Ladies: How offensive or hurtful is this?

You and your boyfriend are both in your early-to-mid-twenties, and you work at the same place.

There’s a new female coworker. She’s physically attractive, but you and the BF agree that she has a completely vile personality. One afternoon, you have a conversation with your boyfriend to this effect, and again, you both concur with the opinion that she’s an ultra-bitch.

Later that evening, you go to a bar with your hubby. After both of you get pretty hammered, you stumble home, and penis ensues.

In the midst of your lovemaking, while both of you are whispering drunken sweet nothings to each other, your boyfriend says: “That new chick at work is really hot, but I would much rather be with you.”

In response to this, do you:

A. Laugh it off as a drunken malapropism.
B. Stop the booty call right there, and have a frank discussion lasting several hours to several days about why what he said was so hurtful.
C. Same as option B, but after he fully explains and apologizes, hold The Utterance as a grudge for the next ten years to be unearthed whenever you have an argument.
D. Kick his ass to the curb post-haste.
E. Something else entirely?

I’d go with B, along with a side order of “please to be explaining what you meant by that, now”.

E, which in my case would be asking calmly (when we were both sober and in control of our thought processes) what he meant by that, and not working him over unnecessarily for what was probably just a drunken slip.


I’d think it an odd and inappropriate comment given the circumstances (that is, when we’re being intimate, I’d like the focus to be on *me *- if you’re fantasizing, great, but don’t include me in on it if I haven’t consented) but the sentiment as actually expressed is really kind of sweet.

My guess is that most women who would be offended by it hear the first part “That new chick at work is really hot,” ignore the second (and more important) part: “but I would much rather be with you.” and substitute in their own insecurity, making the whole thing sound, in their heads, something like “That new chick at work is really hot, and she’s so much better than you and before you know it I’m going to realize it and leave your sorry ass to your cat and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and you’ll die a miserable and lonely person.”

So I’d probably laugh, pause and say something like, “Wrong time, wrong place, but thanks, I think,” and then continue the coitus.

Well, I know that I’m not really hot, so I’d probably assume that he was just trying to compliment me. Such comparisons rarely do it for me, so I might give him a sarcastic “Gee, thanks, honey” response, which would probably result in some mutual laughter and then it would be forgotten in the interests of allowing the penis to ensue. I seriously doubt that I’d stop the action or turn it into a “thing,” and I can’t imagine ever bringing it up again.

That said, I’m really not sure how I might have responded 10 years ago (when I was in my mid-20s, per the OP’s scenario). It might have been a bigger “thing” then, due simply to less maturity and experience.

E. Not be offended at all. She’s really hot. He’d rather be with me. Why the hell am I supposed to be hurt?

It depends on how secure you are in the relationship. It might be a drunken attempt at a compliment, it might be a truth in drunkeness admission of attraction.

Either way, wait until he sobers up, then discuss it with him.

I hate to admit this, but I’d probably go with C. I guess I’m kind of a petty bitch.

F) Get opinions from your boyfriend about the situation with your hubby? :stuck_out_tongue:

If you two were discussing the issue, maybe he feels like you were insecure about her, and in his stupid drunken way, telling you that was a way of reassuring you. Unlikely, probably, but you’d know best - hard to examine a stranger’s psychology second hand.

I’ll have to vote along with Dangerosa and Whynot. It sounds to me like it was intended to be a compliment. But drunken compliments seldom sound as good on the outside as they did sloshing around on the inside of the noggin.

Consider also. People are more likely to say what they really think after they’ve had a few. So if he thinks she’s an annoying ultra-bitch whie snockered, it doesn’t really matter how hot she looks.

I was confused because I read “BF” and “hubby” as being “boyfriend” and “husband,” two different people.

How’bout “lay off drunken sex and wait till sober?”

Heh. I missed that in the OP. I’m pretty sure you read it “right”, except that the OP made a mistake. I think there’s only one guy involved.

If not, actually, my advice still stands. I might feel a bit exasperated that both my partners were thinking about this other woman and how attractive she is, but honestly, still not a problem. A. It’s not her fault for being attractive and B. We all agree she’s a bitch and I’m better suited for them, so she’s not a threat to either of my relationships.

What he said seems to be basically true in a Shrek kind of way so I would just disregard it as drunken nonsense. In real life, that type of thing would still piss me off but I doubt anything wasn’t well intended. Psychological war games over that sort of thing don’t help anyone especially if it was a statement based on any sort of reality.

Translate it into Caveman Talk:

New Girl Pretty. I Like You Better Any Day

There is always F: arrange for a threesome. But not with someone who is a bitch and you work with, even if you were open to that sort of thing.

Whoops. Hubby and boyfriend are the same person… sorry for any confusion.

Again, sorry for the confusion. I’m the boyfriend/hubby in this situation. But you (and Shagnasty) pretty much nailed my booze-addled thought process at the time.

I would probably go with A with a side of E. It sounds like he’s just attempting to say what we both already agreed on: she’s hot, but I’m better. I would also probably get a lot of mileage out of the hilariously ill-formed comment and (jokingly) bust his balls about it for some time to come. No good ever comes out of getting bent out of shape over well meant comments.

I’d talk to him about it when we were both sober, and once it was clear he meant it as a compliment, I’d tell him “You really have a way of backhanding a compliment when drunk and in the throes of passion.” and tease him a bit. We’d then kiss and go on with the day chuckling. ETA: That’s sort of along the lines of a MIL compliment I was told about “This pie is as good as storebought!” said while mmmming over it. She meant well, but served it backhand.

It depends on the relationship. If it was out of character for the guy to say something like that, and overall the relationship was solid and loving, I’d laugh about it and let it go. If he had a history of saying stupid shit and hurting my feelings, and this was just another example of it, it might be the icing on the cake and I’d choose D, kick him to the curb.

It sounds like one of those offhand remarks— like “you look amazing for your age” or “I don’t like really skinny women like that… I’m more attracted to you”— that we men make, fumblingly, intending a compliment, which somehow reaches your ear as an insult. Until we learn better, that is.

Best to avoid all mention of age or weight, I’ve found; on the topic of the attractiveness of other women, evince no more than a shrugging indifference.

“Who, her? Oh… yeah, I guess.” <resumes reading newspaper>