Best freakin' line you've heard lately.

At work, the boss told us we could dress down ( usually business casual).

One of the guys asked if it okay for him to wear his Spiderman Costume.
Everyone nearly peed their pants.

Overheard in a role-playing game from a cyborg character: “Buddy, 72% of me is cold killing machine, and you’re pissing off the rest.”

Scuze me, Miss, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree: he couldn’t decide whether to hit a wood, or an iron!

Either way, it wasn’t much of a drive…

“Look, pal, I have eight problems and you are five of them.”

Said in the office: Dude, hold up - let someone else summarize the situation…
Reply: So I suffer from Premature Articulation?


Not to mention somebody finally beat him using golf clubs… his wife!

From a friend regarding Obama’s taking so long to decide on Afghanistan: He makes Hamlet seem rash.

I have this old toy sitting on my bookshelf at home. A friend was over and noticed it for the first time:

She: What is that thing?
Me: It’s a monster from Dungeons and Dragons.
She: It looks like an asshole.
Me: Nah, he’s alright once you get to know him.

It was funnier before I clicked the picture.

I realized how much of a nerd I am when I knew what it was going to be before I clicked on it.

I was expecting a


Tiger’s going to change his name to Cheetah.

So did I, and I have never played D&D. Guess that makes me a nerd-by-proxy.

So my husband and I were watching TV, and we saw an add for The Chipmunks sequel.

me: I can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for the live actors in that film.
Sr. olives: Not me.
me (laughing): I mean, it was probably the most money they ever made–
Sr. olives (deadpan): Someone was presented with a script entitled Chipmunks: The Squeakuel. (The loathing in the delivery… impossible to articulate.)
Sr. olives: At that point he or she may have considered any number of possible alternatives.

For example:

Why don’t I apply for that job at McDonalds?
Perhaps I should investigate the effects of applying Scotch tape to my eyebrows.
I wonder how many orifices I can fit this fork into?

me: (died laughing)

olivesmarch4th Awesome. That is all.

Now I can’t get goatse dentata out of my mind.

This is a genuine conversation between two prisoners that took place yesterday, Person C has just been released, A and B are still in prison

Person A is a good friend of Person B
Person C is also a good friend of person B.

Person A If you heard that your best friend’s wife was having an affair with someone else, do you think they should be told?

Person B Well aye, of course!

Person A Would you do it?

Person B What sort of mate wouldn’t, course I would.

Person A I just got off the phone from our lass, Person C is shagging your missus

Friend 1: Happy Birthday Boo
Friend 2: Easy boy, her birthday’s not until tomorrow, you come too soon.
Friend 1: It’s premature birthdaylation