Break Room Pig Hunter

We’ve all seen Croc Hunter, right? Put on your best Austrailian accents, Dopers, because Ivy is about to introduce you to the Wild World of Break Room Pig Hunting!

For our first adventure, we are going to journey to the bowels of the bank that I work for. Our destination is the dank, dark netherland known as the Break Room. Note the habitat- this room contains space-age S-shaped tables, genuine Naugahyde couches, pickled-wood paneling from 1958, a kitchen-type setup, and a fantastic photographic mural whose 6 panels all seem to have been exposed to different amounts of sunlight. Yep, perfect habitat for a Break Room Pig! Listen close, you can here the footsteps coming down the hallway now. That step-shuffle pattern is typical of the Break Room Pig. Shh, she’s getting closer! Let’s sit at this table across from the door so we can get the best view of the Pig in her natural habitat.

While our specimen is unpacking her lunch, I am going to give you a little background. This Break Room Pig appears at first glimpse to be a normal human being, but upon closer examination of the grease smears, ketchup splotches, Pepsi stains and other foodstuff markings it’s fairly easy to distinguish her. The vocalizations, however, are the dead giveaway. You will see what I mean in a minute.

Now, we’re about to witness the foraging behaviour of the Pig. This is truly amazing, if somewhat disturbing. At the beginning of the meal, the Pig will open her mouth as wide as possible and stuff in literal handfuls of potato chips with each bite! Then, upon closing her mouth to chew, large quantities of crumbs will tumble down her face, leaving a greasy salt residue on the chin and chest. Fascinating, in a disgusting way! Doesn’t seem to bother her a bit, though. Now she’s going to drink… listen to that chugging sounds as she tips back the Pepsi. Audible for a several block radius, I’m told. When she lowers the drink, you will hear the characteristic AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sound- every single time she drinks- that is why this is one of several vocalizations that identify the Break Room Pig species. Here comes the sandwich… note again the distending of the jaws to take the largest bites possible. Usually the Pig can demolish a small sandwich in three bites or less. Hear that smacking noise as she chews with her mouth gaping open? It’s thought to be some sort of primitive call to the other members of the herd that indicates a source of food has been found. Apparently the display of her partially-masticated food during chewing is communicates the same thing. Avert your eyes if you have to, it is a rather grisly display! Listen for the characteristic belches after the sandwich has been consumed.

Finally, the Break Room Pig likes to engage in a rather unusual post-meal behavior, especially considering her apparently human, almost domesticated appearance. Here she goes- it’s the sinus ritual! Note how she will inhale deeply through the nose into the back of the throat, apparently to loosen the mucus that accumulates during the feeding frenzies. Then she will hawk it out into the nearest receptacle, usually utilizing the emptied Pepsi. Sometimes the Break Room Pig will just spit right into her lunch bag instead. This is obviously a territorial behavior, because it causes all other humans in the area to leave the Break Room habitat in short order.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed our little journey into the habitat of the Break Room Pig! Next time, we’ll be investigating a related species- Public Pickers!
This post is dedicated to my cow-orker. Listen, you freak, have you no class whatsoever? If you belch, smack, gasp, fart, snork, spit, and generally behave like a hog in public, I pity those who have to witness your home behaviour. I’ve seen greater manners excercised by the boa constrictors at the pet store while they swallow bunny rabbits. You disgust me, and I cannot believe that you have managed to live this long without Judith Martin dealing you a fatal karate-chop to the throat. I guess Mom was right, some people really WERE born in a barn- so please, go back to the herd of ruminants that you came from.

Um, I know you prolly don’t wanna hear this–but why not eat your lunch somewhere else? :confused:

How about the other species…the break room weasel? This species waits until the break room is empty and forages through the refrigerator looking for food. The weasel nevers brings their own lunch…instead they eat yours. It doesn’t matter if your name is on it-if it’s unattended,it’s theirs.

But there is a way to catch the weasel and expose them.

It’s very simple…make a trap lunch. Make a nice looking sandwich and place the wad of hair you clean out of your hairbrush dead center. Make sure it’s not visible from the outside. Whe the weasel eats this the screams will be heard throughout the office and the weasel will be exposed.

I did this and the weasel actually was fired for stealing. Sweet revenge.

That was a GREAT post. Very enjoyable. And I don’t agree that Ivy should have to dine elsewhere. That room is for everyone to use, and a minimal level or decorum is not too much to ask. Personally, I think you should copy and paste that entire post and mail it to the pig. I don’t know if it will help, but at least you’ll know that you’ve been heard.

Zette

hardygrrl, after reading your post, I have now taken a vow to never, ever eat again. You should mail your post to Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers - you may have made a dieting breatkthrough :slight_smile:
My sympathies for Poison Ivy - people sucking their snot around in the lunch room is unbelievable. Maybe she would get the message if someone came over and vomited on her for making them lose their lunch.

Duck Duck Goose- I usually do eat my lunch elsewhere, but when it’s 15 degrees and the wind is howling I have to take my chances in the lair of the BRP. Besides, I can’t just let her WIN all the time, can I? :smiley:

hardygrrl, we had some of those too, but now all that’s left in the shared fridge is a few rotten bags of salad, salsa that is starting to sprout limbs, and several bottles of ice cream toppings (wtf did THOSE come from?!). Even the Weasels won’t touch that stuff!

Our office used to have weekly treat parties. When it was my turn, I brought taco fixings, including two huge crockpots of meat and beans. One man ate the ENTIRE crockpot of beans that was intended to feed about 50 people. I truly pity anyone who had to go into his office for the next several days. I guess that would make him a Break Room Hippo…?

Zette, thank you for the kind words and the great revenge idea. Unfortunately, this BRP is a long-term consultant that the bank has hired, so she is not on our email system, and I am too much of a coward to put a printout on her desk! Plus she’s got about 6 inches and at least 20 pounds on me… I can do a mean Steve voice impersonation, but my wrestling skills are sorely lacking.

featherlou I may barf on the BRP yet :smiley:

Then there are the always-dangerous Break Room Hyenas. They’re generally revolting beasts, and they travel in packs with others of their kind. Their tactic isn’t just to mark (with sound) their territory, but to mark the entire watering hole as theirs. They are easily identified by their vocalizations, which are best described as a cross between the cackling of a ten-foot-tall hen and the screeches of a Howler monkey with its testicles caught in a vise. The 100+dB screeches are not constant but punctuate brief spates of muttering among the pack.

Other creatures try to defend their own right to eat and drink in peace (we all need to be able to hear the predatory, tapeworm-like Supervisors sneaking up on us, don’t we?), but are invariably met with the pack mentality of the Break Room Hyenas. Anyone who voices objections to 100dB Hyena-yelping are characterized as “having a problem with mammals in general.”

The Hyenas usually retaliate afterwards, away from the watering hole, out on the open veldt. The retaliation is never a direct attack but instead in the form of vicious bites on the back.

Sadly, the only known remedy for the Break Room Hyena is a double-blast of a ten-gauge shotgun, but such weaponry is banned from most corporate veldts and watering holes.

Is this the same sub-species that suckles it’s young whilst reading from that time-honored book for Young Hyenas, " The Veldt-Veteen Rabbit" ?? :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

Oh, and DDG, you sound like a woman who’d been trapped for too long in the teacher’s lounge :smiley: Stop by craft services one day when I’m working, we’ll feed you fresh hot jalapeno poppers and herbal tea. :slight_smile:

Cartooniverse

It is for quotes like this that I wander the dangerous area of the pit. This one’s a beauty. I’d keep it for my sig but I don’t want people thinking I have somthing against bunny rabbits. Still, thank you Poison Ivy for a good laugh.

We’ve seen the pig, the weasel, and the hyena- I must confess that I am a Break Room Vulture.

Leftovers are my standard fare. No, I do not dig through the garbage, and I do not circle around someone else’s meal waiting for them to finish. I subsist off of voluntary leftovers and free food.

The developers bought pizza but couldn’t finish it, so they put it in the breakroom? I’m there. Accountants had sandwiches delivered but got an extra one? I’ve descended onto that cardboard box from the deli, with a saran-wrapped sandwich, a cookie, and bag of Ruffles. I scoop it up and carry it back to my nest (er, desk) where I happily feed in private. Got the 5 sandwiches for $5 at Arby’s and don’t want all of them? I’m your man.

If there’s no scraps, then I’ll usually go without, in case someone else has a late lunch and has extras. Of course, it’s extremely bad style to ask, and regular charitable contributions are pretty much taboo, too. I’m not a Break Room Leech, after all.

It’s an amusing OP, and begs a description of the perpetrator. I imagine her as a fat lady (not hella fat i.e. just nasty gross fat, but pretty fuckin’ tubby), who wears a muumuu, with dishwater-brown hair and glasses, squinty pig-eyes, and a sullen, Misery-nurse demeanor.

Then again, she could be a Pirate Re-enactor, in which case she is simply demonstrating the culinary habits of 17th-Century buccaneers in order to further illuminate her co-workers and cultivate a sense of historical appreciation within her environment.

Personally, I am a Break Room Moth: if I see a person taking a break, I am compelled to join them. (Provided of course they’re cool enough to hang with.)

So…what does she look like? Is she single?

I once sat next to this woman who would make her Top Ramen in a paper cup and, while it was still steaming hot, slurp the noodles up while making that whooshing sound with her mouth. You know, so she can get some cool air in there to cool off the food. Well, crap! I guess it would be too much of a burden to blow on it quietly first or simply wait for it to cool off.

She also had this collection of paper and plastic bags. She’d go out shopping during work, then come back and empty her shopping bags, but instead of tossing the bags into the trash or into her drawer, she’d play with them, fold them a couple of times, unfold them and fold them some more. And not just for a few minutes. She once did this for over 20 fucking minutes! Have you ever listened to a paper bag rustling for 20 minutes? I almost lost it. Her overhead bin was stuffed full of empty shopping bags. What a freak.

And that’s not even the worst part. She had a strong asian accent, and even though I showed no interest whatsoever in talking with her, she’d try to strike up a conversation. Sometimes while I was working, she’d come up behind me and watch. I knew she was there, but played stupid for as long as my patience held out. Then I’d turn around and ask her what she wanted. She would say something, start laughing, and I’d just stare at her trying really hard to determine what the hell she just said! Then she’d walk back to her cubicle, which was only about 10 yards away, and rustle her shopping bags some more. Eventually, she was fired for exchanging confidential company information with her husband. I can’t imagine anyone living with her and not killing her.

Doesn’t your breakroom have some sort of bulletin board? So sneak in v-e-r-y early or late, or at least check carefully to be sure no one is within sight or hearing distance, and put it up there. (Tip 1: have some reasonable excuse for being in the breakroom at the time. Tip 2: if you’re really paranoid, don’t put fingerprints on it!! :wink: )

RTA sez:

Well, you’re not terribly far off, except the weight and clothing. She is about 5’11", and not really fat but not quite svelte, either. Has the same 5 outfits from 1982 that she wears in rotation, padded shoulders and all. Wears open-toe shoes almost daily, the better to reveal large ugly feet with nasty hoof-like toenails. Really short hair, big ugly glasses, and sourpuss expression. Lord forgive me for invoking a stereotype, but most people here refer to her as “that dyke woman”, although she is married :o and has a kid. :eek:

redtail23, you don’t understand. I am a Break Room Chicken!!! If you saw this lady, you’d be afraid too… very afraid.

Poison, that’s a great story. You know, I have a few friends who like to hunt wild pigs…One actually stuffs their heads and hangs 'em on his wall. I suppose an introduction can be arranged…

Has anyone met a break room benefactor? I work in a place where people regularly bring in treats, and the company occasionally does too. Hard to believe, but true. The break room vultures live well around here!

I am one of the Break Room Vultures in my office. Despite upper management’s continued focus on benefits, pay, etc etc I have to say that the quality and quantity of food that can be scavenged is one of the big things keeping me at this place.

Gotta go - just heard about an unguarded chocolate assortment over by the mailboxes.

This isn’t a bad idea. I remember we were having a problem with a couple of our people not pulling their load at a hospital I worked at a few years ago. I was taking a sociology class at the time. I photocopied an article on social loafing from the book and posted it on our bulletin board. It was great to see the culprits read it while I was snacking away. They both knew right away it was directed at them.

Thank, Poison Ivy, that made me crack up.

RiffRaff, we have a BR Benefactor…well, more of a BR Martyr, but anyway… She comes into the breakroom everyday and cleans everything up, washes dishes, organizes the fridge, makes new coffee, organizes the leftovers from the luncheons that drug reps bring us, etc… She’s great, but she’ll let you know it. :wink:
Here’s one more:

The Break Room Piglet.

The BRPiglet is closely related to the BRP and, while it hasn’t developed the truly disgusting habits yet, it makes small messes all over and expects its mommy to come and clean up after it. You can find the BRPiglet by following a trail of dirty coffee cups left in the sink, coffee drips across counter-tops, old, half-eaten lunches on the table, etc…

Good grief!