it’s not crap.
it’s not to set you straight about xmas.
I have a cousin. She is the only child of my mother’s sister. I, too, am an only child. And both of us each have a single child. Both sets of our parents are deceased and have been for a while now. We decided when our kids were born that we’d each give the other’s child birthday and Christmas gifts so that our side of the family would be represented. This has worked great. But she and I rarely send each other anything.
Out of the blue, every few years, she’ll send me a gift. Something generic usually that just screams “I’m an unwanted re-gift”. But this year’s offering takes the cake. It’s a large bag of assorted nuts.
What’s so bad about that, you might ask? Well, I’m allergic to nuts. Very. It’s something everyone in our family was aware of after I projectile vomited at the Christmas dinner table one year after ingesting some handfuls of cashews. My cousin was there. She has to remember this. It was…well…unforgettable no matter how hard you tried.
Like many of the rest of you, I brought them into work and let the co-workers loose on them. But wow, such a gift of spite! I need to think up something reallllllly special for her next year. (sarcasm)
So nobody got a fruit cake?
I got part of one from my mom. It’s homemade. Not bad.
I got a loaf of banana bread. Well, it has fruit in it. And walnuts. And chocolate chips.
I got a desk sized Keurig and an assortment of flavored k-cups. Very thoughtful, because I do drink flavored coffee except for the part that I’m a very vocal tree-hugger and I have a reusable k-cup for the Keurig in the break room to avoid throwing out all of those plastic cups.
Not to mention that this one is a 2.0 which means I cannot use a reusable filter in it, nor can I buy off brand coffee. Keurig brand k-cups or nothing. AND I don’t want a coffee maker on my desk. There is a perfectly good one in the break room and going there allows me to leave my office and chat with people.
I would give anything if you would PM me a pic of that sweater. 
My brother-in-law, whom I adore, gave me a set of body products: moisturizer, scrub stuff, lotion, hand cream, etc. All of which is fragranced, and all of which I am allergic to. I tried very gently to tell him that I didn’t “know if” I would be able to use them and he said he had thought of that, but he had checked and because they smelled good, he was sure it wouldn’t be a problem. I opened one of the jars and almost vomited, and got a stabbing pain behind my eye. And the stuff can’t be returned because he got it at a kiosk at a mall. I think he must have spent about $75.
My boss sent me a box of grapefruit, to which I am as allergic as stillownedbysetters is to nuts. That is, “call 911” allergic. I opened the box and immediately put it out in the garage, and told my husband he could either throw it away or take it to work with him, but it would have to go in his trunk.
My boss is aware that I am allergic to grapefruit, because the last two times we have hired people, in the interviews I have explained to them that I had to ask them that if they were hired, I needed them to not wear fragrance or eat grapefruit in the office. All have agreed readily.
ETA: Unlike stillownedbysetters’ gift, I am sure this is not out of spite. She’s just obtuse and doesn’t give a shit. She probably gave the same thing to a dozen different people, and I was another checkmark on her list. If I reminded her that I am horribly allergic to grapefruit, she would be shocked and apologetic, and probably do the same thing next year.
Actually it’s an important question since only one of the models so far has been reported to spew boiling hot water at you.
Steer clear of the Mini Plus K10.
Interesting…I hadn’t heard of that. But boiling hot water spewage wasn’t his concern. He really didn’t know which the “good” one was. “Good” is defined as “has reservoir”, which you can see on the interwebz page pretty clearly, but he still got all worried about it, bless his heart.
He also asked me about the Facebook reports of TOXIC MOLD!!! As if anything in my house would dare to mold. Pshaw.
He worries. He’s a nice dad.
I would like** Lamia** to wear that sweater and any and every occasion attended by the knitter.
Mr Boods’ sister made a fruitcake which I’m told she does well. However, neither of us partook because not only was the sister a fountain of headcold fluids, but Mr Boods’ mum, who was cutting and serving out slices of said cake with her bare hands, was also miserable with a stinking cold.
Plate of fruity death? No, thanks.
I am noticing a trend here. You give all your old ornaments to your sister. She gives you an ornament for Christmas. You ask your sister if she wants your old mugs. She gives you a mug for Christmas. My theory is that she is not paying attention to “FairyChatMom doesn’t want X item.” She is only seeing “FairyChatMom owns X item! She must like them! Great gift idea!”
The obvious solution is to change your name and move to another state.
No, I don’t have a solution, actually, besides just dumpstering/Goodwilling the unwanted gifts. I just wanted to share my theory.
I think she should wrap them all up and give them back to her sister next year. Plus maybe a few more of the ugliest things from the dollar store. And a fruitcake. From the dollar store.
Y’know, I was going to light into the OP for being a five-yr-old bitching about Santa, then go into a jeremiad about ingrates who don’t appreciate the wonderful gifts they receive throughout the year and who should shut the fuck up, but my wife made me a stocking cap. We’ve been together for forty years and one might think she’d notice I only wear a hat when the weather is its bitterest and I’ll be outside longer than it takes to get to the car; therefore I’ve only worn the last one she made fifteen years ago a few times. And it’s way too big. “Oh, I guess you lost some head fat.”
(meditating on my blessings to bring my blood pressure down)
I like the hat and fucking huge is good for those times I wear one, though I look like Dumb Donald, but she wants me to wear it in merely cold weather, too.
Thank you dropzone, for without your post I would not have learned the word “jeremiad” (which I will use at the first available opportunity). Perhaps the thanks go to your wife!
That’s the funniest thing I’ve read since before Christmas. I’m LOL’ing and coughing over here.
“head fat”…wheeeeeze
My wife is a Green Bay Packers fan, so by marriage so am I. It’s no big deal, I didn’t have a team that I cheered for and she supports my baseball team so it’s all good. My wife has bought me some shirts and other gear that I wear on game day. There is one thing, however, that I said I would never wear–a cheesehead. They are the dumbest things in the world and makes everyone who wears one look foolish.
So of course my BIL’s bitch wife gets me a cheesehead. But not just any wedge shaped cheesehead. No, it’s a top hat shaped cheesehead. My in-laws made me put it on. Then they took pictures. It was so humiliating. I’ve been afraid to show my face in public since.
She’s extremely funny, though I prefer not being on the receiving end. Friends wanted her to meet the Belushis (local boys, not yet famous outside the Western Burbs) but they were never at the same parties at the same time.
I think the next time my mother asks what I want for Christmas, I’ll ask for a $20 gift card from anywhere of her choosing. Because every year she gets me $20 worth of clothing that I end up donating straight to Goodwill. It’s like she thinks I’m either a teenaged girl who wants glittery bedazzled shit on the seat of my jeans or she thinks I’m an 50-year-old into animal prints (memo to Mommy: I’m not going to be ready for Stein Mart clothes for another 20 years, at least).
If I were truly selfless, I’d just tell her to save her money and not buy me any gifts. But I’m not truly selfless. I want to be able to open a present on Christmas morning just like everyone else and say, “This is fantastic!” and actually mean it. The only people who seem to know how to elicit this reaction out of me are my two wonderful sisters. My parents, though? Bless their hearts, but it seems like they don’t know me well.