This year I made a special effort to mail out my cards before Christmas. Made them from a kit, very simple blue with a tie-on metal snowflake. Extra postage. I printed up the message inside myself, and that took days to get lined up just right. Simple message…Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all…May the spiritof Christmas Live in your hearts Throughout the Year, Love, Kittenblue. Nice, simple. Mailed them out after the last pick-up on the 22nd.
On the 23rd, I get a voice mail from a guy I had dated for three years. Who had said he considered me part of the family, and wanted to stay friends, even though he got married suddenly last November only four months after he broke up with me. I still sometimes babysit for his grandchild, and his son is a friend. We haven’t spoken since his wedding, but I sent him and his bride a card last year. The year before I had given him a set of personalized ornaments for his whole family, so I sent them another ornament in last year’s card with the new bride’s name on it, so that she would feel included in his family. Never heard a word, or got a card back, but that’s okay. I sent them a card this year, and had already decided that if I got no response this year, they are off the list for next year. Now bear in mind this was a three year, platonic relationship. At no point were we lovers. He told me that she didn’t believe him when he told her that, and I cattily said “why would you marry someone who doesn’t believe you when you’re telling the truth?” She and I met exactly once, and the impression I got of her and their relationship is that she is a ball-breaker. She even drives a bigger pick-up truck than him. He is a great guy, a religious, church-going man, and was a good friend. I figured a Christmas card would be an inoffensive way to stay in touch with an old friend. I send cards to lots of people I don’t speak to from year to year, and I’m sure you do too. End of backstory.
So I get this voice mail, in which he is yelling at me. Yelling, in a rage. I’ve never heard him raise his voice. Telling me to never send any communication to his address again and to just get on with my life. I’d quote it exactly since I saved the message, but I can’t bear to hear it again. I’m sitting there, stunned, listening to this. Amazed first that the card arrived the next day from when I had mailed it. And just flabbergasted. This happened on a very stressful day (I work retail) and I really took this angry response hard. I was first embarrassed that my simple card had caused such a reaction, and my first response was to be upset with myself for sending the card. Being so close to a stress-induced emotional meltdown anyway, the call almost tipped me into tears. Fortunately a guy I am seeing called at that moment, and in telling him the story I began to see more to this story.
When I got divorced, my ex-husband would occasionally call me and scream at me like that, especially if I had asked him to do something with the kids that involved me at all. Then he would call to apologize, telling me that his new wife was insanely jealous of me and would scream at him until he’d call to bitch me out, generally with her listening. Then the next time he’d have to call and scream at me, I knew what was going on. Didn’t make me respect him at all, but I didn’t take it so personally any more. Still hurt.
But I realized that this must be what happened with the Christmas card. She got all bent out of shape and made his life hell, and the only way to appease this woman he married was to act as if he was enraged at me too and call and leave that message. Probably with her standing right there, making sure he did it. I should feel sorry for him, considering what his home life must be like now, never knowing when the smallest thing is going to send her into a rage. She probably hits him, too, or at least punishes him for every slight and slip-up.
My first reaction is to take the whole incident and react with dignity and decorum, and just never, ever send a card again. I even pulled the card for his son out of the pile waiting to be mailed, lest he be offended by me mailing something to a whole 'nother household.
My second reaction is to call and leave him (and her) a voicemail, letting them know how that call had ruined my holiday and that they are both assholes.
Of course, I didn’t do that. That would be childish, and petty, and spiteful, and would ultimately make me look bad. So instead, I have been practising what I would say if I ever, ever ran into him again at the store, andI will post it here in the Pit, and get this off my chest and my heart. So here it is.
" I got your voice mail, and I want to reassure you that I won’t ever make the mistake of wishing you and your wife a Merry Christmas again. I was going to react as a mature adult who has unintentionally given offense and apologize, but then I realized that that kind of woman doesn’t really appeal to you, so here it is, in terms that impress you more. You are a fucking asshole, and I hope your life in the coming year is a misery. I sent you a fucking Christmas card, wishing you Peace on Earth, for crying out loud. It wasn’t an erotic love letter. It was addressed to both of you, as man and wife. Yes, it was signed “love, kittenblue”, but that was PRINTED on there…everyone got one signed like that. If you had just ignored it, I would have taken you off the list for next year. But apparently the spirit of Christmas doesn’t even live in your heart at Christmas time, you asshole. I thought you were a good, church-going man, but you are nothing but a pussy-whipped asshole who hasn’t the balls or the backbone to stand up for himself. I understand that saying “I want to still be friends, you are part of this family, etc” is just politeness to someone you are breaking up with, but what I did doesn’t deserve this kind of venom. I hope that the next time you are sitting there in church, you will think about whether the God you profess to love really wants you to scream at people who wish you peace and good will. And rather than feel sorry for you for being stuck with a wife who can’t handle a Christmas card from an old friend, I’m glad your life will be miserable. How many other friends is she cutting you off from? Can you go out with Bill any more? Can you talk to that nice woman at work that you used to help out? Has she cut you off from your ex-wife and your kids yet? Better watch your step, asshole, because if they offend her, you won’t be seeing that sweet grandbaby much. Have a happy New Year, you jerk, and remeber that if you buy her the wrong gift for Valentine’s Day, your life will be hell. But that’s the kind of woman who gets you hot, so go have a great life, and have a Merry Christmas. Asshole."
I said it was weak.
