you mean, a slave...:(
This is the sentence that stuck out at me in the OP. I can believe—though I certainly don’t know for sure—that his reluctance to get married really is simply a reluctance to grow up, or a reluctance to do something grown up when he doesn’t feel like a grown-up. Even if that is what the problem is, though, I don’t know what to tell you to do about it. Does he have any good adult male married role models in his life?
Much of this actually reminds me of the situation my wife and I found ourselves in a couple years ago (similar ages, similar stage of relationship, and similar reasons/excuses why it hasn’t happened yet).
I really didn’t want to get married. Ever. I completely preferred the idea of being a totally committed couple, but didn’t feel the need for the ring or the ceremony or the hoopla.
The impetus of our marriage was totally pragmatic: I got a new job, it had great insurance benefits, and I wanted her to be able to afford preventative care and dental work. Just a year prior, we’d been so poor that she lived with a throbbing broken tooth for more than three months before we could afford to have it pulled.
The minute I stood on stage in front of my family and put the ring on her finger, though, marriage started to really, really mean something to me. The cynicism washed away, and I was completely overwhelmed when I realized that I was looking into the same stormy blue eyes I would (Athe willing) be looking into forty years hence.
This isn’t to say he’s going to come around / be what you need, but don’t believe the folks who want to say, “if he ain’t put a ring on it already, he ain’t going to” or “at this point, he’d only be doing it to appease you and it won’t mean anything to him.” That really can change…in my case, instantly. Ceremonies are powerful; as an irreligious introvert, it’s easy to forget that.
Talk to him. Tell him, explicitly, that you want to get married. Tell him that you want to take a big step forward in life with him.
Its irrelevant if tgere are any role models inthe mans life…he sounds like he is playing her like a fiddle. He has an excuse for every occasion…the one about the security clearance was my personal favorite. Somehow he can live with her but not allow her name on anything. Then he is not “adult” enough for saying “i do” but on the other hand takes everything else. then the op wants to just go to counseling with him and tada, hes got that covered too…you know how counseling for couples is a security issue. Argh. I hope the op will issue a couple good excuses of her own
I’m guessing you didn’t read my link about the security clearance thing?
Perhaps “taking advantage” is not quite the way most people would think of it. Let me explain it differently.
He has cleverly manipulated her into a situation in which he holds all the financial power. (For example, note how he convinced her she couldn’t qualify for a mortgage.) He owns the home they live in, and she doesn’t even have an income that isn’t dependent on his financial goodwill. If he wanted to, he could make her homeless and jobless in a day (probably, depending on how her “business” is set up).
I saw enough as a divorce lawyer to know that nobody sets up the power dynamic in a relationship this way by accident. It’s on purpose. Now he has all the power. It’s a fair bet that the real reason she’s fixated on getting married is that she knows she has no financial security at all in her current situation; marriage would provide her some rights and claims she doesn’t currently have.
She probably feels she does not even have the option of leaving him, because even her job is tied to him. This relationship has to work out, or she’s screwed.
If you love someone, you care about their well-being. She says he has made no provision for her well-being in the event of his death (nevermind a breakup). The bare facts show that he wants her totally dependent on him and his whims, and doesn’t care enough to provide a safety net.
I’m in a similar position. If my partner came to me and said, “I need a job, why don’t you give me the seed money to start me in a business of my own,” I would say no, unless I could afford to give him the money as a gift. Why? Because I don’t want to wield that kind of power over my life partner, and I don’t want him to have no job security in the event our relationship ends. It would be bad for him, and because I love him, it would be bad for me.
The OP’s partner has no such qualms. IME, that is an alarmingly bad sign.
It’s not that he is not ready to commit - it’s that he isn’t ready to commit to you.
None of us know either of the people involved, or what their real feelings and motivations are, but I’ll say this, the quoted post above is very likely paranoid horseshit.
This with emphasis on the word alarmingly
A great deal of it is that no matter what amount the OP is contributing to the purchase and upkeep of the house, she has no legal right to it at all. NONE. Not half, not a proportion commensurate with her contribution, NONE. Because he told her it was a bad idea for her to be on the loan. He hasn’t written a will leaving her any share in the house, and he’s got a ton of excuses for not getting married, which are the two easiest, cheapest ways to protect her investment in their mutual home. If something goes pear-shaped, she can be fucking homeless as quickly as him (or his next of kin) saying, “Get off my property.” And she will have no recourse at all.
That’s a horrible position for someone to be in, and anybody with an ounce of sense can see that. That the boyfriend in this situation doesn’t acknowledge this is a bad situation means one of three things. 1) He is too damn dumb to understand why this is a shitty position to be in. 2) He’s smart enough to understand this is bad if he thinks about it, but he’s too self-absorbed to think about it. 3) He knows this is bad, but either actively engineered this situation out of assholery aforethought or doesn’t care enough about her to give a damn if she’s in a bad situation. Any way you look at it, he comes out looking like a pretty shitty star to be trying to hitch your wagon to, ya know?
OP, you need to consider very, very carefully whether you even truly want to be with this guy before you move on to considering how long you’re willing to be the live-in girlfriend. Do you want to be with someone who considers being “adult” a bad thing? Do you want to have kids? If so, will that ever be an option with this guy, or will that forever be too adult? Are you okay with him never making a will because it’s too adult/something old people do? Are you willing to always be the only one looking out for your interests because he can’t be arsed to worry about whether or not you have health insurance or a life insurance policy on him or even any rights to the roof over your head if something happens to him?
I’m not saying you should immediately dump him, but at the very least, you need to have a long, serious talk about what an untenable situation you’re in, and if marriage is off the table, what other options are feasible for giving you some security. If nothing else, his response will help inform your thinking about whether and how long you’re willing to wait for him.
Very much so...
Maybe marriage, as an institution, does not appeal to him, and he is becoming more and more aware of it now that it is imminently upon him.
How about you, beyondimagination07? Have you seriously considered any alternative to marrage, as far as how your love life might possibly be structured?
We live in a world where marriage is presented to us as an inevitable “next thing” much the same way that you go to 6th grade after 5th grade.
I would not categorize the guy as “afraid of commitment” or any of the nastier things that have been tossed out there. There’s nothing inevitably right about marriage and it’s GOOD for him to give it careful consideration. You want him to rush into it and have regrets later?
I say try to work things out with him if you can. You need to clearly and firmly tell him how important marriage is, and ask him to marry you. If he refuses, recommend some time apart, a separation or a break, if you will. I think this will give him a chance to “grow up” if that’s really his problem. It will also give you a chance to reflect on things and see if marriage is really as important to you as it seems right now. Maybe it won’t be him but you that has a change of heart, and decides to be happy with the status quo.
I don’t believe that couples will always benefit from a temporary break up, but if the fundamentals are strong, you both feel a lot of love for one another, you aren’t constantly bickering, then I think a break to reassess can be helpful for both of you.
But I don’t think you should just dump him entirely or give him an ultimatum “marriage or bust.”
Read the op carefully…its not a simple matter that he isnt ready for marriage…theres somthing alot more serious and concerning than that
(my bold)
Monocle flies off What?? What sort of evil Twilight Zone have I been transported to? :eek:
I would never ask a man to marry me if only because he might say yes and then where would I be??
I guess one of two places..either standing at the altar or coming up with some type of a story as to why you cant get married after all (could borrow op boyfriend excuse that its just too adult )
You’d be out of the Old Maid column, and firmly in the Honest Woman category.
Glad to be of service!
A lot of the respondents here and I must be reading different OPs re the perfidy of the SO. He was essentially correct about the mortgage loan re her being on the application not helping particularly if she had no job. His concern about psychological therapy potentially impacting his security clearance if it becomes required is not a completely irrational fear. He apparently extends himself quickly and willingly for whatever it is she needs or wants re money and support for her business ventures. He pays the lions share of the bills.
Ok… well…
He’s just not a big fan of getting married.
*OK that’s it! He’s Beelzebub incarnate! *
Having said all this you guys have been together a looong time for a young couple. Based on your ages and the dates you gave it (8 years together) sounds like you started going together when you were 17 or 18 and he was 19 or 20. If he is truly undecided at this late date IMO there’s a deeper issue going on and I’m going to hazard a guess re what it is if I put myself in his position.
You guys have spent the virtual entirely of your young dating lives with one another. Where most young twenty somethings have met and had relationships with a variety of people during this time it’s been just you two. I’m sure he loves you, but there is probably a nagging doubt in this mind that he has not experienced what there is to experience re girls and dating and seeing other people. All he has had in front of him (and vice versa) for 8 years since the age of 19 has been you, and this gives him pause. He would never tell you this for fear of hurting you, but I would bet it’s major part of his reluctance to commit to marriage at 28.
yes, it must be a different post your reading than most of us here. :dubious: