It kind of sounds like you hate yourself and you project that on to anyone who would sleep with you. When I first started reading your post, I thought you were going to say that you rush saying you are in love, or trying to rush the relationship along, but it seems like your self loathing is being held in check until you’ve slept with a woman. Maybe you should get that in check before dating anyone else.
In context of this thread, the second half of that sentence just cries out for the response, “No, you don’t need to be bleached at all, darling. You look fine to me!”
What kind of things did you say to her?
Ditto what everyone else has said, but also, you’re saying that you know what you’re doing is turning women off of you, making them leave the relationship, and it’s wrong, but you still think that you should keep doing it because… honesty is the best policy? Why would you keep doing something that you know is giving you bad results?
This, we fall in love because we love the way that person makes us feel about ourselves! If I had to rely just on my skills as a lover I wouldn't do very well with the opposite sex. I do know how to make a woman feel good about themselves, this works for me.
I know this is turning into a pile-on, but I keep thinking about this thread. First off, the rest of us aren’t being dishonest because we don’t say a bunch of negative things after sex, I think most of us don’t feel a bunch of negativity after sex. Laying in bed after sex with my wife is about as happy as I get, I’d have to work at it to conjure up some negativity right then. Also, sex itself can be a form of honest communication; you don’t have to have the sex so you can have the honesty, you should be already there, in the moment.
After rereading the OP, I’m starting to think that he believes that nothing says "She’s a keeper! " like a woman who’s willing to put up with verbal abuse immediately after sex.
To which she responded, “Bleach would be cruel. I’ll probably just smother you with the pillow after you fall asleep.”
She: “Finally, a man who wants to talk instead of rolling over and going to sleep. I think I’m in love!”
He: “Your ass is too big.”
Is this some MRA “treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen” bullshit, or do you just enjoy being appalling to women for its own sake? For hell’s sake, if a girl is obliging enough to sleep with you, it’s the barest human courtesy to say something nice to her afterwards, even if it’s purely for selfish reasons because you’d like to enjoy the same later.
I appreciate the responses, brutally honest though they may be.
The consummate example that I can provide:
We were talking after sex, joking around as we do, and she at some point says that she has a “tight vagina.”
—Now…do I follow my impulse to correct her? Or, do I reassure her misconception?—
I chose the brutal honesty route, and replied, “actually, I know it’s kind of rude of me to say it, but your vagina was pretty spacious.”
To which she got super offended.
—Reverse the situation—
Me: Yeah, I know my dick is huge. Definitely the biggest you’ve ever had that’s for damn sure.
Her: Actually, yours was on the smaller end. Nothing exceptional.
I would want to be corrected if I was deluding myself under a false impression. Maybe my penis is small, and I get a little butthurt about her telling me so. I trust my partner to be honest if I am wrong. I would rather know the factual reality then to operate under a foolish misconception.
I’m not afraid of reality; the bare truth. To know one’s self is to accept the hand you are dealt. I consider it a sign of respect and trust to be told how it really is. But, for things that are potentially hurtful, this is considered “un-loving” behavior. The implication, then, is that loving someone is to reinforce their conceptions of themselves, whether based in truth or not.
Perhaps it is my own self-loathing that seeks criticism from others. Maybe those who truly love and are comfortable with themselves don’t want criticism because they prefer to ignore their shortcomings. Is this really something I should uphold as virtuous? The Grand Illusion of our interpersonal dealings?
Seems like a farce, to me. Psychological weakness shrouded in the misappropriated belief that love is blind.
Love is not blind. Love is the state of mind in which the well-being of the beloved is essential to the lover’s peace of mind.
My wife is not perfect. But she is the most important thing in my life. I cannot bear to hurt her verbally, and if it’s something she needs to hear, it will take all my will to do it. At a moment when we she’s naked (in multiple senses) and vulnerable? Inconceivable. I’d rather be punched in the face by the Hulk.
Stringbean, write this on a rock. YOUR JOB IS NOT TO FIX OR EDUCATE THE WOMEN YOU LOVE AND/OR FUCK.
Is this the hyoo-mon capacity you call “tact”, a counter-factual statement designed to deceive the subject into holding a pleasant but erroneous belief? We have no place for such foolishness on my hive-world, where spawnlets are taught from the birthing pods that all statements must be backed by empirical evidence and subject to rigorous proofs.
I nominate Stringbean for the Totally and Completely Understands Women Award!
Because all women are identical and your wife (Who presumably has issues with honesty) is the representative podperson? You genuinely believe this?
Wow.
It’s amazing that she went out with you again–or even spoke to you at all–after that.
Oh, I see the problem.
Your sense of perspective measuring the scale of “completely unimportant” to “OMG EMERGENCY IMPORTANT MUST LAY IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE NOW!!!1ONEone1!!” is completely fucked up.
Really… who the fuck cares about size? Why is it important enough to even comment on? Do you care about her intellect, personality, compassion, even her damned hobbies, at all, or are you literally just fucking the hole so that’s all that matters?
Now that you’ve said that, I seriously don’t believe for a second that you didn’t mean to hurt her. You meant it all right. No mistake in judgment there – you knew it would hurt and you intended to be petty and mean. The only mystery here is why you’re still expecting a positive reaction to that.
You might want to look up the definition of brutal. He is doing something right to be married fifty years.
What utter bullshit.
Just what misconception were you fixing by telling her this? Now that you have told her can she run to the Vagina squeezers to get it fixed? Of course not, she can’t do a thing about it so there was never any good reason to tell her that, there was never anything good she could learn from being told that, and the only possible reason to ever tell her that was to be a complete asshole.
You’ve seen Plinkett!