My best friend was going out with this guy for close to 2 years, they were completely in love. They were ready to get married once finished with school, etc. Back in august, she broke up with him, devastating him. We’ve always been close as well, so we stayed friends even after they broke up. Claire’s pissed, but I’m not gonna give up a friendship because she dumped him. We also live a good 2000 miles apart by the way, so we rarely see each other. Well, I was in Florida last week. Me and her ex were hanging out, we ended up having sex. Now my problem comes in…do I tell my best friend? While she dumped him, she stil cares about him alot, but he feels that she gave up her right to govern whom he sleeps with when she broke up with him. I was testing the water last night, and asked her how she’d feel if we hooked up, and she said she wouldn’t mind if it was anybody else but me. He thinks this is because she sees me as the easy one, so of course I’d be a threat, and none of her other friends are really his type. Personally, I don’t think it should be a problem, as long as I don’t rub it in her face, but I still don’t want to ruin a friendship. What’s your opinion…are your best friends’ exes off limits, or would you be pissed if you were in her shoes?
Morally? You’ve every right. She dumped him, not vice versa.
Practically? It doesn’t matter. Don’t get involved with him unless you’re prepared for her to terminate your friendship. People are frequently not too logical in these matters, as I know from sad experience.
Rule of thumb: Friends’ exes are off limits until said friend is in (or has had) another relationship. But as ruadh says, some people are not too logical about those things.
If you were just fooling around - well, morally you have the right to sleep with him as well as the right to keep silent about it. OTOH, if this lucky fellow is relationship material, you’ll have to risk the friendship.
(Had you been a guy, I would’ve proposed the time-tested “get drunk together and get things straightened out” method with the option of a half-hearted fistfight, but that approach is probably not practical here.)
S. Norman
In my circle of friends ex’s are off limits unless you have explicit permission.
Scenario 1: You and your friend’s ex have been subconsciously (or consciously) attracted all along and your friend’s exit from the scene has given you the green light to pursue a relationship with her ex. You’ve seen an opportunity and will grab it. All’s fair in love and war. Result: You will most likely lose your friend. Who knows what will happen with you and him? It may be true love.
Scenario 2: The jilted ex-boyfriend is reeling from being dumped by someone he really cared about. Enter you. You remind him of his ex, since you were best friends. You have similar interests, similar personalities, you may even look alike and dress alike. He never really noticed it before, but you’re really attractive. Result: Can we say “rebound?” He is using you in order to console himself over the loss of your friend. You will lose your friend AND him eventually.
Scenario 3: The jilted ex-boyfriend is reeling from being dumped by someone he really cared about. Enter you. You’re attractive, PLUS now there’s a way to get back at his ex! Result: He is using you to hurt your ex, as she hurt him. You will lose both relationships eventually.
Summary: Proceed with caution. His motives may be good, but entering a relationship on the rebound isn’t good in the best of circumstances. And then when you complicate it by having it be your best friend’s ex…
My advice is to pick the least important relationship of the two and sacrifice it for the sake of the other.
Scenario 4: The breakup was hurtful to all around, but life moves on. Your friend finds fulfillment in another relationship. You and your friend’s ex. explore a mutual attraction, quietly (love that 2000 mile buffer zone). If it’s just sex, you’ll both soon know it.
BUT – and I say this subjectively – it’s my observation that two guys stand less of a chance of falling out permanently over a woman than two women fighting over a guy. (Spiny Norman hit that one over the head, as well as his drunk/fight solution)
Last year I dated a woman whom I was friends of, in addition to being friends of her ex. When we started dating, some friends of mine looked down on us with the “friends don’t date friends’ exes” attitude. Nevermind that, when she and he were dating, I was closer a friend to her than him.
Anyway, I say go for it and don’t worry about it.
ruadh is right. It’s true that you ought to have the right to date him without her caring one whit. However, I’ve been on both sides of this, and I can assure you that it tends to make for awkward relations between the friends. Maybe it’s not logical or fair, but there it is. In fact, the point that it ISN’T logical or fair makes it worse. I know when I was the one watching my best friend date the guy I dumped, I nearly went crazy because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I sure couldn’t talk about them–after all, I’d dumped the guy. I could see how irrational I was being, but that made it harder, not easier.
If you pursue something, be aware that that it could cause a strain. And count on the laws of rationality or karma or fairness to make it all right in the end, unfortunately.
Argh, I meant DON’T count on the laws…
This has to be the stupidest rule people have ever come up with. It is designed to encourage the idea that you can posess another human being. “Yea, I dumped him, but he better not move on with his life and seek happiness because he’s mine, even if I don’t want him anymore.”
Its stupid, posessive, and ignores the fact that people grow and change.
However, it seems as though most people actually think it’s reasonable outside of a few very comfortable groups of friends. I was lucky enough to be in one during high school and was horrified to learn that people do this when I came to college.
It doesn’t sound like Claire is much of a best friend…or at least you don’t seem like one to her. She was already upset that you were friends with him, so you sleep with him. I agree with everyone who says that you can’t possess a person, so rationally, he’s fair game. If you were really her friend, though, you would have discussed this with her before you slept with him. You might have been able to work this out or at least come to a better understanding of her feelings so that you could respect them like a true friend would.
Right now, I think you have a guy to sleep with and an ex-friend who lives 2000 miles away. You should tell her what you did and gracefully accept the almost inevitable consequence that she’ll be extremely pissed and never speak to you or him again.
By the way, how do you go from hanging out to whoops! having sex? Also, don’t you think it’s a little manipulative of this guy to tell you that your friend thinks you’re easy and that’s why you’re a threat? I think I’d be a little insulted.
They’re only off limits if you want to keep that person as a friend. After people break up they still have feelings regarding the other person.
Marc
let’s see, less than six months ago (last August), they were considering getting married, and you think he’s fair game now 'cause she lives 2000 miles away?
While I don’t necessarily go so far as to say ‘friends’ ex’s are always and forever off limits’, I would go so far as to say that if I really intended to keep the friend, I wouldn’t be sleeping with some one they’d just broken up with, had almost married.
that’s my opinion, you, of course, are free to do what you please.
Assuming you want to keep your best friend,
Don’t tell. Don’t hint at it any more. Don’t do it again.
Yes, in a cool, logical, rational line of thinking, no one has done anything actually wrong. But people are very rarely cool, logical, or rational about ex-fiances, especially ones they still care about (in any way, shape or form).
Claire will consider it a betrayal. If she finds out, it will hurt her and it will be a problem. (and possibly the end of your friendship (or the beginning of a long break in your friendship.)) I would say that telling isn’t worth the pain it would cause someone I considered to be my best friend.
Friend’s exes should be off limits, but it depends on the situation. In your situation, I think it would be better not to let your friend know, unless you think that there is some other way she may find out. If that is the case, it is better to be the bearer of bad news than tom have fucked her ex and lied about it.
I think she meant that the guy is 2000 miles away, not the best friend. In any case, the ex-boyfriend of a friend is always off-limits. You never know if they’re going to get back together. There are plenty of guys out there to screw around with, without taking the leftovers from a friend.
In my almost incestuous group of friends anyone is fair game. Right at this moment, an ex-girlfriend of mine, who just happened to be my first love and whom I was with for three years, is living with a friend of mine. And she hooked up with him before even breaking up with me. Even so, I say that if the person in question is no longer involved with the friend, go for it. Now I realize that’s a rather broad generality, but the question defies specification, in my opinion. I mean, hey, I got over it, right? Or at least I will one of these years.
" What’s your
opinion…are your best friends’ exes off limits, or would you be pissed if you were in her shoes?"
The fact that you have to ask us shows us that you are uncertain of your decision. I have a nagging feeling that you would be quite upset if it were the other way around.
Has it occured to you that maybe the old boyfriend might be trying to get even with that girl by having sex with you?
Even if you got permission, use your head wisely.
Also, search here there should be a few hundred messages on having sex with friends of this nature.