Does anyone experience this with boys 8-14 years old?
I experience this from time to time with people of all ages and both genders, but it seems that young teen boys down to like second grade boys react the most negatively to eye contact.
I never stare, just do that typical 3 second glance as with everyone. When I was a kid it would lead to namecalling and sometimes even fights. As an adult, they tend to make mean faces and whisper stuff to themselves. Yesterday, I was driving home and glanced at this 13 year old boy shooting hoops in his driveway. When he noticed, he made a fist and punched in the air toward my direction and stared me down…even when I passed and looked out my rearview mirror, he was still starring.
I know guy to guy, it’s a dominance thing. But I am female, and shocked that they aren’t actually happy about about recieving the female attention.
I’ve lived this horribly out in high-school, to the point that I stopped looking at fellow classmates, and pretty much felt very alone and don’t remember any faces of classmates. Being on the receiving end of it is devastating.
Boys, and girls too, should be taught that direct eye contact and a smile is the way to go. A couple of cultural groups think it’s wrong, but that’s their problem.
I’m well aware that inner-city blacks, hate for people to look at them, regardless of age and gender.
But I’m talking about suburban white boys here.
Well, regardless of age/race/gender…my next question is WHY? Why is a little eye contact so threatening for some people? I cannot relate to this at all.
The 3 second rule is interesting. I was taught by one of my therapists to look people in the eye up to 3 seconds with a smile, to show people you are friendly.
Typically if someone looks you in the eyes for more than a glance of acknowledgment, they are showing some kind of interest in you. This interest may be good or bad.
My guess is that young boys may think that you are watching them and judging them. Either they may be up to something and thus wary, or think that you are watching them to see if they are being bad.
I think kids learn pretty young that smiles can quickly turn to frowns. You may smile at first, but if you hold the gaze, you may find a reason to change mood on them.
I would do the three-second thing with people you’re directly interacting with - shop clerks, someone asking you something, etc. Hold the gaze for up to three seconds, glance down/to the side, look at something they’re showing you, look back at their eyes, etc.
Young males often react like that for the same reason dogs and gorillas do. They use eye contact as a form of challenge, dominance and to establish a pecking order. They get used to feeling hostility when eye contact is made and they learn to stand their ground and show hostility in order to avoid showing weakness and submissiveness, which could paint them as a designated victim.
If you spend your youth years like that, you can end up making the connection between eye contact and hostility even when it’s not warranted, such as when a woman is making eye contact. It took me until the age of 25 to feel comfortable making eye contact and I’m not the type who goes looking for fights.
The reason you can’t relate to it is because as a woman, you didn’t commonly have potentially/actually violent interactions with many immature morons overdosing on testosterone.
Diamond, to give you an idea of the undercurrent common in male-male interactions, here’s what happened when I went to a bar:
Nearly everyone involved was in their early 20s.
About half a dozen of us where playing pool and had been doing so for 1-2 hours.
Then another group of about half a dozen people approached us and said they wanted to have the table since we’d been playing for a while.
I remember that for a few seconds, no one in either group said anything and we all tended to look down. Everyone was aware of the possibility of violence in such circumstances. Even for something as unimportant as access to a pool table and even when it was clear they were right, we were all apprehensive. If the situation hadn’t involved young men, I don’t think there would have been anywhere near as much tension.
When my wife’s friends from Indonesia visit us in Southern California, I advise them of three things. Don’t tailgate when driving, don’t drive too slow when in the fast lane (speed up or get out of the lane), and don’t make eye contact with young men for more than a few seconds.
All of these things can be triggers to confrontational or even violent behaviour with men.
I thought this was going to be about contact lenses.
Anyways, I had a similar experience a few years ago. I just happened to look over at some guy on the sidewalk, and I could hear the ensuing grunt of “what” from inside the rolled-up windows, even though the car was moving at speed away from him.
Isn’t it just due to the crippling self-consciousness that most adolescents suffer from? From what I remember from being a teenager my friends and I did everything possible to stop people looking us in the face - long hair left down, hoods, caps with the brim pulled down, etc, etc. It’s a horrible time in terms of self-image, so you just don’t want to be looked at.
From what I see of teens and how they present themselves, things don’t seem to have changed much.
Sorry for the ‘hijack’.
Excuse me but I must be missing something here. I’ve spent some time (Way too much, actually. But that’s a different story.) in a lot of different bars, in a lot of different towns/cities.
If y’all were playing on a ‘quarter’ table, then it’s up to the other persons to challenge and ‘win’ the table. Why was there any tension?
Unless y’all had a shit load of quarters stacked up in order to try and ‘hog’ the table, I really don’t see what the ‘issue’ could have been.
Care to clarify the incident a little better, for me?
The kid in your story continued to stare at your car as you drove away, wonder what the hell you had been staring at him for. You stared, he stared back. 13 year boys are used to people glaring at them because they don’t like having teenaged boys around. A boy is instantly suspected of mischief any time he isn’t working or with an adult. So, it isn’t necessarily a domance thing, it could be a simple sick-and-tired of being glared at like a criminal thing.
Where I’m from this still applies no matter your age between men. It’s ok to stare for a couple of seconds but if it’s prolonged. You’re either going to get a “what’s your problem” a stared down, or worse.
LMAO! Wha, what?! Where, pray tell, did you pick up that little nugget of ghetto wisdom?? Wow, funny stuff. I am at a loss for words. I can’t believe nobody else said anything about this yet.
To the OP; you must look pretty bizarre when you are in places where lots of people congregate/come and go. I’m trying to picture you in a mall food court, trying to look every person you see in the eye for a full three seconds. It’s pretty funny.
Three seconds is WAY too long for someone you are not approaching in a friendly manner and do not plan to. When directed at a stranger at a distance, a continuous 3-second look is “staring.” When you look for three steady seconds at a person on the street that you are not approaching, you are communicating that there is something strange and stare-worthy about them. Your look is saying “hey weirdo!” Unsurprisingly, the reaction is “fuck you and your opinion, stranger.”
How long it is appropriate to look at a stranger – much like how close it is appropriate to stand to a stranger – is a cultural feature with much variation, even within the US. Maybe 3 seconds is fine in Kansas City, but it’s a hell of a long look in New York City.
Wow, funny stuff. I am at a loss for words. I can’t believe nobody else said anything about this yet.