Bed-talk and (brutal) honesty

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a problem I keep encountering and I am wondering the opinions of others on this.

Basically, I open up like a book after sleeping with a woman. I don’t know why I do this, but after sex I feel like you should be able (and want) to talk about more personal/revealing things in your life, your past, your thoughts, etc.

Well, the problem is that in this raw, unfiltered state-of-mind, I tend to say things that are crass and blunt. This is especially damaging when I am talking about my partner, to my partner, and I say less-than-flattering things about her. Certainly, I am quick to point out my own flaws and weaknesses as a person. But then, when I turn to talk about others, I just blurt out things that are straightforward, and often hurtful.

My latest (ex-)girlfriend stopped sleeping with me after our first couple of dates. It was really odd because we would go out on dates and have great conversations and would offer outward signs of physical interest, but she typically would cut things short one way or another and kind of leave me hangin’. Finally, after our 4th or 5th date of this, I sat down with her and told her that the relationship was unsatisfying and I asked her why she stopped sleeping with me. In a nutshell, she told me that some of the things I said to her after our few first times having sex were very hurtful to her and really turned her off to me sexually. Basically, she avoided sex because she knew I would start up again with the brutal honesty that she doesn’t want in her life.

I think I am coming from the belief that once you have slept with someone, there is no need to hide who you really are. She wants to invest a year of superficial dating until she can “trust” me to actually have real conversations. I find that absurd and a giant waste of time. I don’t have the patience for that, but then maybe I do it because I subconsciously want to push people away. Or maybe I have this weird compulsion to throw all my shit at someone early on, and if they can deal with it and not freak out, they are worth pursuing. I think it’s a little of both, but whatever the reason, it’s really starting to bother me that I keep doing this and it keeps ruining my relationships.

Everyone has their dark sides, but women don’t want to see, hear, or think about it until they’ve invested enough time that they will overlook it. This seems like a guarded perspective, and one that leads to wasting your time with the wrong people. I don’t know if I can learn to only filter the “good honesty.” That seems like nothing better than lying to someone. It should be absolute: either it’s all on the table or nothing.

I’m especially curious to get the opinions of women on this. If this behavior continues to ruin my relationships, then I will force myself to change. Maybe I just take it too far, and this is one of those things where men and women think differently.

2

Pardon me for being crass, but if I sleep with someone and they follow that up with “you suck”, there’s no way I’m sticking around! What on earth makes you think they care about your brutal, honest opinion? Especially early in a relationship? Learn some tact, kid, and learn how to keep your mouth shut. It’s insulting, rude, and hurting people who’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it. And if they HAVE? Why the hell are you sleeping with them in the first place?

3

I think you’d be better off asking other men if they share your post-coital practice.

You might be surprised to find that this is not an issue of men and women thinking differently.

4

If the real you says - by your own admission - “things that are crass and blunt” and that your girlfriend says are very hurtful, then you need to examine why the real you is such an asshole.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I don’t think I need to waste my time with the wrong people.

5

I’d need examples of what you’re sharing in order to give an informed response. If it’s “I’ve always had an interest in midget porn…” that’s one thing. “If you lost a few pounds, you’d be able to put your leg behind your head and I’d REALLY rock your world…” is completely different.

6

There’s your answer.

7

As an addendum, if you’ve realized you have negative feelings about somebody and don’t want to be in a relationship with them, you should tell them this before you have sex with them not afterwards.

8

Why, when you are finally in a safe space where you can be brutally honest and be yourself, is it horrible, hurtful shit that comes out? Why aren’t you moved to talk about how nervous you are about your performance, or how beautiful you think they are, or how excited you are about how wonderful this all was?

I don’t think the problem is that you are showing “the real you” too soon. I think the problem is that “the real you” is an asshole who sees the worst in people.

9

I’m guessing that the turn-off isn’t just in the fact that you are brutally honest. It’s that you wait to show this side of yourself for the moment most people expect tenderness and kindness.

Ya’ll are lying there butt-ass naked, literally and figuratively at your most vulnerable. Why do you think that’s the best time time be brutally honest?

10

Problem solved. Delete one little word.

Basically, I open up a book after sleeping with a woman.

11

“People who are brutally honest usually enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.”

Don’t remember who said it but I think it’s true.

12

So let me make sure i understand this.

You go out with a woman, sleep with her, then after the sex you tell her all the unflattering brutally honest things about her, and then you wonder why she not sleep with you again ?

13

Suddenly I had Family Feud flashbacks… Ding, ding, ding…number one answer!

Monstro’s pointing out the disconnect between filtered and unfiltered you is probably a close number two. It sounds like the difference is potentially jarring.

14

Beat me to it. I gotta wonder why your brutal honesty involves tearing someone down, rather than being honestly effusive about how much you like / care for this person. Or else you’re sleeping with people you don’t care about and only desire to tear down, in which case this was NEVER heading for relationship territory to begin with.

In short, your words are only a reflection of your attitudes, so why do you insist on seeing only the worst in people, especially when you’re sleeping with them?

15

Being crass and blunt, and saying unflattering things to your partner, does not indicate an honest and true and deep relationship. It demonstrates a total lack of manners, boundaries, empathy, and respect for your partner.

16

After 50 years of marriage I would not even think about being brutally honest with a woman, whats the point?

17

Oh, please, please, please can you give us an example of some of your brutal honesty?

18

So this brutal honesty— what are we talking here?

“Your voice mail greeting is a bit too long.”

or

“I’m only fucking you out of pity, and you really need to bleach your asshole.”

19

All of these responses (and plenty of others in the thread as well) are on the money.

20

Yeah, what everyone said.

Women (and men too) want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves (ETA and just in general).

This doesn’t mean you should be dishonest with a woman. It means you should be with a woman whom you like and respect enough that your honest opinion of her does make her feel better about herself.