it is something new, it’s an opportunity to start that lesson, take a few seconds to explain it, and then next time it’s on them to recall it.
I try not to use ‘because I said so’ with my kids. I used to try to explain and give them reasons.
Now they are older and the one-word question ‘why?’ has been banned in our house. What I try to do when I say no and they ask ‘why?’ (in the form of a proper question with a subject and object), I turn the question back on them to think about the reasons they might not be allowed to do it.
Critical thinking is slowly coming along.
How the heck are you supposed to “reason” with a three-year-old?
(Spoken by someone who actually had an “argument” with his three-year-old son this morning on whether he needed to put on a jacket before he went outside.)
Well, all the non-parents think it’s possible, so it must be so! 
Heh. This very morning:
It’s very cold out, you should wear gloves
Why?
So your hands don’t get cold
Why?
You don’t want your hands to be cold
Why?
Whatever, let your hands be cold, let’s go.
I leave it to the reader to figure out which person was 4 years old.
Every parent does not want to do this. They want to have the time and energy to explain everything in great detail to their child whenever possible. The reality is that that is not what your kid is looking for. They are looking for either a way to get their way (a loophole) or to get attention.
I do not lie to my kids (except about Santa which I hate but my husband makes me go along with). They know every answer to every question they have ever asked. But sometimes they really are trying to drive you insane.
Convo from this weekend (while I am cleaning the main floor of the house note that my son is five feet away colouring):
DD: Can I watch TV?
Me: No, you have watched too much already today, it’s not good for you.
DD: Can I play Wii?
Me: No, falls under the TV category.
DD: Can I watch Netflix on my iPod?
Me: No. You don’t have Netflix on your iPod because I need to be able to see what you are seeing.
DD: You could put Netflix on my iPod.
Me: No. I just took it off. You are only allowed to watch Netflix on the TV.
DD: Good. I can watch TV.
Me (pulls out the Mom Voice): You are not allowed to do anything with screens period.
DD: So, no DS either?
Me: Correct.
DD: But what I can I do? There’s nothing to do.
Me: you could play with your Lego or dollhouse. You could read. You could colour or do one of your art projects. You could go outside and play or you could call on one of your friends.
DD: Fine. <stomps off>
DS: Mom, can I watch TV?
Me: Didn’t I just tell your sister no?
DS: Yes.
Me: The answer is the same for you. You may not watch TV.
DS: Why not?
Me: Really? Please go play.*
So, in our house, the second child always asks the same thing the first did and gets the same response and I am not explaining the reasoning again. They want to see if they can lord something over on the other and I am so not playing that game so they get the ‘because I said so,’ answer.
Also, at the end of this exchange, I had to take a minibreak just so I had enough mental energy to start cleaning again. Just because I am a mom, doesn’t mean I have infinite energy or patience. Every once in a while you have to let the smaller things go and focus on the bigger things. (Like sliding in the sex talk an age-appropriate piece at a time or quizzing them on their timestables.)
*I always say please and thank you to my children. Guess what? They do the same back. Manners beget manners.
With my three (now four) year old, it went like this:
<discussion on why he can’t go to the park alone>
He: “But I WANT to go to the park alone!” .
Me: “No hon. Now, do you want to watch TV or play with your trains?”
He: “But I REALLY WANT to go to the park alone!” .
Me: "Now you are nagging. If I said you can’t go, and you keep asking, you are nagging. We don’t nag. Your choice: Daddy brings you to bed, or you can watch TV or play with your trains. "
Nine out of ten times, he chose the non-bed option. Usually if he was nicely playing, I’d join him later and we’d work out something so he could go to the park tomorrow. But not during the argument.
We have the two kids answer shopping. So each one will ask me. And each one will ask Dad. And by the time you employ the Socratic method four times, you have used up an hour of your day, and really not gotten anything into their brains.
Also, using rational discussion on a kid doesn’t follow a straight path.
Mom, can I go to the park?
No, we are going to Grandmas and leaving in twenty minutes, you have to stay here.
How about just for 20 minutes?
No, last time you did that, you went off into the woods and it took me twenty minutes to find you.
Well, I won’t
That’s what you said last time.
Well, I don’t want to go to Grandma’s anyway. Do we have to go to Grandma’s?
Yes, we told Grandma we’d go over for dinner, we haven’t seen her in two weeks.
You guys could go without me.
Grandma wants to see you.
But I’d rather go to the park. Can I go to the park instead of Grandma’s?
No.
Why not?
Because the whole family is going to Grandmas for dinner because we said we would and because she wants to see us.
But why do we have to go to Grandma’s, how about if she comes here.
She is already making dinner.
She could bring it down.
No, she’s invited us for dinner.
What are we having?
Chicken
I don’t like that. I’ll stay here.
After about twenty minutes of this - when you are saying “please put on your coat, we need to go to Grandma’s now” and you get “but I thought I was going to go to the park” as a response, you realize that “because I said so” is a survival technique to keep you from killing your own children.
ARRRGHH.