Re: Since when is “Free” spelled “Give me 400 dollars?”
Dear Bursar’s Office, ______ University,
I like to think that I have a reasonably sound grasp of the English language, having spoken it for over twenty years now. I’ve won speechwriting competitions. I write contracts for a living at this very university. I have a degree from a very highly regarded university in writing, which, you’ll be surprised to note, required excellent reading comprehension skills in addition to being able to make squiggly marks on paper. My apartment is filled with books (full of words, not pictures), which I read, merely for the pleasure of it, a concept that I know must seem very odd to you. If you are wondering how I accomplish this amazing feat, I assure you that it is much easier to procure adequate reading lights when your head is not STUCK UP YOUR ASS.
So when I tell you that “free” is not the same as “give me four hundred dollars,” be assured that I know whereof I speak.
In case you are wondering, yes, I did get your notification that you had cancelled my Spring 04 classes today. I realize that your office must be very busy at this time of year, what with all that poo to be thrown at the walls. But I must say that I expected even troglodytes like yourselves were familiar with the concept of “Free.” “Free” means that there will be no charge. “Give me 400 dollars” on the other hand, is slightly different.
See if you can sound it out. I’ll wait.
“Give me 400 dollars,” in addition to sounding nothing like the word “Free” is, actually, NOT FUCKING FREE AT ALL. So when you say that employees can work on a degree for “free,” but actually you charge them per credit hour every semester, what you mean to say is that you are mendacious, bottom-feeding lackwits who enjoy taking revenge for your own shitty positions in life by crapping all over employees who are trying to enrich themselves. What you mean to say is that you and the administration find it ever so much easier to impose bogus fees than to just raise tuition. What you mean to say is that, in addition to the hiring freeze, the lack of cost of living or merit increases for the past two years, and the wonderful feeling that one gets from coming to work each day wondering if today’s the day some disgruntled octogenarian secretary who got laid off comes back with an uzi, and due to glaucoma is unable to recognize me as the one who always turned her Lean Cuisine for her, instead mistaking me for someone LIKE YOU, in addition to all that, if an employee tries to get some benefit out of working for a university by taking advantage of the education the university offers as part of its benefits package, you are effectively GIVING THEM A PAYCUT.
I’ve checked with other schools in our system, and nobody else charges these fucking grotesque fees, not even the lead institution.
Since the teller windows that trap you in your office also prevent me from springing across the counter to throttle you, let me suggest that perhaps those bullet-proof protections would be unnecessary if you gave students some notice before irrevocably fucking up their entire semester. For instance, when you impose a deadline for getting four hundred dollars from a student, but tell them everything is free, the student might appreciate knowing in advance when she’s about to be thrown out of a free class for non-payment of a fee that was never billed to her. A simple shout of “Bend Over” would suffice.
Very Sincerely (Hoping) Yours (Shrivels Up and Falls Off),
Jenny Haniver