Yes I’m aware of those studies. In many studies they say that married people tend to be happier (and healthier and live longer or something) but it is different as far as kids go.
Well there could be that option if I am the distaster as a father as some here seem to think.
Well my wife said she’s prepared to look after the kid for 14 hours a day (then I reminded her about waking up during the night too). Anyway, the thing about her not being high maintenance means that I don’t have to put in much work to keep her being affectionate. As far as kids go it can be rewarding to put in a lot of work. I like watching Supernanny (I have some episodes on DVD as well) and her new show called something like Extreme Parental Guidance… to me it seems like a rich challenge that is very multi-layered. As far as my wife goes I’m a fan of John Gottman and he says there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. If my wife was in fact high maintenance I might be resentful and it would be harder to have positive interactions with her.
BTW I’m interested in developmental psychology like piaget’s stages of cognitive development and kohlberg’s stages of moral development. I think people are like machines and I think that true AI would involve the machine interacting with the environment and learning like a baby and toddler. This has become a popular idea in AI research in recent years.
You’ve mentioned you’re not on anti-depressants any more, but then mentioned being on an anti-psychotic. Sounds like there’s more going on with you than just mild depression. Add your wife’s mental issues to yours and you have some kind of stew brewing to bring a kid into.
I have cousins who grew up with an emotionally unstable and chemically imbalanced mother who was “off” whether she took her meds or not. Of course medications have come a long way since the late 70’s when my cousins were born, but honestly, and they will agree, all three of them would have been better off if she had jumped off a ledge when they were still little. The only reason they have done as well as they have is they have a good “normal” dad who kept things on as even a keel as possible and had legal guardianship over his wife and was therefore able to institutionalize her for short terms when needed.
If you want to raise a human who feels that way about his/her parents, then by all means go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when he/she leaves asap and you never hear from your kid again.
John Clay, after careful consideration, I’d say that you will be much happier without a kid.
As for your wife… many women get “baby lust”. It can be quite intense, but it passes, too.
The only people in which baby lust does not pass are the ones who wanted children since their early twenties. In those people, wanting to start and raise a family is part of their personality and if they don’t become parents, they will always feel something is missing. For everyone else, baby lust passes and leaves nothing but the occasional wistful feeling, and mostly a kind of relief parenthood didn’t happen. .
Remember what I said about people being able to adapt to any situation once it has become inevitable? That will happen to your wife once she has made a clear choice, to either leave you and try for a baby with someone else, or to stay with you and not have one. The best thing you can do for her is to offer her clarity on that point.
The second best thing you can do for her is to look into alternatives. Can she be an an aunt/babysitter to the kids in her and your family? Get a pet? Volunteer at a pet shelter?
“felt ANY respect for her”?
You continue to assert I have “absolutely no” respect for her…
BTW what do her feelings have anything to do with what I say privately where she’d never find out about it? BTW about 50% of married people have affairs… at least I’ll respect her enough not to do that. Also I went through an entire wedding and made a speech, etc, and everyone seemed to think we were a loving couple. I guess it is impossible to convince you that I have at least a bit of respect for her though…
You have a very literal mind and you like considering all things carefully, I understand from your other posts. From your posts here it becomes clear that your ideas of what having children is like, are not yet realistic. So let’s talk a little about what it is actually like, and why most posters feel that it would not be a good decision for you (these are people who do have a realistic idea of what it is like, while also knowing a little bit about you).
For example:
The attractiveness of your wife is important to your happiness. She says she doesn’t think having a baby will affect her belly. It will. She will be less attractive. If she claims otherwise she is not realistic about pregnancy.
She says she will look after the baby. Even if this were a puppy you know it would not be true. This is a baby. A baby needs care all the time. You were right that she will need to get up in the night, and so will you. She will be tired sometimes, or she will be away. You will spend huge amounts of time taking care of a baby. If she says otherwise it is because she is not realistic about having a baby. You need to be prepared to do 100% of the work, or you should not have a baby (though of course you should plan to do 50%, you should understand that you are taking on the burden to do 100% if necessary).
A baby is constant. All. The. Time. They cry a lot. They poop and you have to change the nappy. When things were difficult with your wife you left. With a baby you can’t do that.
Your interaction with children has been inappropriate and you have been having inappropriate thoughts about children. You may not be able to help that, but it does indicate that it is not a good idea to have children.
Your wife wants children and you think she will be happy if you have them. But there is too much you and she are not being realistic about, so that in the end she will likely not be happy. There are many people who think children will make them happy and then regret that decision. Then there is nothing you can do, you are stuck with nowhere to go. Maybe she should read some descriptions of people who are not happy with children, to understand what that is like.
Children need a stable, safe home with responsible parents. That is absolutely possible with parents who have certain mental problems, but in your current situation, from what you have told us, it does not sound like you can offer that.
Why don’t you tell us what you imagine it will be like, or other things your wife imagines, and then we can tell you if that is realistic?
If you aren’t 100% sure, you shouldn’t.
To be quite frank, as a couple, from what you have said, you don’t seem to be that stable.
However, if you want to be an absent father, paying maintenance the rest of your life and with none of the benefits of fatrherhood, just do it.
BTW, people usually become less tolerant and flexible as they age, and having a child demands both.
#1. Not necessarily so. I know a few mothers that have nice bellies and no stretch marks. However, don’t count on it.
I also know some that have unimaginably ugly stretch marks.
However, it is unlikely that her breasts will ever be the same again. Most likely they will sag, and almost certainly be less firm.
My wife complains that hers are smaller than before.
I sometimes think that I’d like to have had children. The feeling doesn’t last long, and is always replaced by relief.
I was once a “step parent”, and never felt anything but gratitude that she was unable to have any after we got together. I still shudder at the horror of our “family life”.
Yeah yeah yeah. We all know people who looked amazing after babies. But if looks are as important as they are to JohnClay then going with “I don’t think that will happen to my belly” is a not realistic and prudent line of reasoning. A woman’s body will change after a pregnancy, you don’t know how yet, but it will change. And then we get stuck with elaborate descriptions of how “disgusting” she is and how she is now a 3.
BTW I remembered about a woman I live with (the soon to be wife of my wife’s brother) and several months ago she privately said to me that I respect my wife. I have only ever told ONE person in real life that I think she’s a 5 (my long time friend - he said he thought his girlfriend was a 7.5). I haven’t said that to any of my psychiatrists/psychologists/case workers. I don’t consider this forum to be public - no-one has any idea who I am and can’t contact my wife. Even if my private thoughts about her being a 5 in the looks department is demeaning, it doesn’t eliminate all traces of respect I have for her. i.e. it isn’t a case of needing 100.0% respect or not having any at all… like Guinastasia seems to insist. He ignores all the other respectful things I mention. BTW I think that woman said that I respected my wife is because her relationship involves MUCH less respect - well on the brother’s side of it. I said to her that apparently girls get attracted to guys that remind them of their father - and she replied that her father is much worse…
BTW at the moment we’re on a three night get away and are catching up with my sisters and my friend, etc, and I don’t have as much time to post messages here.
Why did you quote the word “disgusting”? I don’t think I’ve called her belly that. Repulsive perhaps. But that is one aspect of her. Maybe some people think their partner is repulsive for not shaving their legs or because they pick their nose, etc. But anyway not much would change if she was a 3. Though she often talks about losing weight so that I’d find her sexier, etc.
Things have been going on in a stable way for a long time. A few years ago I broke up with her though and she took me back even though in a message I said I’d be selfish in the new relationship… since then there haven’t really been any dramas.
I want to be with my wife - and I don’t mind kids. I just want some time to myself every now and then to surf the Internet, etc.
Well we might as well do it while we’re relatively young I guess…
And come back soon!