I have this friend who with her 1 year old girl is trying to teach her to “look them in the eye” when the girl is talking to people. Citing reasons that it will help her later on in school (because school age children do not look at teachers) and socially. I understand where she is coming from, but frankly, I’m cringing.
This disturbs me on many levels:
The child is too young.
Everyone has a different personality and if this child is naturally shy, she will just withdrawl deeper into her hole because of the pressure. ( I know I would)
I think it is another effort of her mother and her love of micromanaging every fricking aspect of her life.
My husband, naturally, thinks this is a great idea and I am not sure if I hate the idea even more because this friend is his sister or because of the above stated reasons.
I think a child needs to develop this personality and self esteem at their own pace.
Oooh, Shirley, this is a toughie. I can completely understand where your SIL is coming from, but I can understand the kid’s point of view too. (Yeah, there, I’ve said it, I’ve got the mind of an infant)
When I was a child, it was physically painful for me to have too much eye contact with people. It’s hard to describe, it was just a way too intense feeling. To this day, I get uncomfortable with too much eye contact, and I absolutely can not look someone I dislike in the eyes. I’m not a shy or withdrawn person by any means, but I am very sensitive. Too much touching bothers me as well, I’m thinking this is part of my physical make up.
Personally, I think the best thing to do is to let the little girl go at her own pace. Certainly, they should bring this up to her pediatrician at her next check-up, but chances are she is just very sensitive and needs to feel comfortable with people. I know for me, it just makes it worse when people try to force things on me.
I agree that eye-contact is a good thing to teach, but I would not want to force a shy child. I think it would be better to make the recommendation, explain why it’s a good idea, and then let the child proceed at his/her own pace. Repeat as needed.
looking someone in the eye when being spoken to is great…shows you are paying attention, is polite and respectful…
I too am teaching my son to do this…of course, he is 4 yrs old.
but IMHO, 1 is too young, and she may get the opposite end result…she may force her daughter into painful shyness…my son is just starting to have an attention span longer than 15 seconds…have her ask her doctor for his opinion…
Having two kids myself, the youngest being 15 months, I can tell you that recommending and explaining are way way way beyond what kids this age can comprehend. I am not suggesting that you need to talk down to them either. You simply must set reasonable expectations tailored to their comprehension level. At 1 year old, they are just getting their developing minds around concepts such as: Sit, or Ball, or Walk, or even Up and Down. They are just learning the names of the objects and actions of the world around them.
Here is a suggestion. Observe your SIL. Does she speak to her child from a standing position or does she get down to her level and speak to her at her low altitude? You can imagine how intimidating a towering adult can seem to a 1 year old, even if it is the parent. Does she read to her, a lot? It’s important to have that kind of interaction with the child because these are the roots of language developement. Does she play/interact with the child and involve her in her daily chores or does she simply leave her in the chair? Kids need to know that they are an important and integral part of our every day lives.
I agree with what has been said here. Yes, there are times when a child needs to look an adult in the eye, but I feel that 1 is too young. Small babies intentionally break their gaze with people as a protective measure–they HAVE TO disengage because it’s too intense for their little nervous systems after a short while. I don’t know if that is still true at the age of 1, but I suspect that at this age they still need to be able to disengage. My 15-month old still can get overstimulated pretty easily.
Also, we’re teaching my son sign language, and the instructor who advocates this always says to CATCH your child’s eye when using a sign–he doesn’t say FORCE your child at look at you. And I’ll bet it’s for the same reasons.
I have seen some very effective discipline where a misbehaving child is told to look the adult in the eye during the verbal reprimand. But again, that’s with older toddlers that I’ve seen that done.
In some cultures, a child looking an adult in the eye is considered disrespectful. “Don’t you look at me like that!” The downcast eye is considered submissive. I heard this in regard to how teachers respond to children from different races, with the black “culture” being pointed out as being one in which this is true. The white teacher was admonished not to punish the black child for refusing to look her in the eye when he spoke to her, thinking him “sneaky” or “sly”; by his lights, he WAS being respectful.
Conversely, a black teacher was reminded not to think the white kid was dissing her when he gave her that “WASP culture” clear-eyed full and frank gaze, right into her eyes. “Don’t you stare at me like that!”
I don’t know if this is true or not, just a factoid floating around in my head that I read somewhere.
Shirley, IMO a one-year-old is too young to grasp what’s going on here. Age 4 is more likely to understand the niceties of body english. I’d say your friend has some control issues with her kid. In my experience, adults who demand, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” are adults who feel they have lost control of the situation, that the kid is ignoring them, which he probably is.
You say the mom is a micromanager anyway? Well, there you go.
My child rearing advice always seems to come down to this: teach by example. If you want to encourage your child to look you in the eye when he is speaking to you, then you need to do the same. You have to get down to his physical level and give him exactly the attention that you wish him to give others.
I don’t think it is at all surprising that children often take a long time to learn this skill. How often do parents talk to their children over their shoulder, or while walking past, or while engaged in some other activity? Of course, we do this all the time with other adults, when the conversation is about something inconsequential. And when it is important, we stop what we are doing, and give the person our full attention. The trouble is, few people assume that what children have to say is important.
I also have to say that forcing a child who is shy or uncomfortable to look one in the eye at all times is just plain cruel. With my own children, it is a useful way of making sure that they are paying attention. But I can think of one child in particular that I know who does not process verbal information well at all. If I want him to hear me, I have to touch him and maintain contact, and have him repeat what I said. But just forcing him to look me in the eye doesn’t help him.
I learned to look at peoples mouths – my father was almost totally deaf due to injuries from the Korean war. I still look at people’s mouths, I really have to work at it to look people in the eye. Children learn by watching their parents.
On a related note, this child is right in the middle of a critical formative period. Direct eye contact is required for proper development of certain higher functions like impulse control. There is a short window in life where the brain is capable of developing in response to this social input.
I think the best approach would be for the parents to spend as much time as possible looking into the childs eyes. Instruction by example, and healthy nurturing, both occuring naturally.
BTW, since I learned of this brain development thing, I make a special point of looking any young child directly in the eyes as much as possible.
I think 1 is too young to make the child look at people in the eyes.
I believe the child should be allowed to progress at her own pace. I’m in high school and still don’t like looking adults in the eye(I am painfully shy at times). It’s hard but I ahve to force myself to for some situations, such as interviews and such.
Shirley, I’m not sure how much influence you’ll have with your SIL (mine turned a deaf ear when I was against her teaching her sons to urinate outside wherever they felt the need) you probably don’t want to make this the ‘line’ you’d care to fight over, do you?
But, you * could * urge her to talk to her pediatrician (objective voice and she probably trusts them) about this idea. I’m sure the doctor will tell her this is much too young to force a child to do much more than speak up for what they need, without worrying yet about what the other person thinks of the performance. Good luck.
I really like the input here and the advice of Lead By Example is very good.
[rant]
Far be it for me to say anything to SIL because this is the person that decided ( after years of infertility and drug treatments and paying gobs of money for IVF) to drag an 8 week old infant on an international 3 week trip ( of which they were not visiting relatives or staying anywhere for more than two nights and back packing with 10 other people. A year after this trip , we occaisionally hear, " Oh yeah, remember when we were in the mueseum and the baby was sooooo grumpy…so crabby on the tour bus…she didn’t sleep that night…" They giggle about it. A $7500 trip. %(*&^ selfish morons… [/rant]
Basically, she is a good person, but her expectations for this Golden Child are not realistic. (She wanted to get a swingset for her baby’s 1st birthday, which I thought she was a little young for swinging, but not for the fun aspect, but because - get this - it’s good for brain developement. I just rolled my eyes at her and walked away.)
Letting her screw up her child is her business, just as warping my kids, are mine.
A little late on the bandwagon, here, but I’m really having trouble picturing how one would go about teaching this to a 1 year old. “Look me in the eyes when you say ‘Doodoodoodoo blopke.’” Which is about all my 13 month old says, with the exception of pointing at everything and saying “Dat?!”
I agree that etiquette lessons should come gradually and at the child’s own speed.
Indeed, looking someone in the eye is fairly important, but it’s sometimes a matter of preference. In teaching, I find that it’s mainly when a child is in trouble that the eyes shift (usually to the ground), either because they’re ashamed or they’re lying and trying to duck detection.
Of all the things a child should be taught at this age, eye contact does not rate very high on the list (if it makes it at all). A one-year-old is just barely developing personality and is just beginning to grasp basic understandings like object permanence. If eye contact is something this parent really wants to teach, MHO is to wait a year or two, when the child is more child than infant.
It also depends on the personality of the child. If he/she is naturally shy or introverted, this could drive them further inward. If they are extroverted, it may have no effect and could be learned effortlessly.
As in all things in teaching children, a great deal of what is appropriate and what approach is effective is dependent on the particulars of the child. Offering unsolicited parenting advice may royally piss off your friend, although in your OP it isn’t clear whether you were intending to say anything to her.
My conclusion is this–it may be a benign idea, it might be a great idea, it might be a terrible idea; this “lesson” she’s teaching is innately minor and in and off itself doesn’t seem a detrimental idea. It all depends on the child and the teaching technique of the parent.