Best gift for wedding couple asking for $$

In My Humble Opinion
101

What started the arguement was Debaser stating unequivocally:

That particular quote rubbed me the wrong way.l Registeries are a fall back if you don’t already have something special you want to get the happy couple.

Personally, I think gift registeries are fine because, as stated previously, they’re a convenience for guests who would like to buy a gift but don’t have something in mind. And truthfully, unless I have the perfect gift in mind, I usually get a gift card at a store I know the couple likes.

102

Well, that point of view is coo-coo as well. I never heard anyone EXCEPT greedy brides and grooms insist that gifts MUST be chosen from the registry, and that to do otherwise is RUDE. :confused:

103

Sorry, this refers to Debaser’s POV, not tremorviolet’s. I’m not so good at multitasking today. :dubious:

104

A boyfriend and I attended the wedding of a couple (“Betsy” and “Daniel”) with whom we were close in college. The wedding was a huge society affair, and the boyfriend and I considered not going because we thought there would be so many people there that Betsy & Daniel would barely have time to acknowledge our existence. When we finally found them at the reception, they said, “Oh, thank God you’re here. We don’t know any of these people.”

There was a bit of a strange moment when we came into the church and were asked, “Are you friends of the bride of the groom?” “Uh . . . both.” We sat on the groom’s side because he had fewer people there.

Another wedding I attended was that of my manager’s daughter, whom I had never met. Everyone in my department received a personal formal invitation, and we went because it was the father’s day as well as the bride’s. I started crying when my manager walked his daughter down the aisle because he was so damned proud and happy.
That couple registered several places, including Home Depot, which I got a kick out of. I bought them a 50-foot garden hose.

As a guest, I appreciate gift registries.

105

If I got a photo album with pictures of presidents in it (literally photos of course), I would laugh for years. That would be absolutely hilarious! And way better than a stupid toaster!

And EarthStone777 , that is a wonderful gift (although, you should consider actual presidential photos if your friends are anything like me! :stuck_out_tongue:

106

First of all, Diogenese, if you’re the ONLY person who thinks something is rude, you’re pretty much wrong by definition, as “rude” is a societally constructed concept. It may bother you a lot, but that doesn’t make it “rude”.

Anyhow, what I almost always do is get something off the registry AND something personal. If I thought of something personal that was big and awesome enough that I felt it deserved to be a Sole Gift, I would happily give just that, and if I couldn’t think of anything personal at all, I’d happily go all registry. But it usually works out well. For instance, my friend John got married, and I got him a camping item, off his registry, and a computer game that I thought he would like.
As for the “you should only invite people who you know well enough that they ought to easily be able to pick out personalized gifts for you, and if they can’t, why are you inviting them?” school of thought, again, I have to disagree. For instance, my extended family on my dad’s side is VERY cohesive and close… I know all of my first and many of my second cousins QUITE well, as cousins go. I feel a great deal of affection towards that group, as a whole, and in specific, and will definitely invite all of them to my wedding (when and if I get married). That’s 40-odd people. Every one of those 40 people, I would hope, feels affection towards me… “oh, yes, my cousin/nephew Max who always has such fun with the little kids at the family reunions”. But how many of them know me well enough to really know what gift I would like? And this might be a case of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing… for instance, they probably know that I’m generally nerdy and into computers. But should they just go to the store and buy me random computer games and hope for the best?

107

In Hawaii, they give gigantic parties for 1-year-olds. Gigantic, as in rent-out-a-conference-room-at-the-Hilton. There are bands, clowns, magicians, and a huge spread. I told one of my friends I wasn’t going to do this for our baby as it was too expensive. They flat-out said they expect to be reimbursed by the baby gifts.

I had one card:
“Clothes and Toys we have that stash,
Madison’s growing fast, please give cash.”

Geez… and all this for a huge party the one-year-old will sleep through.

108

this is a kickass idea. would you be offended or sue me if i used it in the future? :smiley:

seriously, though, what a fun gift. WAY better than $35 for a set of DISPLAY towels. sigh

i know $35 isn’t much, but it’s $35 i sure as hell didn’t have at the time.

109

This, I like. I’m willing to donate some pre-decimal Australian coins.

110

A wedding is not about “netting” anything. That’s a very crass sentiment, sorry.

If people get money, that’s a nice thing, but it should never be expected, nor should they get all excited about how much they’ll make.

EarthStone777, now THAT is a lovely idea!

111

The difference is, you expressed your wish only to people who asked. If they asked, presumably your wishes were important to them. At that point, you gave them the honest answer to their questions.

The OP mentioned an invitation that essentially pre-empted the conversation by stating at the outset that only money was wanted. This is presumptious on the part of the bride and groom, because it indicates that they assume either (1) the guests don’t care enough to ask what the couple want/need, or (2) the couple couldn’t possibly want/need the kind of gifts the guests would give if left to their own devices.

112

Well, he isn’t alone because I agree with pretty much everything he’s said. So do Miss Manners and Emily Post.

Wedding gifts aren’t really supposed to be about what you like - they are about what you need. The non-registry answer is they call your Mom and they say “what does Max need.” And your Mom says - “Max has a king size bed and needs sheets, his room is decorated in white and navy blue.” With my big close family, they pitched in and I got a really nice Kitchenaid mixer and some other kitchen electronics none of them would have bought solo.

Now, we got some odd and wonderful gift we didn’t need - Nerf chain guns (we’ve repeated that gift for others), a few action figures, a rare Magic: The Gathering Card. And some gifts in the “we picked out something special for you not on your registry, but generic.” Bottles of wine (Brainiac4 doesn’t drink wine, but it still got used for dinner guests), photo frames, and the inevitable crystal bowl (surprisingly, they do come in handy ten years later when you need to pull a very nice flower arrangement together).

113

But I wasn’t discussing what I expect to make. I was discussing that I expect the couple to make in weddings that I attend. How is it crass for me to want to see somebody else get a downpayment for a house?

114

You busy on the 26th? We can probably squeeze you into a table in the back! :smiley:

115

I swear to Og, it’s the etiquette and social expectations part of getting married that’s making me crazy.

I don’t care a fig if I get presents at my wedding - I’m not having a wedding to get presents. However, it’s totally clear that I’m going to get presents whether or not I want or expect them.

Okey dokey. I will accept them gracefully (including the Totally Inevitable Truly Hideous Wedding Gift), send Thank You cards, and in the meantime try not to contemplate the whole matter. I don’t care if my guests use the registry or not. Heck, I don’t care if they get presents at all or not. But I can illustrate the need for a registry with an example.

I have an uncle (actually I have several, but that’s not the point). Uncle George. I’m quite fond of my Uncle George. He is quite fond of me - I’m his favorite niece/nephew. He told me so. My Uncle George will want to give me a gift for my wedding. I don’t even have to guess at this - I know my uncle. However, as fond as we are of each other, my Uncle George wouldn’t have the faintest idea what to get me. He knows I’ve been living on my own for a decade now - he’ll assume (correctly as it happens) that I will already own the vast majority of the things relating to my personal interests and hobbies that I really want. He would want to get something I’d enjoy - and something I don’t already have. He feels that when giving gifts on formal gift-giving occasions, cash is tacky. Our entire family knows his stance on this, as he has explained it at length a number of times over the years. Additionally, while he is quite fond of me, he has not even met my fiance. Therefore, he has no idea what my dearly beloved would like. It would strike him as rude to get a gift for a couple that only one half of the couple would enjoy.

I registered primarily for my Uncle George (and the friends and relatives in his position). He could call my mother and ask her searching questions until he comes up with an idea - but that would be a lot of work for him, and he’s old and quite ill. It also slaps my poor mother with the burden of trying to keep track of who is asking her what similar searching questions and what she steered them towards, as well as giving her the responsibility of knowing what we want and need. My mother doesn’t need the headache - a big part of why I registered was to spare her that headache, actually. He could call and ask me directly, but that won’t get him anywhere, as I would only respond “We have everything we need already - your presence is gift enough.” It would be rude of me to respond any other way. Plus it’s true. So he’s left (absent a registry) with taking a wild-ass stab in the dark about what he thinks we might like and hoping we don’t already have it. A registry gives him a guideline - things we don’t already own but would like or at least be interested in. Plus, it clues him in to things like the color of gifts that would go well with our currently existing decor (if it happens to matter). So if he’s moved to get us sheets (for random example), he can get sheets that match (or at least coordinate with) the bedroom stuff we have now. So he doesn’t get us pink sheets, when our comforter is forest green and our pillowcases are burgandy. Or simply so he can get us sheets that fit our bed - the size of which he has no idea about since he’s never visited our home (and neither has my mother).

So we have a registry for people like Uncle George. And also so that people who want to get us gift cards know what store(s) we patronize, so they can get us gift cards we will actually use. I had at least half a dozen people ask my mom where we shop or what stores we like. My mom has no real way to know this - she lives 5,000 miles away. This way she can say “Well, they registered at <insert store name here>.”

116

Aangelica, that’s the way it is supposed to be done. Except for one or two hold-outs, most are in agreement there. The point is that you and your fiance are not out shilling for loot - including registry notices or, much worse, suggestions for $$, in your invitations.

Now go read the thread on rehearsal dinners and bang your head against a wall about the etiquette and social expectations around that.

117

I agree. Expecting my mom to field calls from 100 people who don’t know what the hell to get me, and keep track of it all so they don’t buy duplicates, seems ten times more rude than registering. Hey, mom and dad, thanks for the rehearsal dinner, and here’s a nice fuck you in return.

118

I’m not saying registering is rude, I’m saying that calling your mom is how this is handled where there is no registry.

Registries - used properly - are great. They are misused when the bride complains when she gets something not on the registry, when the registry only has stuff on it that is too expensive for many of the guests (went to a wedding once where the cheapest thing on the registry was a $40 salad plate), or when a registry card is included in the invitation. No one invites so many people that word of mouth about where you are registered won’t accomplish what a registry card does without the appearance of shilling for gifts. (oh, wait a minute, people do…they invite friends of friends of friends, but only the rich ones so they get gifts. ) Amend that, for most reasonable weddings, the fact that they take place in several relatively small social circles (your friends, you relatives, your financee’s relatives, your coworkers, some friends of your family, etc), means the registry information is generally well known by all the guests after a few phone calls. After all, twenty years ago registry cards or information in the invitation was almost unknown, and yet people still managed to pull up your registry at Macy’s.

119

I have to ask: Which card?
[hijack]
Actually, this gives me a good idea. If one of my magic buddies ever gets married, I’ll have to make him a marriage themed deck.

Blessed Orator, Enduring Ideal, Daring Leap, Jinxed Ring…
[/hijack]

120

Indeed. What I’ve learned from the incident is that, if the occasion should ever arise where I need to tell my mom I’m engaged, the very next words out of my mouth need to be “Don’t invite anyone without asking me first.”