This and all the dozens of other similar replies I agree
No, but you are the brilliant mind that suggested using sex as a passive aggressive weapon.
You also state your opinions as According to Hoyle facts. Opinions that are based on nearly no information at all. And you’re so invested in your inability to be wrong you defend those proclamations.
You’re just pretending you have total knowledge about their relationship. And if the OP were to take your advice, she’d be making a potentially life shattering decision based on the random whim of someone who has a minimal understanding of her situation.
Also, “alot” isn’t a word.
The fact that even HE thinks the dynamic is somewhat abusive should tell you something. He knows things are unequal in your situation and wants to do nothing to change that, financially or emotionally.
As for saying he’d like to “at least go to some counseling first” - sounds like a stalling tactic, not a step. He’s not saying “let’s go to counseling and then get married” he’s saying “let’s do this other thing first, and then maybe I’ll think about getting married.” He well may find lots of other things he needs to do “first.”
I moved to Singapore to be with my SO when I was nearly 30. The first week I arrived, we went to the bank, put me on his account and got a supplemental Amex card in my name. I honestly felt weird about him supporting me, but we both knew I was making a big sacrifice to move there and we didn’t know how long it might take for me to find work.
14 years later, we are married with 2 kids and I no longer work or have a career. My choice - I want to be home with my kids. I no longer contribute financially in any way, but I contribute to a huge degree in every other way. We are PARTNERS. We are equal owners of the house and the cars. You two have been together a long time and your lack of shared ownership in anything would be a huge concern to me.
Lobohan,
Nobody here including you on the thread has “total knowledge” of her situation, clearly she stated the facts, and many of us chimed in with concern, Im just one of many, anyone who reads the thread can see that.
the comment i made was tomgue in cheek, to point out the absurdity of his excuse (that he cant get married because it feels “too adult” )
All of this is so true…i hadd the exact same hunch about the counseling, that its a stalling tactic and he will stretch it out forever.
I think any agreement for premarital counseling should have a strict time limit on it, such as three or six months followed by getting married, rather than a long undetermined amount of time spent exploring feelings ad nauseum as a stalling tactic.
That. A thousand times that. OP’s posts are sending up all sorts of red flags, and it doesn’t seem like her SO’s first priority is her long-term well being.
If you have to get someone to go to counseling, not to make sure you are both on the same page re marriage, but rather to get them to *want *to marry you at all I think you need to step back and take a look at the big picture.
This is the best advice. I can’t believe people are advocating she dump him. We have ZERO first hand knowledge of the situation.
A question for you about how you perceive giving advice: Let’s say a poster had a significant other that is a great person, holds a good job, never been in trouble with the law, even has a cute smile, and, oh yeah, almost forgot this point, uses methamphetamine on the weekends. The poster asks if others would be concerned about the relationship.
Would your advice be that as long as everything is fine, not to worry about the drug use? Because it seems like you’re being overly critical of those who interpret the facts that are on the table to identify warning signs that the poster seems to be glossing over.
I can’t tell you how true this is. Once I did finally break up with my boyfriend of six years I met somebody else and I am so much happier now. (We got married in October.) Every so often I still find myself surprised when he acts like what he is - a guy totally in love and totally committed. It’s like picking up a Coke can that you thought was full and it’s empty and you almost hit yourself in the face with it - what, you mean you’re just going to go to my mom’s Christmas party with me and we won’t have a fight?
We have never yet actually had a real fight. Semi-heated discussions but not a fight. I fought all the time with my ex.
If I may channel Dan Savage–DTMFA
I’ve read all the arguments. I’ve thought on it.
and I come back to DTMFA
If he really wants you, he’ll come back. Though on your side it sound more like you want a wedding and not a marriage.
So, a 28 year old who isn’t financially secure is hesitant to get married, and chronic, weekly meth use, are equal in your mind?
The trouble is, that each of the armchair Dr. Phils in the peanut gallery here are pulling a Sherlock Holmes routine where they hear a fragmented story, latch on to the facts that support their biases and, “Elementary, my dear, OP. Drop that zero and get ones-self a hero, as it were!”
I don’t know if he’s a good guy or not. I don’t know if they’re really in love. But I do know, that she represents their relationship as longterm, and emotionally fulfilling. And just because some angry cynics, who I’d remind you, have nothing whatsoever at stake, have decided that the OP’s SO is a creep based on a few keywords, doesn’t make their advice intelligent or insightful.
Mostly, I’m just pointing out that you lot on the “Dump him” side of the equation have next to no information, and will lose nothing if your advice destroys a good relationship. It’s easy to feel certain when it’s not your dollar on the table.
beyondimagination07, in what country do you and your BF live? I ask because marriage, in your situation, is the cultural norm in the US. Less so in other countries. So that is where the harsh judgment may come from.
Are people not entitled to read what someone posts and draw our own conclusions? The OP is free to add as many details as she feels prudent.
If a poster describes something that walks, talks, eats, and looks like a duck, others are free to point out that it is probably a duck. Just because you take exception to the conclusion that it is a duck, and you point out that nobody else is responsible for the care and feeding of the duck, does not negate the opinion of others that its a damn duck.
If you don’t feel qualified to offer advice, then don’t. That doesn’t mean that everyone else around you is obligated to close their mouths and shut off their minds when someone solicits views from other people. The OP asked for advice. We’re offering it. She’s free to disregard it, which seems to be the way she’s leaning.
Echoing Lobohan, the advice to dump him or poison him in his sleep or whatever it was is kind of rash.
I always find it pretty entertaining that whenever anyone asks for relationship advice on this board, invariably half the responses are variations of “dump him/her”. Saying shit like he doesn’t love you is easy because it’s not your problem. But I guess this message board (or any message board) would be pretty empty without people saying mean shit based on half-assed assumptions.
…and in some jurisdictions if you live long enough with someone acting like a married couple but not legally one, you can still recover some of the stuff, even if it’s in his name. You might need kids for a court to recognize it though. Meh. Either way the whim of a jury should not be something you want to rely on.
On that note evensven’s advice seem’s fairly sturdy in that you should have some emergency money. Romantic relationships have the potential go very bad very quick and adjusting emotionally would be hard enough without having to realize that you have nothing that belongs to you.
BUT if you really want him to marry you, poke some holes in your condoms or “forget” to take your birth control pills.
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Heh just kidding. Don’t do that. For obvious reasons, I hope…
To continue your metaphor, you have information amounting to, “I saw something walking.” and you are standing on a table screaming, “It’s a DUCK! A DUCK!”
As I say, you are basing your advice on practically no information, and then stating your opinions as absolutes. I hope the OP does disregard it, because if any of you are right, it is completely by accident.
Humans are more complex than many of those posting in this thread think. And jumping to wild conclusions with next to no evidence isn’t worthy of a board that seeks to fight ignorance.
This thread made me wander down memory lane a little.
I was two years ahead of my husband (then boyfriend) in university. So, I went off and got a job and a car while he was still in school. We saw each other at least every weekend (he was an hour away so weeknights were possible, too). We ‘talked’ every day (even if it was just email or IM).
What we discovered over the course of those two years apart was that we didn’t want to be apart. Ever. Our lives were completely intertwined in a way that was wonderful. We were in love but that wasn’t it. It was something more. We were on the same team. It was us against the world!
So, we went out and told the world by getting married. Whether we had that piece of paper or not, we were in a marriage. We were a partnership. Our whole was much greater than the sum of our two halves.
My point here is that it doesn’t sound like you are intertwined in that way. In the way that he wants to share everything in his life (emotionally and financially) with you.
It made me think about what I would have done if my husband hadn’t felt the same way. If he didn’t want to get married. I would have kicked his ass to the curb. I would have found someone who wanted to be my partner.
You asked for advice and you have seen a lot of it above. Mostly saying to get rid of him. I think I would take a middle ground. I think it is time for you to get yourself in order. He doesn’t want to be permanently entangled with you so you need to find a way to stand on your own two feet. You don’t have to break up, but I think you do need to move out. Find a tiny apartment somewhere that is all yours. Fill it with things you love. Stop cooking and cleaning for him. Start doing things for you. How can you love someone else when you don’t seem like you love yourself?
They really aren’t. If you want to study polar bears, you don’t need to study every single polar bear and make every one out to be as unique as precious snowflakes. Study a limited population of polar bears, and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what polar bears act like.
This quote really made me smile. I don’t know why.
I’ve read through a lot of this thread, and I agree with both sides of the argument.
8 years is long enough to decide what you want. However, it may be that he has a genuine aversion to commitment of any type.
The only input I can give is trust your gut. If something always feels off, then it’s not going to change once he finally decides to marry you. Maybe this whole relationship has been a learning experience and you’ve gained a friend for life. Just please, if the relationship does end, don’t consider it a waste of your time. You wouldn’t be who you are right now if it weren’t for him.
+1 x 1,000,000
From reading the OP, it seems to me, that you are bending over backwards… literally ripping up the floor… to make this guy love you. You want him to recognize you; to really see all the things that you do for your boyfriend. His response was, “but I don’t ask you to do those things.” 
:mad:
Get your own place. Get a job to supplement your new venture, so that you are earning a living wage. Get your shit together. He will either realize what he has been missing this whole time, or he won’t. But don’t drag this out any longer. He will continue to take you for granted if you let him.
But I do agree with some of the other posters in that, really, you guys are kids. It is ok to not want to be married in your 20’s. And things may change down the road. You have been living for this guy since you were a teenager. Start living for yourself for a bit.