Best of The Onion

[Iacob_Matthew]

Ant Farm Teaches children about toil, death.

Warning: read only in a bright, cheery room with quick access to a cute doggy to play with.

[jsc1953]

One of my favorites, but I can’t find it…the tone of the article was about how scientists predict something so incredibly awful and dreadful (but also left very vague) is about to happen that they recommend that everyone just give up, spend time with their loved ones, kill themselves…etc. All of my searches come up empty.

[Larry_Borgia]

@jsc1953

One of my favorites, but I can’t find it…the tone of the article was about how scientists predict something so incredibly awful and dreadful (but also left very vague) is about to happen that they recommend that everyone just give up, spend time with their loved ones, kill themselves…etc. All of my searches come up empty.

This one?

[jsc1953]

Thats the one!

[Shagnasty]

@Intergalactic_Gladiator

Another one of my favorites:

The Onion | America's Finest News Source.

That one kills me even though I am not from the war-torn Middle West. I liked this paragraph in particular:

“Unless Illinois pulls out of the Plaza Strip, the violence will only escalate,” a press statement from the militant group read. “Illinoisans have shopped in the Plaza Strip territory for dozens of years, attracted to the lower sales tax here in Iowa. Meanwhile, they have driven countless Iowans from their rightful shopping grounds with their loud, rude, pushy, obnoxious ways. From now on, Illinoisans are not permitted in the Plaza Strip.”

[Gomi5]

South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year

“Yes, sir. The South will rise again, and when it does, I’ll be right up front waving the Stars and Bars,” said Dock Mullins of Decatur, GA. “But first, I gotta get my truck fixed and get that rusty old stove out of my yard.”

[Guinastasia]

@gaffa

One of the most brilliant pieces of satire ever written - Jonathan Swift would have been proud to have written it.

And I have to third or fourth the post September 11 issue. Like most Americans, I was still in a bit of a daze, wondering, like Jon Stewart, if anything would ever be funny again. The Onion came through in spades. The report from the Outer Darkness on the hijackers reception in Hell expressed every hope the little Sunday School attending boy inside of me retained. Almost as good was the “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”:
*
“I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m fucking serious!” *

I’m curious if any Muslim Dopers can confirm the Onion’s description of the Islamic concept of eternal damnation?

Other, non-September 11 favorites:

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs
‘Oh, Shit,’ Says Humanity

Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers

I read the latter out loud to my wife and we were both laughing so hard it hurt. I don’t normally like bathroom humor, but the contrast of the straight-ahead reporting with ridiculous content is classic Onion.

*Minton said a more convenient form of the active ingredients in dog urine will likely one day be synthesized for an over-the-counter medication, but he stressed that such a breakthrough is at least 10 to 15 years down the road.

“For now, you need a dog—excuse me a moment,” said Minton, doubling over and inhaling sharply. “And a bucket.” *

Damn you, you bastard – you stole some of my favorites!!!
(IIRC, we had a thread here about “Possible Onion headlines” right after the attacks, and some of them were eeriily close.)

Okay, some of mine:

My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch

Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker

'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch

Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn’t Kill Anyone

God Makes Surprise Visit to Local Church

Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window

Head Lice Going Around Senate

Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

Man With Complete Mama’s Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes

Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude
(They used to make it easier to find older articles – now? Not so much.)

[Yorikke]

@Joe Frickin Friday

Some of their frontpage article titles (with no article at all, sometimes with a small picture) are the funniest things ever.

J

My favorite stuff is from these:

Ebert Victorious

Ringo Next

And many more I can’t think of…

Joe

[Yorikke]

@sandra_nz

Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

Forever my favourite, mostly because it came true.

Hahahaha! I make that joke all the time - what the fuck is next, 14 blades, a lubricating strip, and a suction vacuum to pull away the loose hair?

Joe

[Yorikke]

@Gomi5

South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year

Lord willin’ and the crick don’t rise…

Joe

[thirdname]

@wheresgeorge04

Hahahaha! I make that joke all the time - what the fuck is next, 14 blades, a lubricating strip, and a suction vacuum to pull away the loose hair?

Behold the Spishak Mach 20.

[gaffa]

@Guinastasia

Damn you, you bastard – you stole some of my favorites!!!

Mwahahaha!!!

Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker

That one is so, so true. The Wendy’s near me employs a kid with Downs syndrome, and he is very definitely the most competent and cheerful employee they have.

[vd]

From News In Photos. (Geez, that’s 8 years old?)

[GameHat]

Two pages of replies, and nobody has mentioned the genius of Kelly? Here’s just a few that I enjoyed.

On Walter Reed

On the Pope’s Visit to Turkey

On Rumsfeld’s Exit

I have to admit, I was completely suckered by the Kelly cartoons when The Onion started running them. I figured The Onion was running the cartoons by a hack right-wing jerk just to mess with its readers.

I think I made it all the way to the Rumsfeld one before it hit me that this was satire, and genius satire at that.

[Guinastasia]

Some more old favorites:

U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi Suspected of Making the Country Up

The First Wife’s Club Had Divorced Women In It

Clinton Announces New ‘No Walkman’ Rule for Congress

Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal

Necrophiliac’s Prison Release Sparks Outrage Among Area Corpses

Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates! (especially for the last line!)

Today’s Women Don’t Like It When You Come To Them As A Bull Or Swan

Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

I’ll Smoke Anything

I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor

Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue

ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod

New favorite:
Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing

[Oslo_Ostragoth]

I hate you people.

Having spent over two hours on the Onion website, I hereby nominate In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

LOL - Firefox’s spellchecker doesn’t like “skank”.

[Oslo_Ostragoth]

Gotta add this. (Description NSFW, but trust me, it’s worth a view.)

[control-z]

I found this one recently, it’s like a vision of what the world would be like if horror movies were real: Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don’t Make It Through The Night

[Shagnasty]

@control-z

I found this one recently, it’s like a vision of what the world would be like if horror movies were real: Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don’t Make It Through The Night

That one is brilliant and so true at least according to the mind of kids.

[Beadalin]

This one has cracked me up for years:
Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett
(I like to tell people that they’re a awesome rock star.)

And another classic:
I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion!