Since you haven’t yet decided, are you prepared to reconnect with this person? Because responding is reconnecting, even if that’s not your intent.
This situation reminds me a little bit of a poster I’ve seen on office walls – something to the effect of “Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.” It’s not the same, but almost – your ex-friend’s sudden attack of conscience shouldn’t place an obligation on you. Don’t let it, unless that’s what you want.
Life is full of loose ends. Let this be one of them.
“Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
I’m actually leaning towards sending her a polite acknowledgement back, but AuntiePam is right - responding is reconnecting. If she has grown up (and a lot of what you’re saying about her could simply be immaturity), would you want to be friends again?
I could potentially agree with that mindset for certain situations; this isn’t one of them. They were 19 years old when this all went down. IME, the vast majority of people make incredible strides in maturity, life experience, empathy, and so on. They are several large life stages beyond Early College Years. And, this is obviously wandering strongly into IMHO, but I think that in the US, the college years (and sometimes the first couple of years afterward) are often a continuation of adolescence. 19 (or 22) may physically and legally be considered adult ages, but honestly I don’t think they are emotionally, socially, etc.*
*[sup]Standard Disclaimer that of course it’s not 100% true for 100% of the population. But it’s also not inherently pejorative, either. [/sup]
…But give it to a friend to mail while they are away on vacation next summer. A stamp & a postmark from Fiji are a nice gift to a philatelist as well as cheap insurance against stalkers.
I think the kind thing to do would be to send back some kind of acknowledgement/well wishes. It’s not like it hurts you to send a little something saying “No hard feelings”. It doesn’t even mean you have to reply to any further contact. I doubt she actually expects to be BFFs again. She’ll probably feel a lot better just knowing there is no bad blood between you two anymore.
I’d drop her a note. Something general in the “its was nice to hear from you, this is what I’m currently up to in my life.” I wouldn’t go into the past.
It sounds like you are physically separated now, so I suspect this isn’t a “I’m going to monopolize your life” friendship, just a reaching out to make amends (and it might be that, she may have some sort of issue where she’s now going through 12 steps and realizes she treated you poorly). It sounds like her behavior back then was immature and not abusive.
But if you never sent the note back, I wouldn’t think you were WRONG either.
Sometimes in situations like this it helps to think in terms of which you’d regret more - would you regret sending her a note, or would you regret not acknowledging her card more?
“Thank you for the birthday card. I assure you that I harvest no bad feelings towards you, as time is a great healer. While the distance between us is too great to rekindle the close friendship we once shared, be assured that I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that your life is filled with friendships that bring you as much joy as my friends have brought, and continue to bring, to my life.”
The deed, she is done. I decided that I would write back because I personally hate loose ends (it’s the needleworker in me ) and because I really don’t want her to think I’ve been stewing away hating her guts for all these years.
Like Cat Whisperer said, I’d regret not responding more than a (very very tenuous) reconnection. She’s in Alberta and I’m in Pennsylvania, so there’s next to zero chance of encountering her in person and I’m not getting a “stalker” vibe from her.
It probably took me six tries between not knowing quite how to word it, deciding to leave parts out, and my chicken-scratch handwriting.
I stuck it in the mail first thing this morning, and feel about 10 pounds lighter.
Autolycus: awww, c’mere ya big lug and let me give ya hugs and noogies
Agreed about immaturity, in 20/20 hindsight I think she was very insecure and unhappy then and that’s why she did some of the obnoxious stuff. And a lot of the onus is on me for being a doormat and not telling her it was hurtful. And why, if I ever met Younger Self, I’d want to punch her one in the nose.
Also in the above post it should be “water noodle JOUSTING,” not that that makes any more sense.
) and because I really don’t want her to think I’ve been stewing away hating her guts for all these years.