Weapons of Mass Distraction (Ladies, share your boob stories)

[phouka]

I thought about telling my story in astro’s thread, but decided that would be off topic. So, I’ve created this thread for our booby stories - good, bad, and ugly.

Worse injury I ever did to my girls was in college. I took an archery course, which was a blast. Because I’m a big girl - D in high school, DD in college and beyond - I had to adapt my stance with the bow, twisting my torso and tilting my shoulder forward a bit, to protect the girls. Except, I forgot once. Once.

The bow I was using had a thirty pound draw. Had my right tit been made of anything less resilient, the bowstring would have carved a cutlet off my starboard breast. As it was, it left a bruise the size of an index card and probably a good inch deep. Several of my neighbors stopped what they were doing and checked on me, but there wasn’t much they could do, so they left me, huddled around my poor, abused booby.

I understood after that day why Amazons were supposed to cut off their right breasts. The mythology books I’d read had never explained that point. The fantasy books I’d read never had heroines encounter such problems. It’s just not fair.

Second worst was not my fault. Somehow, I got an ant infestation in my bedroom. I learned this about 30 seconds after climbing under the covers. Naked. After the screaming dash for the shower, I counted forty bites. Three of them on my left nipple. Worse, those took a couple days longer to heal than the other bites.

Third worst? Let me just implore the gentlemen surely reading this thread:

Gentlemen, as much as you love the boobies, as much as you enjoy one-on-one time with the boobies . . . do not suck on the booby so hard you leave a hickey! Your time with the boobies after such perfidy will be severely limited.

[Reply]

And people wonder why I spend so much time on the Dope.

[StaudtCJ]

My boob story:

Dear Hubby,
When you roll over in bed, please be hyper-aware of both where your elbows are and where my breasts are. Since my breasts are fairly large, I understand that you may, in your stupor, think they are merely pillows in the wrong place, but placing an elbow on one to prop oneself up to check the clock while half-asleep is not on the cards. This will wake me up screaming in pain, assure that you and I both become fully awake, and leave bruises on the girls. And by the way: “Oh dear, snort, honey, chuckle, I’m so, snort again, sorry, chortle, are you ok?” is not an acceptable apology.

StaudtCJ

[Silvorange]

@StaudtCJ

My boob story:

Dear Hubby,
When you roll over in bed, please be hyper-aware of both where your elbows are and where my breasts are. Since my breasts are fairly large, I understand that you may, in your stupor, think they are merely pillows in the wrong place, but placing an elbow on one to prop oneself up to check the clock while half-asleep is not on the cards. This will wake me up screaming in pain, assure that you and I both become fully awake, and leave bruises on the girls. And by the way: “Oh dear, snort, honey, chuckle, I’m so, snort again, sorry, chortle, are you ok?” is not an acceptable apology.

StaudtCJ

I’ve actually done this to myself more than once.

[Nava]

Dressing up as wenches for an SCA-type association.

Impossibly Curvy Girl: man, this dress makes me feel like a goddamn whale.
Flat as a Plank Girl: ah, see, me, I love it. Look! I have… BOOBIES!
Me: it’s the only dress I’ve had which gets men to stare at my front, usually they try to talk to my ass.

Sucking is fine (subscribing to the limits previously established by phouka). Licking is great (with a minimum amount of drool, please). Biting is Not Fine. If you bite my tits, I’m allowed to bite your dick. You’ve been warned.

[CalMeacham]

I understood after that day why Amazons were supposed to cut off their right breasts. The mythology books I’d read had never explained that point. The fantasy books I’d read never had heroines encounter such problems. It’s just not fair.

Speaking as an enthusiast of myths (and of boobs), I have to note that, although they tell this story, and even try to derive the name “Amazon” from the Greek for “without Breast” (although that’s a stretch), I’ve never seen a Classical painting or sculpture that shows any Amazons missing a breast. (Although I note that they’re also not heavily endowed). Moreover, you don’t generally find this excised breast referred to in most of the literature about them. All of which makes me doubt that this is either true (in whatever sense the myth may be), or a strand of the main tradition.

[Spice_Weasel]

For the record, I did the exact same thing the OP did once. It hurts like hell.

[Fetchund]

Owwie. Painful Mammory Memories.

I am, for want of a technical term, Perma-Nipped. And, when I am at home, I rarely wear a bra. In fact, I’m usually in the thinnest T-shirt I can find. So, there are some protuberences.

Sometimes foster kittens have a sudden urge to BITE protuberences, you know? Did you know that an 8 week old kitten can do a pretty thorough job of piercing a nipple?

Ow.

[fubbleskag]

this thread is useless without photos

[dragonlady]

If you don’t have a picture, it didn’t happen!

[Claire_Beauchamp]

Dear Guys:

Yes, I’ve heard some women like rough breast/nipple play. If she hasn’t TOLD you she likes it that way, though, assume NOT. Also, realize that they are quite sensitive organs on most women, and you typically don’t know the strength of your own hands (like when you give us that neck massage like a Vulcan Nerve Pinch.) So, that thing you do where you pinch and twirl the nipples like you’re trying to tune in Radio Free Europe? Ouch. Stop it already. Gentle, people, gentle! If I want more I’ll let you know.

P.S. There are more erogenous parts to the breast than the tiny little pointy thing on the tip. Just FYI.

[Der_Trihs]

@CalMeacham

Speaking as an enthusiast of myths (and of boobs), I have to note that, although they tell this story, and even try to derive the name “Amazon” from the Greek for “without Breast” (although that’s a stretch), I’ve never seen a Classical painting or sculpture that shows any Amazons missing a breast. (Although I note that they’re also not heavily endowed). Moreover, you don’t generally find this excised breast referred to in most of the literature about them. All of which makes me doubt that this is either true (in whatever sense the myth may be), or a strand of the main tradition.

And an excerpt from a Straight Dope column on the matter.

Everyone knows the story of how the Amazons cut off their right breasts so they wouldn’t interfere with the use of the bow. Trouble is, the story is a crock–an old crock, but a crock nonetheless. This element of the Amazon myth was invented in the 5th century B.C. The poor Amazons had to start mutilating themselves because some big boob thoughtlessly dabbled in the dark art of etymology without the proper equipment. Hellanicus of Lesbos imagined the name was derived from the Greek prefix a- (“without”) and mazos, a variant of mastos (“breast”). He was surely wrong, but his folk etymology is still firmly embedded in the collective consciousness after more than two dozen centuries. There was no hint before his time, either in writing or art, that the Amazons had anything other than usual complement of breasts, so we can safely assume that the one-breasted image we have of them flowed from the (false) etymology and not vice versa.

[ivylass]

Mine had cancer.

I’m pleased to say, my latest mammo was clear! I’m good for another six months.

[ZipperJJ]

The only thing really bad ever to happen to my boobies is when I was in bed playing with my puppy with a thin t-shirt on and she accidentally caught me in the nip.

Owie! I got better, tho…

[CalMeacham]

One time when we were getting out of the shower together, our cat Midnight was sitting on the sink (no doubt amazed at the spectacle of humans voluntarily getting under flowing water). She looked up and saw Pepper Mill’s unadorned nipple bobbing directly in front of her. I suspect she didn’t know what it was, and gently took a tentative bite, which caused Pepper Mill to screech. That put an end to that. The only one that’s allowed to do that is me.

[freckafree]

I’m sure every mother who breastfed a child that had sprouted a few teeth has a similar story to tell. There I was, peacefully nursing my darling child…slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp CHOMP!

It brought tears to my eyes, it did. I think my startled shriek was enough to make him let go.

Then there was the self-inflicted titty-twister. You know how you can quickly coil up an electrical cord by looping it around your elbow and palm? I discovered that it is fairly easy to catch a nipple between the loops. Ow!

[ratatoskK]

Another “ladies … boobs” thread.:rolleyes:

[Mama_Zappa]

@freckafree

I’m sure every mother who breastfed a child that had sprouted a few teeth has a similar story to tell. There I was, peacefully nursing my darling child…slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp CHOMP!

It brought tears to my eyes, it did. I think my startled shriek was enough to make him let go.
…

Ouchies! That happened to me a few times.

I’m… not lacking in that department. And after nursing 2 kids, they ain’t perky any more. I find this is actually a good thing, come mammogram time (I tell everyone I’ll just wait out in the waiting room. I’m not entirely joking). Dunno how perky gals get that procedure done.

[corkboard]

@freckafree

Then there was the self-inflicted titty-twister. You know how you can quickly coil up an electrical cord by looping it around your elbow and palm? I discovered that it is fairly easy to catch a nipple between the loops. Ow!

Doing your electrical work topless again, I see?

[phouka]

More of a bra story than a boob story:

I had a couple of friends over one day while I was in the middle of doing laundry. While I am well-endowed, the friends are both small chested, though I never heard either of them complain. I came out of the kitchen to find them considering my bra.

“If you doubled it up, you could wear it like a hat,” one said.

“I’ve alway thought of it as more of a double barrelled cantalope launcher,” the other remarked.

Jealousy, I tell you. Sheer jealousy.