A friend of mine once got $50 in gift certificates from McDonalds, separated them from their little booklets, and put the whole lot into a box for the bride and groom to open.
Maybe this isn’t vindictive enough, but I always liked it. Incidentally, he said the groom thought it was a fun gift–both original and useful. His bride was offended at its tackiness. My friend had predicted both of these reactions–he knew he would get the snobbish bride’s goat, and that his down-to-earth friend with the sense of humor would love it.
I realize that the tit-for-tat thing is commonplace as is blatantly asking for money and considering the registry sacrosanct. Anyone can do whatever they like for their wedding but they should realize what is outside the bounds of ettiquette and just what might be considered rude.
I realize that the tit-for-tat thing is commonplace as is blatantly asking for money and considering the registry sacrosanct. Anyone can do whatever they like for their wedding but they should realize what is outside the bounds of ettiquette and just what might be considered rude.
The “poor couple” is not entitled to expect anything at all, so they are not being victimized if they get duplicates of gifts that no one was obliged to give them in the first place. We got a few duplicates. We didn’t care. We were grateful that anyone gave us anything at all.
The couple is way out of line by “wanting” anything in the first place. Gift registries are rude and grasping and should be ignored.
I don’t check at all. I’ll give them whatever I feel like. I’m amazed that anyone thinks it’s ok not only to demand gifts but to demand specific gifts. I don’t respond well to being shaken down like that.
A gift should be given because the giver wants to give it to the couple and thinks it will bring them pleasure. The gift costs what it costs and the price of the gift and the price/head of the wedding reception are in no way related. It is not about “breaking even” on the wedding.
It is also not even remotely rude to buy something off the registry. :rolleyes: The registry is a suggestion - not a demand.
my understanding of this is that mentioning gifts at ALL in an invitation is bad form. YMMV, of course - i know it’s totally common nowadays to include registry cards and the like, and whether it’s proper etiquette or not is kind of overshadowed by the fact that it really DOES make life easier.
asking for cash in and of itself is not bad, but it’s supposed to be passed by word of mouth, not by flat out asking for it.
regarding the OP, i would just send a card. the “just cash” thing was utterly obnoxious.
Again, I cite these “rules” not because I agree with them in any personal way, or have any real interest in them beyond playing along and making whoever happy on their special day. The gift-for-plate rule is just something I’ve heard tossed around, so it seems to be a rule of thumb. It actually strikes me as a pretty dumb rule just on concept because, well, how the hell am I supposed to know how much was spent on the meal per plate? I guess most people ballpark it based on what they know of the planners’ finances, and shoot for a reasonable range. I don’t advocate, in any event, just report.
We really expected nothing of the people we invited to our wedding, but many made quite a point of asking us what we wanted. When we said we didn’t know, they told us what we should do. Many times. Until we gave them an answer. When we offered up the registry, we made the language very optional, so people knew it was just a guide they could use if they wished; and some people didn’t buy gifts off the registry, which was completely fine with us (in fact one of my favorites is a beautiful world atlas it never even dawned on me to ask for). Some folks brought nothing at all, which was totally cool. We sent them thank-you’s for showing up. I always figured it was understood nobody is required to bring a gift, and that the registry is to help those who wish to get the bride and groom what they need and want. I myself have always genuinely wanted to bring a gift to a wedding, and really couldn’t imagine attending without one. It seems nearly everyone who attended our wedding had a similar sentiment, and I assumed the registry would help them out if they chose to make use of it, just as registries have helped me in the past when I was stumped. Miss Manners above seems out of touch with reality. I’m not saying she’s wrong, at least in principle, and if some folks want to make a statement at someone elses wedding by flouting the registry as a show of defiance, great. If you want to leave guests who seem to sincerely want to know your wishes guessing, that’s fine too.
I’d just be less sure of yourselves when you assume everybody who plays along with wedding traditions is an asshole. Yeah, it may be a bit craven to cave into these social pressures, but, as I said above, we’re talking about peoples’ weddings here. A hopefully once-in-a-lifetime event. I just can’t see the value in taking a turd in the punchbowl, even if the Bride and Bridegroom are being incredibly crass. They do something else that’s obnoxious, tell them. Or don’t go. The OP won’t be attending, so it seems to me simply sending regards is entirely appropriate. But if I’m going to the wedding, and somebody gives me some instructions, I’m going to follow those instructions meticulously.
Or it could be because they don’t want to bother with sending it by mail, without thinking about what the bride and groom will have to do with it at the wedding and afterwards.
I got married in California (where my family lives), while living in Boston. Virtually all of the guests who lived in California brought their presents to the wedding, which meant that they all stayed at my parents’ house for months until my mother could box them all up and ship them to us. I had all the thank you notes out long before I had actual possession of the gifts (we opened them after the honeymoon but before we went back to Boston, and I brought home a list of who sent what). I wouldn’t have minded this, if almost every single one of them hadn’t said something to my mother at the wedding along the lines of, “I didn’t want to bother to ship this across the country, so I just brought it.” I don’t think a single one of them thought about how we would get them across the country. I was grateful for every gift, and I would never snark at the givers, but I also will never bring a gift with me to a wedding instead of sending it, having experienced what a nuisance it is for the bride and groom.
Sorry to reproduce so much of your original post, but it’s almost word for word what we went through two months ago at our wedding. Mr. Armadillo’s entire family is on the East coast, and none of them were able to come except his immediate family and one aunt and uncle. We knew they likely wouldn’t be able to, and have planned a trip next summer to see them all instead (bring the “wedding” to them instead of expecting the whole elderly family to travel 5k miles to us for one evening…). Even still, it would have seemed to them a huge snub if we hadn’t sent invitations or announcements, so we did. I was really worried it would seem like some sort of gift-grubbing, but also knew they had to be sent or risk offending Great Aunt Marge, who I’ve never met and he hasn’t seen in years and who has a roughly 0% chance of actually attending, but who would also be mighty pissed if she wasn’t included.
Furthermore, like you, we already have everything we need (have been together six and a half years and lived together for two, own a house together, etc) and I felt beyond tacky creating a registry and making a greedy-ass list of everything I “want”–but was made to do so by my mom and sister who used almost word for word the same reasoning yours did… and in the end, I’m glad I did, because at least we got some nice kitchen stuff from those we don’t know well enough to know our taste and choose an appropriate gift, and from those people really close to our lives and hearts ignored the registry and brought personal gifts which were lovely too. And a lot of people sent cash or checks and that’s fine too, although again it made me really uncomfortable even to cash them.
I swear by the end of it I was about ready to break out into hives anytime anyone asked me about a registry. I refused to discuss it and just told people we weren’t expecting gifts and didn’t need anything, which actually made people mad. Mom told anyone who asked that the list existed.
Sigh. We enjoyed the wedding and had a great time, but navigating all that gift and invitation etiquitte was way more stressful than anything.
It’s incredibly stressful. I found myself sometimes just wanting a clear answer to some question, some engraven sooth from the Inviolate Book of Wedding Wisdom, whether I found that answer bizarre or not, so I could move on to the next item in the list of about 237 other things I needed to do over the next few months. I can honestly say, with some things, I had no oppinion any more. I just wanted to know what everybody else thinks is what one should do. Getting inconsistent answers from multiple trusted sources would keep me up at night.
We did the registry thing also, even though I didn’t much care what people gave us as gifts (or gave gifts at all). We also made sure we had a good range of prices of gifts in the registry so that people could buy any level of gift that they were comfortable with. When the dust settled after our wedding, we actually had a huge bundle of cash gifts (part of which was from our free bar with a tip jar).
People do like to give people they love gifts, and they do like some guidance in this gift choosing - most people don’t like to be told exactly what to give, however. Like so many things in life, it’s a fine line.
I’m following up both MixieArmadillo and Aangelica by saying that we did the same thing (my first wife and I, that is… The current Mrs. Stone and I eloped thus avoiding the entire mess).
We had both been living on our own for years, and then living together for a couple of years and needed nothing. We registered at Crate and Barrel as a ‘wish list’ of whatever we wanted that we’d never buy ourselves. Then we had a talk with both sets of parents as well as our best friends and had them spread the word ‘unofficially’ that what we most wanted was cash, to help us buy our own house.
In the end, less than half the guests gave us actual gifts and we got a nice chunk of cash that we used to pay off all our debts with (we both entered the relationship with hefty debts). That allowed us to really make headway in saving for the downpayment for a house (and it would have worked if we hadn’t gotten divorced a year later).
Learning from that, I have given the same gift at every wedding I have gone to since then. A nice photo album (usually around $20 because every new couple will have tons of photos needing an album), and inside the album, I fill it with pictures of dead presidents. Every slot for photos is filled with a bill. Anywhere from $50 (all 1’s) to $250 depending on how much I want to spend on the person (from a distant cousin I rarely saw, to my best friend). I’ll spread the higher demonination bills amongst the singles, making it a suprise for them to find.
So far I’ve had nothing but good feedback on it.
As for the OP… I’d suggest doing the same thing with high denomination (but small dollar value) foreign bills.
“Look honey we got 50,000 shneckles! That must be worth a fortune. … <checking conversion rate> … Oh, it’s only $5. Well at least we got money like we asked.”
This is just odd. It’s a wedding. People are going to buy gifts. That’s just the way it works. Why not use a mechanism so that the couple gets gifts that they actually want and need and don’t get dupes? Why is this a bad thing?
I’m not suggesting that the couple be snotty about it to people who veer from the registry. I’m not suggesting that they shouldn’t be grateful for the things they get. But why not do it in a way that makes sense?
Why is the couple out of line for helping the guests pick gifts that they actually want? People are going to buy gifts anyway.
Your statement that gift registries are rude and should be ignored is simply bizarre. I’ve been to many weddings in the past couple years and the couple has always been registered somewhere. This is simply the standard practice for weddings nowadays, and that is a good thing. Registries aren’t rude.
How is it a shakedown? Nobody is being forced. Your attitude towards registries doesn’t seem to be grounded in any reality. You attitude that you will “give them whatever I feel like” is simply childish and rude.
My typical wedding gift is $100 if I go alone, or $200 if we go as a couple. This is enough to pay for our plate and then some at a typical wedding. This is the rate I pay for a wedding of a friend or distant family member. I’d pay more for a close friend or immediate family member, but no one like that has gotten married. I used to pay $50 back when I was in college and broke, though. I’m always sure to pay with a card so they know who it’s from and there’s a personal touch to it. The photo album is a great idea though.
I figure, if everybody gave $100 per person a typical wedding of 150 people would net $15,000 for the happy couple. This is just around the average cost of weddings nowadays and would make a good downpayment on a house or college savings plan.
The couple isn’t supposed to show any concern or awareness of gifts at all. Let surrogate family mem
Come on, the couple is helping themselves, not their guests. They shouldn’t try to get involved in enhancing or adjusting their own take. They’te supposed to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised by whatever they get.
I know it’s become standard practice, but I consider it to be presumptuous and rude. I’m sure I’m a voice in the wilderness on that. I just don’t think couples should let on that they expect presents, even if they do.
I like to give gifts that are more unusual or offbeat. Not standard wedding gifts. This is especially true for male friends of mine who get married. I like to get something that I know the groom will like because so much of the other stuff is for the bride or is stuff that guys don’t really care about. I’ve given stuff like game consoles, CD box sets and bags of weed. Guys appreciate stuff like that.
I take it that you didn’t ask for cash in the invitation, and only suggested the cash gift to those who inquired? I don’t think anyone is saying that suggesting cash as a gift is tacky (especially in circumstances as you describe), but asking for cash (or any gifts) in the invitation is coarse and rude.
And you are free to do so. Please read the several preceding posts where people have said that a registry in and of itself is not a demand for gifts, or an attempt to dictate what (or whether) guests must give. It is merely a guide for guests who would like to give a gift but are stumped for ideas. Heck, sometimes I’m stumped on what to give my HUSBAND for a gift.
Any bridal couple that treats the registry as a demand, or complains when people choose their own gifts instead of something from the registry, are being jackasses of the highest order. The registry isn’t the problem; the Bridezilla and Groomonster are.
I have gone both ways when giving wedding gifts. I like to give unusual things as well, but if I don’t know the people well or am not feeling creative or don’t have time to shop around for the perfect gizmo, I go to the registry. Often when using the registry, I try to pick something nontraditional if the list permits. Everyone else will think of towels and sheets; the last time I did this I went for the camping kit because Mr. S and I like to spend an evening in front of the fire and it seemed more romantic than kitchen supplies.
Re couples helping themselves and not their guests by setting up a registry (for some reason I couldn’t copy the relevant quote): Aren’t guests who were already stumped about what to give going to be more pleased knowing that the gift is genuinely desired, rather than wondering whether the couple truly liked it or quietly gave the hideous thing to Goodwill? I know I’d feel that my money was somehow wasted if I figured out that my gift wasn’t really their style and/or they didn’t honestly enjoy it, no matter how profuse their thanks.
Okay, I may be Canadian, but I’ve heard the term “dead presidents” often enough to know what it means. But this time, it just didn’t click for some reason, and I couldn’t imagine the motivation for giving a couple a nice photo albums with portraits of deceased Commanders-in-Chief. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon, so I really can’t use the “not enough coffee” excuse at this point, but I wanted to let you know that visual just made my day. “Aww, honey, look, a gorgeous photo album!” opens “Woodrow Wilson? What the hell?!”
