He told you he cant get counseling with you regarding this because his excuse is he wont get a security clearance for a job?:dubious:
He sounds like my ex. He’s immature. He may or may not ever grow up.
That’s not the reason that he won’t get counseling, but it was a concern for him. I’m currently looking for someone for him to see (he’s working, he works 7 days a week nearly 90 hours a week for 1/4-1/2 the year.
I’ve heard the cow/milk verbiage before in the past. I just worry I’m the one being selfish. I mean, why is it alright for him to bend when it comes to MY wants and needs?
I agree that I should be on the house as soon as I’m able to equally contribute and I will certainly bring that up.
I don’t think I give myself enough credit.
I do have a friend with the same feelings. He doesn’t feel that marriage is important to him or means much to him, but if his future girlfriend finds it important and he feels she is the one he wants to be with, he’ll marry her FOR HER.
I guess I don’t see why he doesn’t WANT to even if it’s not important to him. I can see it not mattering to him, but blatantly not wanting to just sends red flags up for me.
I guess I just wanted to see what others thought about it.
Thanks guys!
OP, he sounds like he is full of excuses…btw, please for the love of God tell us you didnt actually believe his “security clearance” excuse…I say you need to turn the tables on him and test him out by giving a few excuses of your own. He wants sex? You tell him sorry, but your boss is old fashioned and if he or she finds out you two are having premarital sex you might not get a promotion or fired. Come up with your own excuses whenever he wants something for his selfish self,and you will see tge real him come out. Sorry but he is just wanting all the benefits with no comitment on his part. I also dont know if I believe his excuse why your name cant.be on the house, and all his other excuses. Imo, he has run outta excuses. Issue your own excuses and get out so you can find a real man
The financial situation aside, him not necessarily wanting to get married is a perfectly valid position. You need to protect yourself legally and financially, and marriage can be a good way to do that.
But, like him, I don’t want to get married either. I’ve been in a committed relationship for nearly 12 years and see no reason perform a little ceremony in which I am treated as property.
Frankly, I don’t see why you wanting to get married is any more valid than him not wanting to get married. To me your wishes just sound like silly girly wedding drivel. You have a great relationship, so celebrate it in a way you both support, rather than pushing to have it your way. And get your financial situation sorted in a way you both support too.
Can you go to a lawyer or notary together and get the practical/financial side of everything drawn up? If he says no to that as well, then you know where you stand.
This. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything else, unless you can afford to lose virtually all your property if it comes to moving out. Bring all your financial records with you. Have you been writing out a check for half the mortgage payments, or doing something else that can serve as documentation that you’ve been contributing to home ownership?
Bolding mine.
This should be the #1 issue at the forefront of your mind. I live with my boyfriend/partner. He owned the house, I moved into it with him. After 6 months, when we were sure it was permanent, we took the steps necessary to ensure that, if one of us died or if we broke up, the other would be financially secure. That meant making out wills in favor of one another, refinancing the house so that we could be joint tenants, life insurance, an unofficial agreement as to how to divide things if we ever separate, etc.
We are not financially dependent on one another (we each have our own income and assets; I am probably the wealthier of the two), but it is foolish to ignore the legal consequences that death or a breakup would have when you are living interdependent lives.
If he doesn’t care what would happen to you in the event of his death, and expects to be able to just kick you out without compensation for all the money you spent on an asset that is solely in his name (the house) in the event of a breakup, then he doesn’t love you. If he claims it’s just fear/immaturity and he can’t get over it in order to make sure you are secure, then he doesn’t love you. That is the very bottom line.
You do not need to be able to contribute equally in order to own a share of the house. You could own a percentage of the house that is equivalent to what you are able to contribute. It’s called “tenancy in common.”
He is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him do it.
Some people just don’t want marriage, even though they’re fine with living together and sharing everything. You need to decide what you really want out of marriage and whether you can get those needs without it. If it’s just for the piece of paper, then do you really need that or can you get by without it?
If what you want is that everything is joint and you don’t need to worry about accounts, taxes or being able to do or that thing that being married gives you, then tell him that’s what you need. If he isn’t willing to make sure all or most of the accounts are joint, your name is on the title, and both of you are taken care of and safe via paperwork, then that’s a red flag.
You need to talk to him in depth about your future and your needs. If he sees you two together as a couple and living together as a couple, and raising kids together, with all the protection that entails with or without marriage, then maybe that’s enough. But if you don’t get marriage and you want the legal protections that marriage automatically gives you, and he doesn’t want those things or shies away from that level of commitment, it’s again a red flag.
There’s nothing wrong with what you are feeling. You are at a crossroads and you need to decide what you really want and whether you are getting it from your boyfriend. People have broken up over less. It sounds like you are in a bit of limbo with the house and other financial stuff and that would make anyone uncomfortable. You are right to at least want some closure on that.
Yeah, this.
I mean, I used to think “but it’s just a piece of paper” - but really, marriage is an automatic conveyance of rights (and responsibilities) that it takes a ton of lawyer work to even attempt to recreate. He may not get this now, but at least making steps towards getting you on a proper footing in financial and other matters may make him realize the importance of figuring out your situation.
I predict he will manage to have some excuse as to why this isnt a good idea. Maybe he will say he is allergic to contracts, or he needs some time, or its raining out…trust. He will cough up some story as to why its not a good idea
Him thinking marriage is too “adult”, yet you two are living together owning a house (but apparently not together), definitely raises a big red flag.
The clearance thing isn’t some made up excuse. Other people fear it too. Can Counseling Complicate Your Security Clearance? : NPR
And some men have trouble letting go of their youth. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t the guy for you, dude is only in his late twenties. He may see marriage as a later in life thing. He may be ashamed that he can’t buy you the big wedding you want. He may just not see it as important, and not want to spend even a few thousand on it.
And throwing away a good relationship because some interweb busybodies tell you to drop the zero and get a hero, would be very shitty. Good relationships are vanishingly rare, and should be preserved.
This. And so much more. As I re read the op, and highlighted points such as this I have felt even more alarmed. This is a really bad case of a guy giving you the biggest bs lines in order to satisy himself. He is not “adult” enough? Tell him you agree and that its time for you to move out and meet an adult. What a jerk. Sorry. Men like this are just full of it. If he is not an adult by now, I strongly believe this whole thing will crumble. Maybe not this second but you are wanting some type of comitment and he has an excuse for every damm thing. Do yourself a favor, tell him you agree that he is not yet STILL an adult, so you will be leaving to hopefully find a grown up bonafude adult man. You will end up resenting his sorry self if you keep investing all your time,money, body and heart and soul into him because he does not invest likewise,he just takes
Another thing you really need to consider before you go on about getting married: children.
Are you both in agreement with that?
It seems to me that if you do get him to commit to you, you will hear the same excuses (v 2.0) regarding children.
Can someone explain why we’re jumping to beat up on the boyfriend, accusing him of taking advantage and demanding the OP get her name on the deed, because I feel like I’m having a stroke trying to understand it.
According to the OP, he’s a relatively successful guy who was financially secure enough to buy a house in his early mid-twenties. She contributed an unspecified amount to closing costs and the on going bills, which he is primarily financially responsible for (I take that as in “pays the lions share of”, not just “is legally responsible for”). We have no idea how much these unspecified amounts are, but from her phrasing (she contributes too) and seeing how she says her business (a venture which he fully funded) is just now starting to move in the direction of being financially successful I can’t imagine it was a great deal. And yet he’s taking financial advantage of her?
Don’t be like my friend who lived with the guy for 26 years, worked fulltime for him with all income going to the household, had his kids and ended up with nothing…no common law spouse law in the state.
Crawlspace, are you sure you read tge same post we did?
If it makes you feel any better
The couple next door have lived there for 20+ years and have 3 (now adult) children.
The only way we ever knew they weren’t married was when their then 8 year old daughter came over to tell us that her parents were getting married. She was so excited.
I don’t know or care why they never married before then, none of my business.
The point is, just because he isn’t ready to marry now doesn’t mean he never will be.
Then again I knew another couple who lived together for seven years, she finally talked him into getting married and 6 months later they had a very ugly nasty divorce.
I knew another couple lived together for years, got married, got divorced for financial reasons but continued to live together. She swore she would never marry him again because he treated her better when they were living together (not the first time I heard that comment). She got pregnant, they got married, few years later they had a very ugly nasty divorce.
The point being, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.