…Okay, here’s the deal. Last year, I was booked in Atlanta over Thanksgiving, so I wasn’t able to get home for the holiday. This year, I’ve decided that I’m going to take that time and go to Malibu. I have a friend that just moved there from Tampa, and I’m gonna go see how she’s doing. Last year, she lost both her baby sister and her father in two separate car crashes, and she was seriously injured in one, herself. I’m gonna be flying to Tampa, and hooking up with a friend of hers, and we’re flying to Malibu together. Anyway, I’ve never really been one for family get-togethers and the like, but my mother’s a big family kind of person. And I know she’s gonna mention how I wasn’t at my father’s Thanksgiving last year, and he died a few months later. So how can I break the news to her that I’m not going to be here? Any ideas?
Tell her now, before she starts making plans. Tell her you’ll be there for Xmas. Maybe plan on spending a little extra time, more than you normall would, over the Xmas holiday.
Tell her why you’re going and where. After she gets over the Mother Angst, she’ll realize you’re doing a good thing.
Whatta guy! 
Sometimes a letter is best - it gives you the chance to fully explain yourself without being interrupted. You can explain the circumstances surrounding your friend and reassure her that your not being present at Thanksgiving is not a slight to her, but that this year there are different priorities. Not many people write letters these days and she might appreciate the fact that you took time to sit down and write out for her why you’re not going to be there - it shows that you care how she feels about it. You can address the issue of your not being present last year without the possibly upset that might be caused if you tell her directly.
Follow up the letter with a call, tell her you love her, and don’t feel guilty.
Fran
How often do you visit your mother? If you see her fairly regular than I’d just call her and give the story about your friend and how much the friend has lost over the last year or so, then I’d tell her that you are going to visit over Thanksgiving and that you’ll be with your mom at Christmas.
Then again, Thanksgiving and Christmas are tradional American family holidays. You can’t arrange another time to go? It’s a hard call. My mom passed away three years ago so I don’t have that kind of choice to make again. If I did I’d spend every holiday I could with her. But, again, it depends on how close you are to your family. If you don’t miss them when you don’t go for the gatherings, then I’d say that you are better off and so are they if you don’t attend. You just make yourself miserable and the family, too.
It will all be easier to understand when or if you have a family of your own. Not being much on family gatherings though, you may want to skip having kids since they usually bring the thought of family gatherings to mind.
Tough choice but sounds like you’ve already made it.
IIRC, you see your mother fairly often, don’t you? Isn’t she just across the river? Pulling the “You missed Thanksgiving last year and then your father died this spring” is a cheap shot. It’s not like you never saw him, you just weren’t at dinner with him on one specific day. That sort of crap pisses me off.
Sorry, I don’t mean to sound mean, but, well, I’ve begun non-observance of holidays in the last few years and I tell my parents simply that I’d prefer to travel and do things/see people that I’d normally not be able to. I see them regularly enough that missing a glorified dinner is not that big of a deal. I do drop in, though, from time to time and spend time with them when I can.
Refusing to be controlled by dates on a calendar,
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Your mother should be proud to have a child that is so caring and considerate of others. Your friend’s loss is more than likely still with her (especially around the holidays). That you will show up with yet another friend in tow will probably mean the world to her.
Don’t even hesitate, this is what true friendships are made of. Any good family member will understand.