I need to buy some gourmet bottled water (Don’t ask). You know, organic, gluten free, grass fed … Tastes like melted diamonds. That water you would baptize God himself with. Etc.
I tried looking at reviews online but I need some SD opinions. If you needed to buy extra-special water, which would you get. Note: limit is $30 and that can be for multiple bottles. So no $100 melted Icelandic glacier water (and they are sold out anyways).
Iced Mountain spring water!
Stranger
The old joke about ‘Evian’ spelled backwards comes to mind.
There’s always Monk’s favorite spring water:
I moved this to the Cafe, it seems like a better fit.
Cheers.
I do like Gerolsteiner. Very high in minerals to the point of almost being salty but the fizzy version is my favourite whenever I can get it. It isn’t ridiculously expensive either.
I can guarantee that no-one will drink it and mistake it for simple tap water.
Has anyone tried Mountain Valley Spring Water? Right now that may be the default go to.
You need to consult a water sommelier
I’m a tap water drinker and can’t recommend a bottled variety, but this part of the OP made me chuckle.
That would be the Jordan River, which in recent decades has become very polluted. Even when John the Baptist did the deed it would likely have been too muddy for modern American tastes. There might even have been a dead goat or cow floating by 
For your consideration, in the cool embossed glass bottle from New Zealand, Waiwera
I’m not all that picky but for my friends that are they all seem to like Fiji.
From people who are into that sort of thing I hear Fiji come up a lot.
If the vibe you’re looking for is “douchebaggy”: Voss.
Part of it is getting water that this person normally wouldn’t get. Otherwise I’d buy him a couple cases of Fiji.
Best deal for the money: go to some rich pretentious dochebag’s house on garbage day. Pull whatever water bottles they’re drinking out of their recycling bin. Fill with tap water. Done!
You know, in Evian they just call it “de l’eau”. I saw a bunch of people fill up jugs at the (free) public fountain (presumably they have the exact same water on tap at home, though? Maybe they were tourists.)
Same with Yessentuki. (I am not sure I personally like it that salty, though.)
They were the two varieties I was offered in the mini bar when staying at the Millenium Hilton in New York. Massive, massive meh! overpriced and indistinguishable from chilled tap water for me.
A true water aficionado wouldn’t drink buy bottled water that any peasant could get from Amazon for US$12/bottle. No, they would go direct to the source and drink it in the raw, unfiltered, manumitted state, unchained by glass, aluminum, or (ugh!) plastics with all of its leachable ‘chemicals’.
Stranger
Memphis water has been voted the best water in the US a couple of times. It is really good, kinda spoils me for water anywhere else or for paying for bottled water.
In thinking about the people filling bottles from a fountain in Evian. in Memphis our water is treated with flouride and some other chemicals. there used to be a public fountain in a city park where you could get untrated water. I knew a lot of people who would go there regularly and fill up jugs. Alas, that is no longer available.
I vaguely recall a bottled water debacle in the 70s or maybe the 80s, as the brand named pricey “spring water” nectar turned out to be nothing more than some city’s municipal tap water.
Nice snark but it’s very much false. I once put some tap water in an empty spring water bottle because I had run out of spring water. Later I forgot I had done it, took a swing and almost puked. The tap water here is no better or worse than anywhere else I’ve lived – it’s all chlorinated crap that tastes like water from a swimming pool that a horse pissed in.
It’s no help to the OP but where I live my preference is locally sourced spring water since there are many lovely clean springs even in the more southerly parts of rural Ontario. I have a favourite source and regardless of brand I look for water from that source. Store brands often use it but not consistently.
Wow, I thought you were joking. There really is such a thing as a certified water sommelier!