Best Insults

Inspired by this thread,
I’m curious as to what the most hurtful, or hilarious insults you’ve heard are.

I’m not sure if anyone ever said this to me, but one of the worst I can think of is this:
“If I had a dog that was as ugly as you are, I’d shave it’s ass bald and teach it to walk backwards.”
It shouldn’t even be all that bad. So the person isn’t a beauty queen (or king); that isn’t the end of the world. I think the worst insults are not ones that refer to a particular bad quality (looks, B.O., or whatever), but rather, more vague, general ones, that refer to a person’s overall lack of quality, unloveabilty, and so forth.
I hate to think about the number of insults I’ve dished out, as well as the number I’ve had to take. In my case, I was much better at the former, and particularly bad at the latter. I still owe some people apologies.
Sorry for getting so serious.

Being a large kid, always got plenty of fat jokes, and you’re momma is so fat jokes.

One still makes me laugh though:
You’re momma is so fat when she sits on a quarter a booger pops out George Washington’s nose…

“Your the reason people have abortions” is pretty hard hitting.
“The fact that you exist digusts me” is another one that’ll shut someone up.
However one of the most effective ones I’ve found is simply “Your face.” They insult you, you say “your face!” then they look confused insult you further, you say “Your face!” and so on. Any more encounters should happen this same way. Eventually they will get so tired of hearing “Your face!” they’ll give up. So far for me it has a 100% success rate.

“You’re a worthless waste of skin and hair.”

“Sniff my socks, you clanger!”

And quoting 'ol Will, “signifying nothing!” (with a dismissive wave of the hand.)

Apparently, in the mid-1920s, one of the army hill stations on the North-West Frontier India (now Pakistan) had a very peppery commanding officer who disapproved of his junior lieutenants taking their leave in the cities, chasing women; he preferred them to go out hunting in the hills or suchlike. One young officer, from a wealthy family, ignored the CO’s wishes, and spent his leaves partying in Peshawar.

When the Lieutenant’s review came due, the only comment the CO wrote was, “This officer dances beautifully.”

“it is my conjecture that your mother is no stranger to the embraces of barnyard and domestic animals”

“Your genitals resemble moldy spinach”

“You’re the load your mother should have swallowed”

“You are a waste of carbon. … You’d be doing the world a far greater service if you were fossil fuel”

Your teeth are so crooked that you can kiss your mother and comb her mustache all at the same time.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

I may be fat, but your ugly, and I can diet.

Two that I’ve actually said:

“The only difference between your funeral and mine, is that mine will feature crying onlookers!”

“The only reason that I won’t piss on your grave is that I hate standing in line!”

Old Star Trek insult - “Ugly bag of mostly water”

And I like “You’re a poster child for Nuclear War.”

Some of my favs
What are you, the poster child for birth control?
I refuse to have a battle of wits with a half-armed man
I may be fat, but you are an idiot, and I can diet.
You are natures poor atempt to fill a vacuum.

You suffer from delusions of significance.

Did your mother wipe after she sh*t you out?

I’m sorry, were you talking?

Favorite insult name: Shit for Brains

Favorite insult for a soldier: Waste of Tax Dollars

Favorite fat joke: She’s so fat, after she has sex, he smokes a TURKEY!

Didn’t opal have a page dedicated to burns collected from the boards?

Good insults involve finding some deficit in a persons personality/past/present, and rubbing it in their face in a social setting where status is important.

For some reason, i’m supposedly really good at finding people’s inner faults and rubbing them in (so i’m told), don’t know why. I never do it intentionally.

once a woman named all the things she found attractive in men, and what her perfect man was, so i retorted ‘yeah, but your fat so what you want doesn’t matter, you have to pick from among the leftovers’, as a joke, mind you (she took it pretty well). Things like that, rub people’s fault in. Its a personal act for different people, there is no universal insult.

That she did, and does. The Page O’ Flames