May I ask why you want to get rid of them? 
If you recognize the guy – why do you even bother answering the door?
Quicklime and a bonesaw.
This is hilarious.
I like this too, but I think I can top it: "Have you considered owning your own business? You can have people marketing products for you and you just sit back and collect the override! Have you heard of Amway?
Close. Devil-worship. “Oohhh, & we’re having a sacrifice tonight, two chickens & a goat; wanna come?”
Strike a match, blow it out, and touch it to their ass. Oh wait, that’s for ticks.
I would have told them politely I am already an active member at my own church and don’t plan on leaving. It’s the truth for me, and it worked on getting rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Dog. One that can be scary but won’t bite. Allow it to be enthusiastically friendly. With luck they’ll be scared if dogs, or one of those militant “if a dog acknowledges me it should be shot!” types. They won’t come back.
Tell them you are $cientologist and invite them for a free audit.
It’s a lady, about the same age as me, and I think she wants me to convert because… she wants me, but she’s way too ugly. She’s been handing me papers for over a year now. So I have the legal right to prevent her from walking up to my front door? Would it be trespassing or soliciting?
“Thank you, but I’m satisfied with my current religion. If that ever changes, I’ll let you know.”
I was just thinking about that line today, when I passed the table of people giving “stress tests” (i.e. recruiting for Scientology) in the train station. Fortunately they didn’t solicit me, so I didn’t have to use it.
One time I attempted to get rid of a Jahovah Witness at my door by telling him in Spanish that I could not speak English; at which point he started to translate his speech into a beautiful dialect en Espanol. I then finally told him that I was not interested, and felt embarrassed that he might have known I’d lied to begin with. Now, when I suspect a proselytizer is at my door, I just wont answer it.
The window next to this desk faces our driveway - if I happen to be here and see an unfamiliar car drive up, I’m immediately on alert. I can usually tell by how many get out and what they may be carrying whether I’ll go to the door or not.
Fortunately, we live pretty far out in the boonies, so in almost 8 years, it’s only happened maybe 3 times when I was home. I’m a firm believer in the church of Ignore Them and They’ll Go Away.
Can you call the police department and ask what it takes?
I used to have Mormon missionaries track me down, despite numerous moves (I think my mother used to tip the off), and I finally told them that under Japanese law, I could file a complaint under the antistalking law (probably BS, but what do 19-yeal-old American kids in Japan know) and that I would sue the Mission President.
I asked for his missionary certificate, wrote down his full name, asked for his date of birth, the address of where he lived, and asked him to wait while I called the police to come and verify the information.
Oddly enough, they had another sudden appointment, and they left me alone.
Well, there’s your mistake…you let your mother know where you moved to.
Try “Thank you, but I’m satisfied with* the overall results and performance *of my current religion.” That adds an element of ‘what?’ to the whole experience.
You absolutely have the right to keep them from doing it. Try calling either the police non-emergency number, or if you’re curious about the actual law, you can probably try the city clerk.
Alternately just whip it out and piss on their shoes next time they come. That should work too.
Say “I’m sorry, but I just signed a three-year contract with my current religious provider, and I got (hold up a handbag or small dufflebag) this just for signing up!”
The JWs do have a list. If you ask them not to come back they are supposed to note the address and not come back for a few years. They assume that people move so the address does become active again five(?) years later.
For 99.99% of the door knockers a simple, “not interested, please don’t come back again” will do. Anyone who has been doing the door to door thing for more than a few days will have already seen every “clever” line in the book.
I pretty much never answer a door knock unless I am expecting someone.
There’s a substantial “time in hell” penalty for early cancellation. Plus you’d have to pay for the salvation upgrade you got for signing.