I am so fucking angry right now. Last night I found out that a close friend of mine for the last 5 years killed himself a little less than two weeks ago.
We used to do everything together, Brandon and I.
We rode around in my little 85 Camry all day, hanging out and scrounging for cigarettes and porn mags.
Most people didn’t get along too well with Brandon, but I loved that kid. He would’ve done anything to help me out and make sure I stayed on my feet.
My parents sold him their Camaro a few years back and my stepdad had loosened the lugs (intending to sell the rims) and had forgotten to retighten them. We took the car for a spin and going 70 down the freeway, one of the front wheels flew off of the car. There were sparks everywhere and Brandon calmly pulled us to safety. He saved my life and two weeks ago, I wasn’t there to return the favor.
You see, two weeks ago this Sunday morning (about 4am) Brandon set up his webcam and hopped on IRC. He mentioned that “today is a good day” and made reference to a pharmacopia of drugs he’d intended to use. Listed among his stash was Klonapin, Inderal, Methadone, Restoril, Mersh (apparently low grade pot) and kind bud.
Brandon told me he stopped doing drugs a long time ago. Too many close calls, he said.
Brandon was a genius. He always had this grand ideas and schemes and was always fixing computers/cars/whatever. Brandon used the part of his brain normally reserved for common sense, for his genius.
Brandon lacked common sense and it was almost a running joke in our little circle.
Brandon lacked common sense, but we all thought he knew what he was doing all the same.
Two weeks ago this Sunday morning my Brandon took a small pharmacy-worth of depressants and saw the last morning he will ever see. He will never experience another sunrise, another kiss, another high. He will never again experience the extraordinary or the mundane. He will never call me up and ask me to give him a ride. He will never IM me for coffee and laugh off my hesitation to take time out of my “new” life to drive to his end of town. Brandon will never hear us telling him how much we love him through cracked whispers and tearful sobs.
Brandon sat in front of a webcam and died while a number of kids watched and cheered him on.
One of the kids who was cheering him to “eat more” has this to say when it becomes apparent that Brandon is probably not going to live through this:
[05:22] smoke2 k he might just be fucked up and not have stuff straight
[05:22] smoke2 k you could really fucking get him arrested
[05:22] smoke2 k damn this is hard call
[05:22] smoke2 k yall make it
[05:22] smoke2 k good night
[05:22] * Smoke2k has quit IRC (Leaving: )
I am so fucking angry with Brandon right now. I am so fucking angry with these people who all sat behind their computers and watched him die. I’m so fucking angry at myself for not being there and doing something to stop it. I’m so fucking angry at various forum posts I’ve seen concerning his case where he was dehumanized and called a “loser” or “pussy” or whatever. He made a terrible, terrible mistake… but that wasnt who he was. He had a heart of gold and would anything to help his friends. He was always reaching out to hold us up, even though we all knew he had his own issues to contend with.
He has an online memorial of sorts setup at http://www.dovee.org that links to the chat log. I don’t know why anyone would really want to see this. It took me several tries to choke my way through it, in between nausea and dizziness and hatred and pain and helplessness and love. I just had to know how it ended. I just wanted to know that someone told him he was a good boy before it all ended. I wanted to know that he didn’t feel alone when he died, I guess. I dont know what I needed, but I read it anyhow.
I’m sitting here shaking I’m so angry right now. Brandon, I love you and I miss you and I am so incredibly angry and hurt and lost and confused and I wish I just had one more chance to tell you how unalone you truly were.
Fuck, I miss you.
Those chat logs are horrible. I’m so sorry.