At a Halloween party, a friend and her husband were dressed up as a gangster and his moll - in drag. Her husband is a big guy and had somehow managed to find a dress that held him and two very large balloons which did a very poor job of looking like boobage.
As the party was winding down, he came out to the kitchen to take the balloons out of the dress, but he’d had a little bit much to drink and wasn’t handling the buttons very well. So he took the bread knife and stabbed them - POW! POW!
All I said was, “Oh, man, I hate when that happens.”
I was one of the karaoke DJs at a local bar, the other DJ was named Jesse and he was dating a waitress there. Time after time people would sing ‘Jesse’s Girl’, where the main corus line is “I wish that I had Jesse’s girl!”
They were both there when a patron was done with the song and I said over the mic, “Who hasn’t had Jesse’s girl?”
This happened at my wedding (shame on me). My (now) wife and I were exchanging rings. When she went to put the ring on my finger I must have gained some weight since the fitting because it was very tight and she could only just barely jam it on. She said “it’ll never come off!” to which I replied “but you don’t WANT it to come off!”. Much amusement on the part of our guests. As my wife later remarked “there was absolutely nothing I could say to that”.
Went to a showing of Army of Darkness that was plagued by technical difficulties. They were showing the movie from its DVD, and having no end of trouble getting the audio part of the show correct. Over the 10 minutes or so this was being worked on, various other people had piped up with suggestions for what menu to try and what button to push on the remote, someone shouted out in defense of the staff “They know what they’re doing!”
I replied, “Did you just get here?”
It went over real good.
The story I came in here to tell, though, was great, because I not only knocked it down, but I set it up, too. This kind of audience participation doesn’t grow on trees:
Scene: the bus on the way home from middle school. Characters: me, a girl, various other kids. Situation: various other kids and the girl are discussing having babies.
Me (flat affect): I can’t have babies.
Girl (seriously affected by this enormous sharing of a personal tragedy): What?! Why?!
Me (unbelieving that this worked): Because I’m a boy.
Ok, wasn’t going to tell this, but since someone brought up babies…
My wife had a hell of a long labor with our first. After five hours of pushing, she gave a hearty “Uff da!” To which the OB/GYN, a tough woman from the Bronx, replied “What the hell is that?” “Oh, it’s like Oy Vay”, came the explanation from the all-female all-midwestern nursing staff. This started an afternoon of joking around, which I tried hard not to join in on…
But then the mother-hopefully-soon-to-be (who had earlier eschewed a spinal tap) said “Is it too late to try something else?” I sensitively came close, and stroked her hand…
I very slightly remember one in one of our many Trek Doper threads about someone or whatever being beside himself or something. Maybe it was by Tars Tarkas, Kn(*)ckers, Aesiron, or maybe Wearia.
I’m the husband in this anecdote. But then I’m always the husband.
At our wedding reception, the DJ approached our groom/bride table with the mic in hand saying, “Now, the bride and groom have a few words they’d like to say.” We were going to thank her parents for paying for the reception and tell everyone to have a great time. As the DJ is walking up and talking on the mic, he narrated his confusion, “Oh, but I don’t know who’s going to be speaking…”
I reach for the mic and give a couple quick assuring nods, and address the ballroom:
“I’ll be doing the speaking for both of us from now on.”
The only way I’ll ever get as big of a laugh from a room that size is if I become a *very *successful stand up comic.
This is an instance when I was the straight man, but the reply was so good I have to repeat it. Many years ago when I was in college a group of us were discussing the hot topic of the day, above ground testing of nuclear weapons by the United States and the Soviet Union and the resulting danger of fallout. George walked by at this point and I said to him “What do you recommend for fallout?” And without missing a beat he said “Put it back in and shorten the stroke.”
We were on a long drive (15 hrs) from college down to spring break. It was about 4am, about 2/3 through the drive, and we had just stopped at a rest stop, gotten some vending machine food, and started moving again. My friend was driving, I was riding shotgun. He had left his prepackaged honey bun on the dash on my side.
He said, “Can you hand me that honey bun?”
I said, “Sure thing, sweetie pie.”
Hilarity ensued. The people sleeping in the backseat shot us annoyed glances.
While working at a fast-food restaurant during a lunch rush. The last of a 2-hour stream of cars had just left the drive-thru. Chrissy was working the register; I was at the grill.
Chrissy: I have had it! AWB: Oh? How many times?
====================================================== Co-workers and I were discussing a particularly bad kids movie. Jane entered the conversation late, not hearing the plot of the movie:
Jane: What’s the movie about? AWB: About 90 minutes.
====================================================== The first year of fatherhood, getting a little tired of people asking how old my darling daughter CRB is:
Well-wishing church lady: CRB is so cute! How old is she? AWB: Zero.
While in a “friendly argument” with a creationist:
Creationist guy spews out a lengthy diatribe covering everything from Flood Geology to radiometric dating to irreducible complexity. I started my response; “Well, you have a surprisingly extensive vocabulary… all things considered.”
Back in the early 80s, I went to lunch with three co-workers, one of whom was very tiny (about 4 ft. 6). When the bill came, we all chipped in some money. The leader of our group counted the money, looked at the bill and said, “Someone’s a little short.” I think you can probably fgure out what I said at that point.
It’s at the end of my brother’s wedding reception, people are cleaning up and making sure other people get home. My brother and his new father-in-law, who are really good friends and have spent the evening punishing their respective livers, are joking around. At one point, my brother jumps up onto a table, and yells "Oh yeah? Well tonight I’m sleeping with your daughter!’ and I step up and say ‘Hey, I don’t know who you think you are, but you have to wait in line with the rest of us.’ I earned that smack upside the head.
