So here I sit blubbering because my best friend (also read SO) has decided to decamp and return to his homeland and enter into an arranged marriage.
I always knew that this was a possibility, but not one I chose to think about.
To be fair, he always deferred to his parents and likely I should have seen the writing on the wall.
We had seven years together and I thought he had overcome this, to me, childish wish to please his parents.
I was wrong and now he has gone and I am sitting here crying.
This is so not a problem for anybody but me, but I just need to vent and to know if anyone out there has been through the same thing and what did you do.
King Bobo is sad beyond belief.
I’m sorry. I haven’t been through anything that heartbreaking, but it frustrates me sometimes to think about how our nature is to think we can change other people and make them into what we’d like to believe they are, even when we can’t.
I am almost coming to the one year anniversary of when the person I loved more than anything on this earth just left me with no where to go, no one to talk to, nothing…just…nothing.
I know that there nothing I can say to make it better, nothing I can say that makes sense. “Other fish in the sea”, “Darkest before Dawn”, and “God works in mysterious ways” don’t cut it; they just fuel the anger. For all intents and purposes saying “Sorry” is even empty…yeah you mean it…but who cares? I know that you are going to have to fight that damned and incessant hope. “Maybe she will return, see the error of her ways, come back to me”. God, it’s always there…the hope. That horribly conflicting feeling of wanting it to happen, and knowing it won’t…which do you follow? You don’t know…you can’t.
I know nothing I say will take away the pain, quell the fear, and soothe the hurt…all I can say is.
I’m so sorry. Not the same circumstances but I ‘lost’ my first real, long-term boyfriend (nearly 4 years) and best friend to events out of my control, and I felt awful and lamented the lost time and how I could ever find someone like him again.
These days I’m married to a man who’s my best friend and a true, loving partner; we’ve been together for 20 years and married over half of that time period.
I’m not promising you that, but I do promise you that you don’t need to be involved with someone who’s that tied up in needing to please his parents. My husband has some degree of that, but just enough independence to tell them to bug off when needed - he did marry me, for one thing, and lately he’s told his dad he doesn’t want any contact without an apology for the guy’s latest stunt. (We haven’t heard from him for weeks; it’s been wonderful for both my husband and I.)
You need time to heal. Whatever it takes to get through that, even if it’s feeling out your anger about how he could make that choice, just go with that for now. You’ll make it through this, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re having this loss. It really is amazing how we can be so subceptible to doing what is expected of us rather that what we know to be right. I hope you bounce back from this quickly. The pain does heal over time, hard to believe as it is.
Never got the whole ‘arranged marriage’ thing. I know its a matter of culture, but, really, it’s 2009. Aren’t we able to choose our own mates by now?
If pleasing his parents was more important than staying with you, you’re better off without him. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s going to suck any less as you have to go through the process of getting over him. :\
Ack. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. And yeah, he does not deserve you if he would do this. I know it’s hard to believe now, but one day you will realize it.
And it’s going to suck for awhile. You’ll go through a grieving process for the relationship, but it will get better. Try to take of yourself and do something fun for yourself. Particularly if it was something he didn’t care for. One of the good things about being single is that you can do what you want without worrying about such things.
We’ve all been through it. I know how terrible it can feel.
I think – and IANAD – the worst thing you can do now is try not to feel the pain. Feel it, observe it, do not judge it, and just let it process. Over the next weeks or months, watch how it changes and evolves. And notice how you eventually come back to the land of the living.
I’m sorry that you are hurting so deeply. It is understandable. Seven years is a long time. The change will be painful for a while and there is no way around that pain. tdn is right – don’t try to bury the pain right away. Feel what you feel and cry.
But also try to do some little things every day to make you feel better: go for a walk, spend time with a friend, listen to soothing music, take lots of showers or baths. Do nice rituals for yourself.
You will survive this. You will feel good things again although you can’t see that now because the pain of loss just takes your breath away. We know.
This is the deepest, darkest depression I have ever had. I let it spiral out of control without taking action after seeing the warning signs. This is always a terrible time of year, but this one is far worse.
And now my relationship to the girl I thought I truly, truly loved is over after a rocky period of a few months. That in itself would normally be hard to get through, but dealing with it now is more than I bare.
I have not really slept in 2 weeks. My heart races constantly with panic and prevents me from sleeping, then when I do, I awake a few hours later in the same state.
I posted something about it last week. I never got to the doctor, but drank instead. Passing out from drink does not give the same needed sleep as real sleep.
I’m sitting here writing this and shaking and wanting to cry … or do something to feel better. Now I must go to work, a place that reminds me of her.
Logically, I know I will get through this. I know that she was not right for me and I will find another. But emotionally, this is absolutely the worse time I have ever had.
Anyway, feels good to write. I am sober again and plan to call the doc this morning. I so hope to get over this. I finally cried. I guess that’s a start.
Thank you indeed to all of you very kind souls who have taken of your time to comfort me. Your compassion is accepted with thanks.
To those who have shared similar stories of loss; I thank you also and I cry with you for your pain.
While I may never understand why this man chose to treat me as he did, at least I can know that I am not alone. It makes me think that I was not such an unworthy person that I should have been treated so badly.
I am going choose to to be strong and move on from this. It is so hard, but I have to believe I CAN DO IT.
Again, my thanks for your thoughts - it really does help.
He did it because he was human. Some of us are lucky to have good families; some have families who seek to control their lives even when they’ve grown to be adults themselves. Of the latter, some are able to break away, but some cannot sacrifice that connection, and choose to stagnate and return to what is comforting and familiar instead of grow into being their own people with control of their own lives. You just got stuck holding the short end of the Cultural Status Quo and Familial Pressure stick.
It’s going to suck for a good while, but it will get better. Day by day, week by week, month by month. There will come a time when you notice, “I haven’t thought about him all day.” Then, “I haven’t missed him for a week.” Eventually you’ll get to the point where you will only think of him once in a while, and when you do think of him, it won’t be painful. You’ll be happy for the good times, but grateful things ended when they did, in such a way that revealed why it was best you were no longer tied to this person.
