At work, the boss told us we could dress down ( usually business casual).
One of the guys asked if it okay for him to wear his Spiderman Costume.
Everyone nearly peed their pants.
Overheard in a role-playing game from a cyborg character: “Buddy, 72% of me is cold killing machine, and you’re pissing off the rest.”
Scuze me, Miss, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree: he couldn’t decide whether to hit a wood, or an iron!
Either way, it wasn’t much of a drive…
“Look, pal, I have eight problems and you are five of them.”
Said in the office: Dude, hold up - let someone else summarize the situation…
Reply: So I suffer from Premature Articulation?
Haa!
Not to mention somebody finally beat him using golf clubs… his wife!
From a friend regarding Obama’s taking so long to decide on Afghanistan: He makes Hamlet seem rash.
I have this old toy sitting on my bookshelf at home. A friend was over and noticed it for the first time:
She: What is that thing?
Me: It’s a monster from Dungeons and Dragons.
She: It looks like an asshole.
Me: Nah, he’s alright once you get to know him.
It was funnier before I clicked the picture.
I realized how much of a nerd I am when I knew what it was going to be before I clicked on it.
I was expecting a
beholder
Tiger’s going to change his name to Cheetah.
So did I, and I have never played D&D. Guess that makes me a nerd-by-proxy.
So my husband and I were watching TV, and we saw an add for The Chipmunks sequel.
me: I can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for the live actors in that film.
Sr. olives: Not me.
me (laughing): I mean, it was probably the most money they ever made–
Sr. olives (deadpan): Someone was presented with a script entitled Chipmunks: The Squeakuel. (The loathing in the delivery… impossible to articulate.)
Sr. olives: At that point he or she may have considered any number of possible alternatives.
For example:
Why don’t I apply for that job at McDonalds?
Perhaps I should investigate the effects of applying Scotch tape to my eyebrows.
I wonder how many orifices I can fit this fork into?
me: (died laughing)
olivesmarch4th Awesome. That is all.
Now I can’t get goatse dentata out of my mind.
This is a genuine conversation between two prisoners that took place yesterday, Person C has just been released, A and B are still in prison
Person A is a good friend of Person B
Person C is also a good friend of person B.
Person A If you heard that your best friend’s wife was having an affair with someone else, do you think they should be told?
Person B Well aye, of course!
Person A Would you do it?
Person B What sort of mate wouldn’t, course I would.
Person A I just got off the phone from our lass, Person C is shagging your missus
Friend 1: Happy Birthday Boo
Friend 2: Easy boy, her birthday’s not until tomorrow, you come too soon.
Friend 1: It’s premature birthdaylation