Best way to deal with the silent treatment?

[R3d_Anonymous]

Wait, and that was for not saying “thank you”, or not hearing it.

That idiot has serious butthurt syndrome. I hate people like that - who make such big deals out of stupid things.

[epbrown01]

@Cat_Whisperer

I admit that I do a version of the silent treatment - when I’m so pissed off I can’t talk to my husband or even look at him, I need to retreat into my cave and stew for a while, and he is not welcome there. I always come around in an hour or two. The best way for him to deal with that? Just leave me alone until I can talk about what’s bugging me.

This. I see the silent treatment as someone holding off until they can communicate effectively, so I wait until the person is ready to talk. That’s much better than a shouting match. One ex of mine was really bad, though. She’d withdraw into silence, but when she started to talk again she would never discuss what upset her - she’d do this fake cheerful nothing’s wrong act and I was supposed to pretend I hadn’t noticed. I especially wasn’t supposed to mention this was how her mother dealt with problems.

[R3d_Anonymous]

Also, I am not referring to explained self-timeouts, just so you know. Those are actually very useful. Everyone needs a dosage of solitude.

[InternetLegend]

Neither my husband nor I can maintain a “silent treatment” for longer than it takes to cool off, even if we wanted to, so I have no idea how I’d deal with it from him, aside from inviting him to talk about it.

For the other instances, I’m in the “enjoy it” camp. It’s simple to just carry on as if no one is trying to punish me, since I usually consider not being talked to as heavenly. I think I’ve had two co-workers give me the silent treatment on separate occasions, but it wore off after a few days in both instances.

[The_Second_Stone]

@Shagnasty

I just try to enjoy it while it lasts.

+9

[Doggo]

@sahirrnee

+1

+2

Oops, I see I’m now #10, LOL.

[eulalia]

@kittenblue

I can’t relate the best way to handle it, because the one time it happened to me I didn’t deal with it very well, and it was a precursor to the end of my marriage, but I didn’t know that at the time.

My husband started giving me the silent treatment, and doing that wonderfully mature thing of talking to me through the kids: “tell your mother this that or the other”. I would speak to him directly, but he refused to speak to me at all, and of course wouldn’t tell me or them what I had done. It was very embarrassing when he continued this behavior even in front of my brother. But I wasn’t going to protect him. I flat out told my brother, with my husband sitting right there, “Bob hasn’t been speaking to me for the last week, but refuses to say why”. My brother hates any kind of embarrassing turmoil like that and was very uncomfortable. It was thoroughly embarrassing all the way around, and the kids were just not happy having to carry messages.

But after the first week or so, I rely began to enjoy the peace and quiet! No arguing, no snide comments…and I told him how pleasant I was finding the experience. Of course he flounced about, banging pots and slamming doors, and the kids began avoiding him.

By the third week I would just sit there and tell him anything that popped in my head about how I felt a mature marriage should work, or list all the things I used to like about him, or tell stories about funny things we had done together as a family when the kids were babies and we lived in Georgia. He wasn’t spending too much time hanging around, but when he was I would just talk and talk without having to worry about being interrupted.

Thirty days. This went on for thirty freaking days. By that last week I was fed up and utterly embarrassed by him and for him. I didn’t want him around anymore. Which of course was his intent, to make me kick him out so he could feel justified for spending time with his mistress and paint me as this petty vindictive woman. But I didn’t kick him out of bed or the house. Even when he shoved me off the bed with his feet. And finally After thirty days he decided I’d been punished enough and deigned to start talking to me again. And to tell me why I was getting the silent treatment.

Want to know what my huge transgression was?

I hadn’t thanked him for doing the dishes one night.

Except…I had said thank you. He just hadn’t heard me.

Needless to say, we were divorced a year later, after I found out about his affair.

I am gobsmacked that the man expected to be thanked for doing a basic household chore. Didn’t he live there too?

[Athena]

@kittenblue

I can’t relate the best way to handle it, because the one time it happened to me I didn’t deal with it very well, and it was a precursor to the end of my marriage, but I didn’t know that at the time.

My husband started giving me the silent treatment, and doing that wonderfully mature thing of talking to me through the kids: “tell your mother this that or the other”. I would speak to him directly, but he refused to speak to me at all, and of course wouldn’t tell me or them what I had done. It was very embarrassing when he continued this behavior even in front of my brother. But I wasn’t going to protect him. I flat out told my brother, with my husband sitting right there, “Bob hasn’t been speaking to me for the last week, but refuses to say why”. My brother hates any kind of embarrassing turmoil like that and was very uncomfortable. It was thoroughly embarrassing all the way around, and the kids were just not happy having to carry messages.

But after the first week or so, I rely began to enjoy the peace and quiet! No arguing, no snide comments…and I told him how pleasant I was finding the experience. Of course he flounced about, banging pots and slamming doors, and the kids began avoiding him.

By the third week I would just sit there and tell him anything that popped in my head about how I felt a mature marriage should work, or list all the things I used to like about him, or tell stories about funny things we had done together as a family when the kids were babies and we lived in Georgia. He wasn’t spending too much time hanging around, but when he was I would just talk and talk without having to worry about being interrupted.

Thirty days. This went on for thirty freaking days. By that last week I was fed up and utterly embarrassed by him and for him. I didn’t want him around anymore. Which of course was his intent, to make me kick him out so he could feel justified for spending time with his mistress and paint me as this petty vindictive woman. But I didn’t kick him out of bed or the house. Even when he shoved me off the bed with his feet. And finally After thirty days he decided I’d been punished enough and deigned to start talking to me again. And to tell me why I was getting the silent treatment.

Want to know what my huge transgression was?

I hadn’t thanked him for doing the dishes one night.

Except…I had said thank you. He just hadn’t heard me.

Needless to say, we were divorced a year later, after I found out about his affair.

I’m sure that was a miserable experience for you to go through, but I have to say, I’m thoroughly impressed with how you handled it. Brilliant! And really incredibly funny.

I’m lucky in that the closest Mr. Athena and I get to a silent treatment is just a little bit of “cooling off” time, and even that isn’t really a silent treatment. Like, if something HAD to be said during that time (“OMG! The dog is bleeding!”) I have no doubts we’d both forget the fight and hop to whatever needed to be done. Maybe not with smiles on our faces, but we’d do it.

But more and more lately, I find myself thinking “This is so stupid. We’re not going to divorce over <whatever it is that started the fight>. We’re going to make up eventually. Why put myself through hours and hours or days and days of misery, when I know the outcome is going to be that we figure it out? Let’s just stop being mad right now.”

He’s told me he’s felt the same. It’s one thing if there’s really bad marital issues that need to be worked out, but for us, life is too short to stay mad at each other over the little things we have disagreements about.

[Jackmannii]

I loathe “the silent treatment” because my mother used to pull it on me, sometimes when I had no idea what terrible offense I had committed.

Thankfully no one around me does this anymore, ever since I bought the mime outfit and makeup to create an effective response.

[overlyverbose]

I came back in to confess. I have actually *tried *to give my husband the silent treatment on a few occasions. Or at least thought to myself, “Fine - you don’t listen to what I have to say, and when you do, you don’t like it, I just won’t talk. Take that!”

Of course, that lasted less than two minutes (assuming my husband even noticed), because my husband asked me a question: “Are you really going to do this?” or “Okay - what’s wrong?”, and one of two things happens:

1. My most common response was to think, “Ugh. This is so dumb. This isn’t going to solve anything. Why the hell did I think that this would work? I guess I’ll have to suck it up and try to explain why I’m so mad. I hope I don’t cry.” Then tell him as articulately as possible why I’m upset or that I need a few minutes.

2. I have big issues not responding to someone. It’s not at all respectful or polite and, jeez, I’m living with this person for the rest of my life. If I can’t at least give him the common courtesy of responding when he asks me a question, we’re hosed.

Now that we’ve been together more than 10 years, I’m better able to recognize that desire to give the silent treatment really means need a few minutes to figure out exactly what’s bothering me, then have a productive discussion about the issue.

[nearwildheaven]

@kittenblue

Want to know what my huge transgression was?

I hadn’t thanked him for doing the dishes one night.

Except…I had said thank you. He just hadn’t heard me.

Needless to say, we were divorced a year later, after I found out about his affair.

Let me guess. He never thanked YOU for doing the dishes yourself. :rolleyes:

[kittenblue]

@eulalia

I am gobsmacked that the man expected to be thanked for doing a basic household chore. Didn’t he live there too?

Well, yes, but by this point in the marriage I had been a SAHM for years and he felt it was my job primarily. Didn’t matter that I was now working more than he was. A lot more, since it turned out he was spending about 40 hours a week with his new honey. The same 40 I thought he was actually working… He also had to be asked to “babysit” his own children. You couldn’t just assume that if he was not scheduled to work and I was that he would naturally assume responsibility for the kids. Yes, he was an alcoholic jerk and none of us have heard a word from him in over five years. He doesn’t know there are 3.5 grand babies now. So yeah… He is the master of the silent treatment!

[Renifer]

There’s the possibility that the silent treatment has nothing to do with you

I’ve been giving most of my friends the silent treatment all this year. Not to punish them. I’m not mad at them. I just don’t know what to say or how to act around them. I don’t have the energy to navigate my way back into their good graces. It’s just easier to stay out of the way for the moment.

I’ll come around to them eventually, but, honestly, I’ve got bigger priorities at the moment. And I’m sure they have bigger priorities than catering to my fragile needs.

Overall, chances are likely that the silent treatment is more about them than you.

[Dunkelheit]

@eulalia

I am gobsmacked that the man expected to be thanked for doing a basic household chore. Didn’t he live there too?

I nearly always thank Parkhead for doing the dishes, because it’s one of my least favourite chores and I appreciate not having to do them myself. It’s nice to be appreciated even for doing mundane chores, or perhaps especially so, since they are so thankless otherwise. I doubt he’d act so butthurt if I neglected to do so once in a while, though.

[MandaJo]

I would consider the silent treatment to be grounds for divorce, if I somehow ended up married to someone who used it. I wouldn’t even try counseling after the first time. Cooling down is different, but even then there needs to be communication–even if it’s just “I am too angry to talk right now. We will deal with this when I calm down”. I would not maintain a friendship with anyone who did this. I like to think that if my son does this (where would he pick it up?) I would find a way to nip it in the bud. If it were a co-worker, I don’t even know what I would do. Ignore it, I suppose.

I honestly can’t think of any personal behavior I find more odious than the silent treatment. It is condescending, passive-aggressive, and selfish. Total deal-breaker.

[MandaJo]

@Renifer

There’s the possibility that the silent treatment has nothing to do with you

I’ve been giving most of my friends the silent treatment all this year. Not to punish them. I’m not mad at them. I just don’t know what to say or how to act around them. I don’t have the energy to navigate my way back into their good graces. It’s just easier to stay out of the way for the moment.

I’ll come around to them eventually, but, honestly, I’ve got bigger priorities at the moment. And I’m sure they have bigger priorities than catering to my fragile needs.

Overall, chances are likely that the silent treatment is more about them than you.

That’s not the silent treatment. That’s just being reclusive. The silent treatment is when you see someone every day and refuse to interact: you don’t say hello in response to their greeting, you don’t answer direct questions, you refuse eye contact. You pretend the person right there in the room with you doesn’t exist, and the more they beg and plead to know know what they did, what they said, what they can do, how sorry they are, the more you look off into the middle distance.

[jayrey]

@TruCelt

I just calmly tell them that I know they are upset, and will be happy to talk about it when they are ready. For now, I will respect their wish not to discuss it; just please don’t misinterpret that to mean it’s not important to me.

And then I find something else to occupy myself with. And I NEVER ask twice. This effectively cures the tendency, because they quickly figure out that I’m perfectly happy to have some extra reading time.

This has generaly ended with them thinking I don’t care enough about them. (because to their way of thinking, if I did, I’d be begging and crying etc. . .) Mind you, I’m also not particularly likely to remain in the relationship. I have a very low tolerance level for drama.

This, with a significant other or good friend. With co-workers, I just ignore them. Past history has taught me that two women in particular are easily offended and love the drama of “shunning” me with hopes of teaching me a “lesson.” Whatever.

And, like TruCelt, I don’t care for or put up with the drama. I wasted way too much time and energy on that as a young adult. No more.

[Spice_Weasel]

@eulalia

I am gobsmacked that the man expected to be thanked for doing a basic household chore. Didn’t he live there too?

Sr. Olives and I split the chores, but we thank each other for doing them pretty much every time. It’s not so unusual.

My Mom used to give me the silent treatment for days when I was a kid. Sort of a calm after the knock-down drag-out breaking objects screaming temper tantrum thing she did. If I begged her to talk to me, she would lose her shit all over again. I guess it was better than getting screamed at, but as an adult I will tolerate neither behavior. Life is too short.

[eulalia]

@olivesmarch4th

Sr. Olives and I split the chores, but we thank each other for doing them pretty much every time. It’s not so unusual.

My Mom used to give me the silent treatment for days when I was a kid. Sort of a calm after the knock-down drag-out breaking objects screaming temper tantrum thing she did. If I begged her to talk to me, she would lose her shit all over again. I guess it was better than getting screamed at, but as an adult I will tolerate neither behavior. Life is too short.

It’s the reaction to not getting thanked I was thinking about, not the act of thanking someone. People express their feelings in different ways and appreciation for the general behavior of another does not necessarily have to be expressed on every occasion. The expectation of thanks for things that have to be done that also benefit the person doing them is just strange to me.

[Darth_Panda]

I would probably respond by mocking them, but I’m kind of a dick.