Best Grampa Simpson Lines

“Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!”

“And I’ll have you know I never once washed my hands! That’s your policy, not mine!”

“Seeeeex? I had seeeeex.”

“Hehehhee. eheheheheh…we are so old.”

<Dominating the camera>“DEATH STALKS YOU AT EVERY TURN.”</Dominating>

“Look, there it is! DEATH!”

Lisa: “Grampa, that’s the cat.”

Grampa: “Oh. At my age, the mind plays tricks…DEATH!”

Lisa: “That’s Maggie!”

Grampa: “DEATH!”

Lisa: “That’s the cat again!”


And of course, this classic…

“We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One
trick is to tell 'em stories that don’t go anywhere…like the
time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new
heel for my shoe, so I decided to go over to Morganville,
which was what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I
tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.
Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels
had pictures of bumblebees on them. “Give me five bees for a
quarter,” you’d say. Now where was I? Oh yeah…the
important thing was that I had an onion tied to my
belt…which was the style at the time. You could not get any
white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could
get was those big yellow ones…”

Paraphrased:

Bart: Whenever we fall asleep, we could die!
Grampa: WELCOME TO MY WORLD!! ::snooze::

Abe: We’ve got to kill the boy (i.e., Bart).

Someone: He’s a vampire!

Abe: Wha …? He’s a vampire???

something like: “Marge, the lamp is escaping.”
If someone can remember some of his wartime or olden days stories that defy logic, that would be great.

Grampa: My Homer is not a Communist… he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist… but he is not a porn star!

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I’d like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me.

[Homer remembers his own first day, where Abraham was kneeling down to have a talk with him.]

Abe: Homer, you’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!

[Homer re-awakens from his mind wanderings.]

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood!

Marge: Well, Grandpa, as long as you’re here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.

Abe: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin’ a dance called the “Funky Grandpa”! [sings] Oh…I’m…the…[falls asleep standing up]

Marge: And so, just as things looked their worst…

Abe: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!

Marge: Grandpa, what are you talking about?

Abe: Ohh…nothing.

Maaaaaatttloooooock

Abe: This is the Wright Brothers’ plane. In 1903, Charles Lindberg flew it 50 miles on a thimblefull of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, he did.

Bart: Wow, Grandpa. How do you know so much about history?

Abe: I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.


“It all happened in nineteen dickety-six. I say “dickety” because the kaiser had stolen our word “twenty.” I chased after him, but I lost him after dickety-two miles.”

Homer (while comforting Lisa) tells Lisa that she’s as pretty as a chimp. Lisa comments that he has to say that because he’s her father.

Abe walks by.

Homer: Dad? Am I as cute as a chimp?

Abe: No! You’re uglier than a monkey’s butt!

First Homer was smart as a monkey, then he became dumb as a chimp.

Call me mint jelly cause I’m on the lam

Knocking on the front door of the Simpson household

Hello.

HELLO!

You have my pills!

I’m cold and there are wolves after me.

You left out the best part:

Martin: "Dickety? Highly dubious! [laughs.]
Grandpa: “Quit your cackling, fatty! Too much pie, that’s your problem!”

“I used to be full of piss and vinegar. Now it’s mostly vinegar.”

You missed the two best.

I’m a stonecutter, (reading the list of cards in his wallet.) I’m a stonecutter, I’m a mason, an elk and for some reason I’m presdient of the gay and lesbian association.

I used to be with it. Then one day I woke up and found out they changed what it was. Now what I was with, was no longer it. And what was it, seemed weird and scary to me. And it will happen to you too

"Three wars back we called Sauerkraut “liberty cabbage” and we called liberty cabbage “super slaw” and back then a suitcase was known as a “Swedish lunch box.” Of course, nobody knew that but me. Anyway, long story short… is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling… "

“I can’t wait to eat that monkey.”

(to Bart’s class after they’ve been impressed by Nelson’s grandfather, the judge)

“I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like
Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!”

Something like:

“To whom it may concern, there are too many states. Please eliminate three.”

(after being knocked off a bicycle, flying through the air, and landing in an open grave [which, come to think of it, is pretty good all by itself])

“Hey, this isn’t so bad.”