I’ve been to four or five birthday parties at hubby’s son’s house. Extremely blended family – step-parents and grandparents on both sides, spouses who are divorced/separated from each other and who come with current boyfriends/girlfriends, aunts, uncles, siblings, etc.
The parties are fun for the kids (I think), not so much for the adults. We sit around looking at each other, warily, while the kids eat dinner. Then it’s birthday cake and opening presents. All the adults (except mom and dad, of course) leave immediately after gifts are opened.
Is there a better way to do this? Something like an open house, maybe? So the still-not-speaking-after-10-years exes and the people who don’t know each other from Adam could be asked to come at different times?
The atmosphere is so strained and uncomfortable, we see these parties as something to get through, and damn but there’s another one next month and then another three months after that.
I’ve been trying to think of an alternative, but I can’t come up with anything that’s not rude (not going), or that doesn’t put mom and dad to extra trouble (like having an extra, smaller party at our house).
I have one birthday party for my child and invite his father’s family. There’s usually some sort of focus, ice-skating or someone’s new baby to coo over, to take the pressure off the sitting around staring at each other part. The ex and I are amicable, as are the extended families, so it works out for those infrequent times they attend.
Even if there’s not, big deal. I hate those families that have each occasion three times because Grandma X can’t get along with Grandpa Y, I swore I’d never do that and I haven’t. I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable but it’s really not about y’all, it’s about the kids.
Why not sit with the kids during dinner? Each grandparent/step/ex grab a different sibling or something, talking to them will be enough of a distraction and the child will enjoy the attention. Same goes with gift-opening, at least until they’re teenagers too cool for toys, get down in there! Help open packages, insert batteries, read instructions, etc.
If you must ask for the extra smaller party, make it easy on the parents by offering to pay for everything.
I’ll admit, I have no first hand knowledge of the type of situation (blended family) that you describe, so my proposed solution may not be practical. For that matter, my extended family has tended to live at sufficient distances that more than a couple of relatives at an event are practically unheard of. This is not a unmixed blessing.
Still, why do all the blended family folk have to attend each birthday party? Any reason you can’t take turns, sacrificing the joy of watching kid blow out candles and eat cake for the peace of spending time with kid on another occassion(not neccessarily a party, just a family dinner)? How many people are you talking, anyway? An open house may be an option, but it might be more appealing to the adults than to the kid. But at some level, if your situation isn’t working, I don’t blame you for trying to change it.
Appreciate your thoughts. QueenTonya, we do manage to spend some time with the kids at these parties. They’re 1, 4, and 5 now, and they seem to love all the attention. I’m sure they don’t notice any tension, yet.
For sure they don’t pick up on the relationship issues. Today, hubby was helping me down some steps (bad hip). He called me “Dear” as he was doing this, and the 5-year-old said “But Grandpa – you love the grandma who lives in the yellow house!” That’s hubby’s ex, in the yellow house. They were divorced before she was born, so I don’t know why she said that.
Eureka, I think we’ll be making some adjustments. If nothing else, we might just come early or late. I definitely get the feeling that some of the adults would be more relaxed if the exes weren’t there at the same time.
I’m not sure what sort of distances are involved, but would it be possible to set a times for the party so adults could drop them off at the beginning and pick them up at the end? This would give the adults time to run errands or simply relax and do adult things (a kid-free trip to the library or hair salon, maybe), instead of feeling forced to socialize with people they’d just as soon not. As I recall, when I was a kid, Mum would drop me off at parties and pick me up at the end; if no set end time was defined, I’d give her a call. It should be even easier to do this now cell phones are so prevalent.
Just have two parties. My boyfriend’s kids have a party at their mom’s house with their friends, then on another day they come over to our house and we do the presents thing and take them out to do something special, like laser tag with their friends. I see no reason for the adults to have to be forced to “mingle.” The kids don’t care and they end up getting double the fun.
Siege, the only children at the parties are hubby’s son’s three children (his two and his new girlfriend’s one). I imagine when they start school, they’ll start having parties with the kids’ little friends, and the adult relatives will be sidelined.
Nyctea, that’s an idea. Hubby woke up this morning thinking the two of us could take the birthday girl out for pizza or something from now on.
The thing is, I don’t think anyone would be disappointed if we didn’t attend the big party, if we decided to visit at another time.
Cute kid story relating to the “you love grandma in the yellow house” tale.
At Christmas, my parents recieved a present from their grandchildren. Or maybe it was from the grandchildren’s mother-- I don’t remember who the tag said it was from. At any rate, the present consisted of a cutesy shelf, with two pegs on it. There was a footprint (in a frame) from Niece (age not quite 3), and a footprint from Niece’s little sister (6 mo.). Niece looked the situation over,searched the pile of tissue paper, and then turned to her mother, and said “Where’s Susie’s footprint, Mommy?”
She didn’t understand that Mommy’s mother and father recieved a shelf with 3 footprints on it, because all three children footprinted are their grandchildren, but Daddy’s mother and father are only grandparents of two children.
In case it is non-obvious, Daddy is my brother, Susie’s daddy is Mommy’s brother.
QueenTonya, we do manage to spend some time with the kids at these parties. They’re 1, 4, and 5 now, and they seem to love all the attention. I’m sure they don’t notice any tension, yet.