Several years ago, my wife and I went in on a garage sale with another couple at their house. This was back in the day when garage sales actually happened in the garage.
It was late in the day and no one had been by for a while. So, the wife part of the other couple said: “Should we close the door now?” at the same time a family pulled up and started getting out of the car.
So, I said: “No, wait until they get a little closer.”
Maybe you had to be there.
Back on Rosh Hashana, my family and I were at my parents’ house for the holiday, and my sister mentions the oft-repeated myth that the giraffe is a kosher animal (that’s true, it’s the next part that’s false) but we don’t eat giraffe meat because we don’t know where on the long neck to slaughter it according to Jewish law. I told her that that’s a myth, and the long neck does not create a problem. So she delivered the straight line: “Okay, so where do you slaughter a giraffe?”
To which my father and I simulaneously answered: “Africa.”
My bride knocks 'em out of the park like a Major Leaguer! Examples [post=11617358]here[/post].
And I’ll add another one. We were in a cutesy phase early in our relationship, and were talking about what to name our hypothetical children.
“What about Moshe?” Mama Zappa asked.
“No son of mine will be named Moshe!”
Her instantaneous response was “Not a son - a daughter. Moshe Diane”
:smack: 
One of my facebook friends recently got a tattoo of Kanye West’s face on her thigh. Several of us were gawking at the photo when one of my friends said “Oh God! It’s colored!”
I immediately replied “Actually, the preferred term is ‘African-American’”
Working at a pizza place, and business was slow. We were in the back talking, when a black lady came in, so I went to help her. She asked if we sold individual slices and I told her that we didn’t. She left the store, and I walked back to the back. The kid that was the manager at the time asked me what she asked for. With a straight face I said “She asked if we sold pizzas. And I said ‘Not to niggers, we don’t.’” The way his face went slack, I knew that I had him for about half a second.
I worked with a young black kid who was kind of naive. We were all talking about bigotry when he came out with, “You know, black people can be bigoted, too”. (nooo, really?)
I said, “Yeah, I hate bigots! Especially black bigots!!” You should have seen his face.
Another time a bunch of us decided to hang out after work and drink some beer. One girl was real paranoid that the boss might drive by and wanted to check if he was at home by calling him on some pretext. She had already dialed when she told us, “Be very quiet.”
I followed immediately with, “I’m hunting wabbits” in my best Elmer Fudd.
Everybody cracked up and she had to hang up the phone quickly. After that every time she went to pick up the phone someone would quote the Fudd and get us all going again so that she never could make her call.
I was working as an editor in an Asian office, and one of the writers was trying to tell me he wanted his paragraphs indented a few more spaces, but he couldn’t come up with the term – so he just pointed at the head of the paragraph and asked me if I could “put it in a little more.”
With a smug look on my face: “You know, between you and my girlfriend, that’s all I ever hear.” I actually sauntered away a few steps before a look of horror came over his face and he exclaimed, “oh my God!”
I used to run a small (very small) movie theater where when you bought your ticket it was immediately ripped in half (because there was no budget for a ticket taker.) At one point someone bought tickets well in advance, I ripped them and said “just bring the rest back when we open for the next show.”
About an hour later he appeared with his date saying “Do you want to see my stub?” To which I replied “Are you sexually harassing me*?” The best was his date LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.
*Yeah. Paying customers were not a priority above jokes. God I miss that job.
High School English Class:
We were watching “Psycho” over the course of a couple of weeks and, near the beginning of the movie, we got a little trivia sheet that included things like “Psycho was the first movie to show a toilet flush on screen” and “Censors initially rejected the movie because they thought they saw a nipple in the shower scene. Hitchcock sent back the film unedited and they approved it”.
When it came time to analyze the infamous shower scene, we went over it several times and, during one of the rewatchings, the teacher paused it and goes “OK, so what are we seeing here”. I gleefully shout out “The nipple shot!” and the entire room starts gasping in laughter for a solid 5 minutes.
I had been working in Brussels for about a month when there was a lunch with local management.
A distinguished older lady asked me, in that polite old-world way, “How did you find Brussels?” (Translation: Do you like Brussels?)
I couldn’t resist, “Well, I took a left at Antwerp and there it was!”
Americans, how droll… {{{shudder}}}
I have had a part-time job as a weekend taxi driver. We used the Nextel Direct-connect phones for communicating with dispatch and each other, and the phones are all numbered on the back. Dispatcher documents who has each phone so any damage can be traced back to who is responsible for it. I was Driver 15 and this particular day I had phone 5.
Dispatcher asks over the phone, “15, what number is on your phone?”
I said, “All of them.”
When I have more time I definitely have to read this whole thread. But for now…
A few years back I was talking with my father-in-law about cars. Specifically we were discussing the PT Cruiser, and admiring how it looks. He mentioned that is has some really nice features, and “it costs less than twenty thousand dollars.”
I replied, “That’s great, I have less than twenty thousand dollars.”
He still talks about it to this day.
My gf made a leg-o-lamb on the grill this past Sunday. When we bought it at our local grocery store, she asked the guy in the meat department to butterfly it.
He asked her, “Do you want the bone?”
Before she could reply, I said, “I think he’s hitting on you!”:eek:
It took a second for my gf and the meat guy to realize what was going on, then we all had a good laugh.
My dad, his girlfriend, my son, my fiancee and I went to an Italian Restaraunt known for its huge portions.
Dad ordered spaghetti with meatballs.
The server dropped off the plate of spaghetti, and went back to the kitchen for the meatballs. We proceeded to eat what was there.
When the server returned and set the plate of meatballs down, my Dad’s girlfriend exclaimed, “Honey, your balls are so big!”
To which I said, “Thank God it’s genetic!”
My fiancee spit marinara sauce all over the table…
My (now ex) Girlfriend: I used to stop at the Dunkin Donuts and park in the lot next door to drink my coffee and read the paper. Now other people are doing it, too.
Me: That’s horrible.
Her: I know.
Me: No, I mean your story.
My mother was on the older side (39 yrs old) when I was born. Her hair was prematurely gray and she had also experienced several medical issues which aged her face prematurely. One day, as she was shopping in the supermarket with me in tow, a lady came up to her and remark what a handsome grandson she had.
My mother, obviously miffed at being called a grandmother, remarked, he is not my grandson, he is my kid brother.
I had the good fortune to get paid for doing a field survey for bald eagles once. The guy I was with spotted some tiny spot in the sky, way far away, through his binoculars and was trying to determine what it was. He was just sort of thinking aloud as he said “It’s a bird…no, it’s a plane.” Naturally there is and ever shall be only one proper response to this statement, which I was happy to provide.
A few months ago, I was at lunch at a food court with a few co-workers.
Someone got fish & chips, and this one girl in our group asked what kind of fish it was.
“Scrod”, he replied.
“What’s scrod?”, she asked.
I piped in for the explanation: “If you ever order fish & chips expecting to get haddock or cod, but get something else instead, then you got scrod.”
What amazed me is that I thought up the pun on the spot.
I utterly ruined a perfectly good set-up this past weekend.
Family all gathered together here for the holiday, and during a lull in the conversation my dear mother walks into the room and asks “Do rabbits come in your yard?”
I started out with “Only if…” and then started laughing so hard I couldn’t even finish my sentence. It was smart-ass overload, so many replies crowding my brain at once I simply couldn’t choose one.
It got even funnier as everyone else in the room supplied their own version of what they thought I was going to say and either gasped, laughed or yelled at me.
I know I’ve posted this before.
I was at physical therapy and during my session, one of the other therapists had just finished her last patient and was going to leave early for the weekend. She was so excited to be leaving so early that she started dancing around and generally being all silly. I piped right up and said, “That was great. Now give me 3 sets of 20”. The whole room erupted.