Beware my fearsome hooter of death

Various and sundry parts of my body are trying to kill me. So far, my right boob has been the only one to strike a significant blow, but I fear that unless I take drastic steps to quash this lawless revolt, I will be violently overthrown.

Pshaw, you say. Paranoid much, Marlitharn? Then listen to the facts, scoffers, and have a care for your own naughty bits, because if it could happen to me, it could happen to you! [cue ominous music]

I have always tried to be very nice to my ta-tas. I refer to them jocularly as “the girls”, I buy them the most comfortable bras I can afford, and I NEVER let anyone chew them, squish them, or otherwise fold, spindle, or mutilate them. They’ve brought me many hours of untold pleasure and, through my actions, I’ve tried to show my appreciation to them. But yesterday morning my right boob, ingrate that she is, ruthlessly snapped her supportive underwire in half and tried to impale me through the chest with the sharp pointy end!

I escaped with a mere scratch. At the time, I assumed the stabbing had been attempted in a spontaneous fit of passion, because if Righty had planned it at all, she wouldn’t have done it with my most comfortable bra; she’d have waited until she could be armed with the demi-cup, which pinches and has thicker underwires. As it was, I punished her by strapping her down in a too-tight sports bra (I felt bad, at first, about forcing Lefty to endure the same punishment, but I feel it’s just possible that she was cheering her comrade on).

So your right boobah breached its containment hull and nearly caused you grievous bodily harm, you say. So what. Ah, but if that had been the only attempt made on my life yesterday, I wouldn’t be worried. Later in the afternoon, however, my right buttock got into the act.

Perhaps noticing how futile were the attempts of Hooter East earlier in the day, Buttcheek Right took a more subtle approach. Rather than attack me directly (an action which would have left her open to criminal prosecution), R. Buttock tried to make me die of shame by wantonly tearing through my jeans in the parking lot of the local gambling casino. Literally, my ass was hanging in the wind.

Fortunately for me, R. Buttock’s sense of timing was as bad as Ms. Right’s aim. She chose to make her flamboyant entrance as I was getting into the car, instead of in front of Bob and everybody inside the casino, which would have been wayyy more effective. Upon my arrival home, I was able to cover my modesty with my jacket and make it into the house without scandalizing the neighbors, where my husband soothed me by collapsing into hysterical laughter while pointing at my ass.

I could maybe overlook one attempt on my life. But two in one day? That, to me, looks a leeetle suspicious. I shall be sleeping with one eye open from now on, lest more cunning areas of my body get into the act. Supposing the left tit and the right tit conspire to fall over my mouth and nose and suffocate me whilst I slumber? shiver My husband has offered to keep an eye on them for me, but I distrust his motives. And I’m so tired…

can’t sleep…boobs will kill me…can’t sleep…boobs will kill me…

So, **Marlithan **, you’re a girl, right? :smiley:
Never trust a husband’s motives when boobies are involved.

Um, you could sleep on your stomach…

It’s clear that for your own safety you’ll have to be restrained. I would suggest that you invest in some padded handcuffs, latex, and leather stat.

Am I the only one who clicked on this thread thinking it might be about an owl?

You think that’s bad, last night I woke up with my penis standing over me holding an axe and wearing nothing but a raincoat. Actually, I guess for him, that’s getting dressed up. But it was still rather terrifying, and his excuse was incredibly flimsey (he says he was “sleepwalking”), and the fact I crashed on the couch at work just made it even more of awkward. We’re going to have quite a talk when we get home, yes we are…

I’m with robertliguori on this one…restraint is indeed called for. Leather works well, but get something fuzzy so Lefty doesn’t feel like she’s being punished too much.

El Elvis Rojo, when such things happen to me, I just grab him firmly with my left hand, then beat him about the head and neck. It usually makes me feel much better.

Obviously, there’s some sort of bra conspiracy going on.

Just make sure you sleep with the left eye open.

You’re right, there must be a cabal with secret communications and a perfect sense of timing. Because this happened to my wife yesterday, too.

Personally, I think she should be keelhauled for not telling me what the problem was, and just requesting assistance without telling me a reason when she got home from work … “Please, carefully take off my sweater.” " :cool: " “Now, very carefully remove my shirt.” " :smiley: " “Now, gently unhook my bra.” " :smiley: :cool: :eek: " “Whew!” (As she carefully removes the bra, continuing to hold the offending underwire with one hand, then putting her clothing back on.) ":confused: :frowning: :smack: "

No, I thought it would be too. :slight_smile:

Man does the “Underwire snappage” thing hurt.

AND it happened to me last week as well. Sitting in a room full of men (I am the only female on this course) we hear a loud “SNAP!!!”

Everyone is looking round trying to find the source of the sound while I am sat here in an attempt to not cause said underwire to dig any further into my boob.

Owie. I have a lovely bruise to prove it as well.

That is, by far, the funniest thing I have read on the boards in quite some time! hahaha

Crap, was that funny! I’ll have to pay much closer attention to my boobs from now on - what if this isolated incident gives way to a full-fledged revolution!?

:eek:

I feel your pane My favorite bra did that to me last week! Then my pretty pink bra wth the bow in the middle did it to me yesterday! If this keeps up I might stop wearing bras all together.what really tiks me off is that pink one matched the only panteys I have that dont squish my penis and testicles all day!

Rather than punishing the girls, perhaps you could spend some quality time with them. I believe this may be a cry for help, and a cry for help from your hooters should never go unanswered. A dilapidated underwire bra is a torment to a well-coddled breast, and you should explore whether this was a panicked attempt at escape, rather than a personal attack. I suggest that an extended visit with Victoria’s Secret is in order. I’m sure your husband would be happy to help you select a more fitting holster for your weapons of mass destruction.

Likewise, your buttock might have felt emboldened by your ta-ta’s, after all, there is safety in numbers. Perhaps you could comfort them with new purchases as well.

Wow. Thought I was the only one whose clothes were trying to kill or humiliate me. Right now I am wearing a band-aid in my right armpit where the underwire of my favorite bra (the leopard-print one) attempted to impale me this morning at work. Try explaining THAT to the male attendant at Health Services. Thankfully, neither breast tried to get in on the act, but damn, that’s gonna leave a mark for sure.

Yeah, I thought this was an owl thread, too.

So it’s happening to others as well?!?

Am I the only one who sees a massive conspiracy here? Ladies, obviously our breasts have evolved telepathic abilities and are in contact with each other and it’s only a matter of time until they launch a coordinated attack and wipe us all out! We must endeavor to somehow sever their lines of communication or we’re all doomed! DOOMED I say!

On the bright side, I made up with my butt. I bought her some nice new jeans and promised to start using more fabric softener, and she promised to behave herself in public and never show her ass again. :smiley: I may appoint her ambassador to my boobs; with luck a peace agreement may be reached and massive bloodshed and loss of life avoided.

And for all you people suggesting I should be restrained…What are you, perverts? carefully pushes “toy box” under bed with foot while continuing to rant I come to you with a plea for help and you start fantasizing about leather and fur bondage materials! Righty nearly killed me with a Hanes underwire…how much damage do you think she’d be able to do with the metal studs off a leather bra? And fur makes me itchy. Whether I was attacked with malice aforethought or was simply an innocent bystander in an “escape attempt” (like I believe that for a minute; what did they promise you, tmwster, if you succeeded in spreading doubt among their victims? I see you over there looking shifty!), I believe my husband’s suggested course of action is the wisest. Today he selflessly volunteered to clutch the girls firmly in his hands while we slept, risking life and limb so that I might sleep easy. Obviously this security measure worked, or I wouldn’t be here typing this right now.

A revolution is afoot, people, and it’s up to us to oppress these upstart mammary glands before dissent gains a foothold! Who’s with me?

Uh… would you uh… talk about the leather bra just few minutes more…

pant pant pant

Rule 1-Never let a 16 year-old kid in the room when you’re on the Dope. Especially if it’s male!
Now he’s gone off muttering something about “Protecting” his girlfriend. Hmmm…

Must go ground kid!