Doesn’t it suck when some unsuspecting fop throws a straight line out there for ya and you have to just let it go? meanwhile, your head is racing with fifteen responses? Let us list them here, shall we, and wallow in the sadness of straight lines past:
My sister, at family wedding, was complaining of a sore throat and uttered the words:
“What I need is something warm and salty, right on the back of my throat.”
I had to walk away from the table.
Damn I have to bite my tongue at least 20 times a day, but my memory is failing me at the moment.
There was this time that a bunch of my friends were at the Cactus Club a while ago. The 12 of us were split up into two tables, and my friend Brian went over to my table. He told us that our friend Sean had just uttered the most inexplicable line ever: “This Caesar salad’s so good, it’s giving me an orgasm!” :eek: If another one of my friends had been there, he undoubtedly would have replied with something like: “And just how would it be giving you an orgasm? Don’t describe it, as we certainly don’t want to know! But think about it for a while, hmm?”
No wonder the people at that table immediately cleared the table! One friend was lucky, because he was in the bathroom at the time this immortal line was uttered. Way to clear the table, Sean! :rolleyes:
i said one of these lines the other day. i have a habit of speaking before i think.
i went rock climbing one night, and banged my knee. the next day i talked to a classmate about it.
“I had alot of fun last night, but know my knees hurt”
Why bother leaving them alone? My boss of awhile back had just spent about 45 minutes explaining to me that I was goofing around too much at work. He explained how there was a time for seriousness and professionalism. His talk went on so long it made him late, so in a rush, on his way out the door, he turned and asked me “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”
He didn’t appreciate my response, but that was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. No way I was passing that up.
change know to now
Why bother leaving them alone? Because I don’t feel comfortable suggesting a blow job to my younger sister while my mother and grandma are sitting right there.
hmmm, I think you may be on to something.
Wait…what if you…nope, that’s no good either.
Aha! I got it!..shit…I lost it.
OK, you win. That one was best left alone.
I was having a “getting to know you” dinner at a girlfriend’s parent’s house one evening. In the front driveway her little brother was zipping around in his rollerblades, bouncing tennis balls against the garage door with a hocky stick. He was also sort of playing ‘keep-away’ from their bulldog who loved to chase the zipping tennis balls around.
About an hour into the visit little brother sulks in and exclaims “Bloody dog went and chewed up my balls!!”.
I blinked twice, thought about possible repercussions, and kept my mouth shut.
New job. New faces. Pseudo-management. Trying to let them know that I am not a total ladder climbing uber-mgt plugg.
[geek]someone wants to swap games from my palm pilot to hers[/geek] But I am conscious of the fact that my toy has more memory than most folks.
and I say,
I don’t think you could take all that I’ve got.
and then I went and hid behind a cubicle wall for about 10 minutes.
This was 20 years ago, when I was a part-time stock boy at a discount store.
Right in front of the toothpaste shelves, I saw a teenage girl and her mother arguing over which toothpaste to buy. I SWEAR, their words came straight out of a cliched toothpaste commercial!
Mother: You need to get Colgate. It has fluoride.
Girl: But Mom, I need Close-up for fresh breath.
It took most of my self-control not to burst out laughing… and ALL of my self-control not to break in with,
“Ladiiiies… new Aqua-fresh has fluoride AND a special breath freshening ingredient!”
(in my best Chevy Chase voice, of course).
I know I’ve got a lot, but I can only think of one at the moment. The wife of the company’s owner was visiting and I was selected to give her a plant tour. Now under other other circumstances, she should get the benefit of the doubt for being a bit clueless, but 1) she was technically an employee for some obscure political reasons, and 2) while she was generally nice to me, she was as cruel as the day is long to most other employees.
Upon visiting one of the buildings laboratories, she noted the ubiquitous periodic table of elements on the wall and commented, “Is that a list of materials these guys use here?”
I would have liked to point out that “yes, it is indeed a list of materials that everyone uses on our planet of origin,” or that her head was filled with #8 from the chart, but instead I just smiled and called it a ‘periodic table.’ At this she nodded her head with a quizzical smile and we moved on.
There was the time in junior high school when two girls and I were sent to the assistant principal’s office for goofing around in class. One of the girls, Sharon, had started it, and the asst prince looked at her and I swear he said, “Well, you really pulled a boner this time.”
I said nothing.
Cheryl said nothing.
Sharon snickered.
Then I fell apart.
He literally tore my sweater hauling me out of his office toward the detention room while I laughed my ass off.
You can’t say “boner” in front of a teenage guy with two girls in the room and expect nothing to happen.
i must share this. scene: fancy dinner party, four couples.
one woman, very proper: my grandmother is so weird. she shaves her cat, because it has fleas.
me, without thinking: well, i guess that’s better than shaving her pussy.
table: utter silence.
me, thinking: clap my hands over my mouth, thinking ‘oh my god, that was my out loud voice!’
wife: looks daggers at me, pitilessly savages my leg with her pointy high heel shoe under the table.
how embaraskin’…
I don’t get it.
I once read a woman asking advice on how to really show her husband she appreciated him.
It took every single ounce of self-control not to write back:
“Swallow.”
“How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”
“Practice.”
-Andrew L
O to the M to the G…
I was doing second-level tech support as a full-time job after having done 2 semesters of co-op. There was a new guy at work and I was showing him around. He was on the floor checking the network cable under a desk when I blurted out. “I was under A LOT of desks when I was a co-op student.”
And the sad thing was, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if the new guy hadn’t reluctantly said, “uh, that didn’t sound very good.”
I died a thousand deaths.
Not in real life but in a debate on another board concerning homosexuality and Christianity (any guesses which board?), Polycarp made a reference to the Kinsey scale.
One of the posters there then asked
“Is it fixed for life, or do people slide up and down it throughout their life?”
It was all I could do not to post something that might have gotten me banned.
A while back I was a floating secretary, filling in for secretaries in various departments who were on vacation, on maternity leave, etc. For about three months, I worked in Dermatology on the 5th floor of the building. After that, I went to Dental Specialities, on the 4th floor. The break room on the 5th floor was closed because of some renovation, so the people who worked on 5 would often use the 4th floor break room.
One day, soon after I moved from Derm to Dental, I ran into a physician’s assistant from Derm in the break room. I walked with him to the stairwell, as I was going down to the first floor, he was going back up to 5. He must not have noticed that I was no longer working on 5, because he said, “going up?” so I replied, “nope, I’m going down!”
Then he says, “oh my…” Whoops. I swear I didn’t mean it like that…