One thing you have not considered is the change in perspective after a baby is born. I can tell you from experience that the stuff that I thought was important before my daughter was born has proven to be insignificant now and things that I thought were no big deal have become huge issues.
For example, I moved to NYC in 2007 and couldn’t ever have been happier about anything. I would have wrestled a bear if the city required it as a condition of residency. Since my daughter was born though we are noticing that though NYC is awesome for adults it is kind of a shitty place to raise a kid. Crazy homeless people, condoms and used syringes on the street, insane neighbors playing techno music until 4 am, shitty schools, and mediocre heating and air conditioning were things that I found odd or annoying before but considered a small price to pay to be so close to everything awesome in the city. Now as a parent those things hold a lot more weight in my decision making process and my husband and I have started preparing to move to a suburb in another state to provide a better life for our daughter.
This kind of thing impacts every facet of my life. If my husband hadn’t been a decent dad I would have told him how important it was that he step up and be a good parent and if he refused I would have left him. I love him with all my heart but I can promise you if he couldn’t change a diaper because he was playing world of warcraft or if he couldn’t wake up to take care of the baby during the night because it was “supposed to be my job” that love would have turned to anger and resentment pretty fast. Even really strong relationships hit rocky points once a baby arrives. How long do you think your wife would put up with you being a poor father before she decided it would be better for the baby if she left you?
Absolutely, being a Dad tests you in ways you can’t even anticipate: not just the big overarching responsibility of caring for a whole other human life, but the low-down, dirty exhausting, never-ending work that that entails. It’s 4am, your wife is whacked out exhausted from lack of sleep, the baby won’t stop crying and has just shat itself again, there are no more clean dry clothes for it because it’s been raining for a week, and you need to be up at 6am for work.
That’s when you need to man up and do what has to be done, the dirty tiring thankless stuff. You wipe the baby, you dry it some fresh clothes, you settle it back to sleep. And then the next night it’s something else, and you do it again, and again, and again, because that’s what being a father is, at least a huge important part of it.
As a man, a husband and a father you don’t get to abdicate and say “oh, she’ll take care of it”, because you are equally responsible for that little life. If you’re not ready for that level of commitment, if she’s not, then forget it; neither of you is ready to have a child.
A lot of women lose interest in sex once babies came along. If she is spending all her time taking care of a little person whose needs are never ending, it’s hard to get excited about a husband who wants his own share of attention.
Your “low maintenance sex machine” is going to turn into a “mommy machine”. Nookie acquisition will go down significantly, and you will have to work hard to get the little bit of lovin she has left for you after that baby takes up all of her time and energy.
BTW apparently when my wife told her mum she was trying for a baby she said “she’s as happy as they come”.
Like I’ve said already, three women in my wife’s family are social workers… and we live with a child care worker who has a diploma in child care. She is very experienced with babies and young children. I’m going to watch more shows about the basics of babies… BTW we plan on putting the cot next to our bed… that way we can quickly get to it during the night. When my wife said she’d look after the baby for 14 hours a day it was just in response to a question. I guess she didn’t want to say 24 hours because she would be sleeping some of that time. BTW besides my wife’s parents who are raising a 12 year old about 7 minutes walk away, there is the 12 year old… she could probably help a bit too. BTW I’m quite a fan of the book called “Discipline without shouting and spanking [for toddlers/young kids]” and also using the Supernanny’s naughty step. I heard somewhere that there should be a 6:1 ratio of reward/praise to punishment/disapproval (similar to John Gottman’s 5:1 positive:negative interaction ratio in marriage)
We only need a few spare minutes to have sex and often my wife wants sex more often than we do. Sometimes she complains that we haven’t done it in a week or two. If she won’t give me sex then I could take care of myself. BTW she is willing to just pull me off without sex or give me oral sex… so at the moment she is willing to do things that don’t really bring her sexual pleasure. If she is able to have sex (no period) then I do that though rather than let her give me oral sex,t etc. Like I mentioned earlier we’re going to put the cot in our room… so if the baby interrupts sex we could just go to the baby and go back to sex without even putting some clothes on.
BTW our sex only takes a few minutes (mainly for getting me hard) - it’s not like it takes 30 minutes or more like it might with some people. So it shouldn’t be too hard to fit into her schedule. My wife feels quite a lot of pleasure during sex and doesn’t want to masturbate so as long as that is true I think she’ll want to have sex (and mainly initiate it).
John Gottman’s team studied more than 900 married couples and found out that this is basically true for happy long-lasting marriages. (edit: not sure how many of these he connected with the 5:1 ratio) He also identified three types of marriages where the volatile type includes much stronger negative interactions but also has much stronger positive interactions.
There must be some kind of evidence for the 6:1 ratio for raising kids - I think it was the Supernanny that said it (or maybe the psychologist from the “Politically incorrect guide to raising chlidren”.
So for marriages it has been basically proven and I’ve applied it to my own marriage. I told my friend who wasn’t in a very successful relationship at the time and he said this ratio wasn’t that good.
I think I initially asked if she would mainly take care of it was so that she could think about a worse case scenario where she had to do most of the work.
BTW as far as babies go I can just follow other people’s directions… I’m pretty good at that when I agree to it. I’d have a while until my private thoughts (e.g. that my wife is a 5) would affect the child. BTW twice I’ve pulled out turds from toilets they were blocking with my bare hands so I don’t think nappies would be that bad.
It depends on if it’s in real life or not. I find it easier to reflect on my true thoughts here than having to translate them to and from politically correct spin.
Having a child shouldn’t be about you or your wife. It isn’t about how to make you feel better, to avoid upsetting your wife, or make you feel equal to your former classmates.
Listen up, buddy: your kid should NOT soly be your wife’s duty. YOU are the father. Even if your wife doesn’t mind, it’s not fair to the kid for you to worry more about having time to yourself and letting your wife take care about it. Or being able to “go back to having sex.”
You won’t just be “having a baby”. You’ll be “having a child.” Babies don’t stay babies.
If you have any reservations, to hell with upsetting your wife! This shouldn’t be about her feelings about having a baby – it should be about your ability to be a father. And not to just do the bare minimum. And with a kid, you can’t just have “low expectations.” That’s a recipe for disaster. IF she wants a kid, despite the fact that you don’t, and bullies you into it, then SHE’S being insanely irresponsible, and no more suitable to be a parent than you are.
BTW, about your wife being a “five” – what would you do if she were in an accident and suffered severe burn scars for the rest of her life that made her look horrible. Would you stay with her? Would you still love her?
Dude, don’t be a dad. I can’t see this marriage lasting a kid. (Well, actually I don’t see it lasting period.)
John Clay you are way too detached and self absorbed to be a parent, no matter how many books you read. You seem unable to relate to people as human beings like yourself, and unable able to process or experience genuine emotion. You can’t just pawn off child care on your wife, or reduce it to algorithms. Please do not reproduce.
I don’t know if you’re for real or not. I suspect not, but just in case you are, that’s my two cents. If you have a child you will be inflicting slow mental torture on someone who can’t defend themselves. The child will eventually turn to drugs or other self destructive behavior just to numb the wounds you will leave in his or her heart.