We’ve all seen Croc Hunter, right? Put on your best Austrailian accents, Dopers, because Ivy is about to introduce you to the Wild World of Break Room Pig Hunting!
For our first adventure, we are going to journey to the bowels of the bank that I work for. Our destination is the dank, dark netherland known as the Break Room. Note the habitat- this room contains space-age S-shaped tables, genuine Naugahyde couches, pickled-wood paneling from 1958, a kitchen-type setup, and a fantastic photographic mural whose 6 panels all seem to have been exposed to different amounts of sunlight. Yep, perfect habitat for a Break Room Pig! Listen close, you can here the footsteps coming down the hallway now. That step-shuffle pattern is typical of the Break Room Pig. Shh, she’s getting closer! Let’s sit at this table across from the door so we can get the best view of the Pig in her natural habitat.
While our specimen is unpacking her lunch, I am going to give you a little background. This Break Room Pig appears at first glimpse to be a normal human being, but upon closer examination of the grease smears, ketchup splotches, Pepsi stains and other foodstuff markings it’s fairly easy to distinguish her. The vocalizations, however, are the dead giveaway. You will see what I mean in a minute.
Now, we’re about to witness the foraging behaviour of the Pig. This is truly amazing, if somewhat disturbing. At the beginning of the meal, the Pig will open her mouth as wide as possible and stuff in literal handfuls of potato chips with each bite! Then, upon closing her mouth to chew, large quantities of crumbs will tumble down her face, leaving a greasy salt residue on the chin and chest. Fascinating, in a disgusting way! Doesn’t seem to bother her a bit, though. Now she’s going to drink… listen to that chugging sounds as she tips back the Pepsi. Audible for a several block radius, I’m told. When she lowers the drink, you will hear the characteristic AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sound- every single time she drinks- that is why this is one of several vocalizations that identify the Break Room Pig species. Here comes the sandwich… note again the distending of the jaws to take the largest bites possible. Usually the Pig can demolish a small sandwich in three bites or less. Hear that smacking noise as she chews with her mouth gaping open? It’s thought to be some sort of primitive call to the other members of the herd that indicates a source of food has been found. Apparently the display of her partially-masticated food during chewing is communicates the same thing. Avert your eyes if you have to, it is a rather grisly display! Listen for the characteristic belches after the sandwich has been consumed.
Finally, the Break Room Pig likes to engage in a rather unusual post-meal behavior, especially considering her apparently human, almost domesticated appearance. Here she goes- it’s the sinus ritual! Note how she will inhale deeply through the nose into the back of the throat, apparently to loosen the mucus that accumulates during the feeding frenzies. Then she will hawk it out into the nearest receptacle, usually utilizing the emptied Pepsi. Sometimes the Break Room Pig will just spit right into her lunch bag instead. This is obviously a territorial behavior, because it causes all other humans in the area to leave the Break Room habitat in short order.
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed our little journey into the habitat of the Break Room Pig! Next time, we’ll be investigating a related species- Public Pickers!
This post is dedicated to my cow-orker. Listen, you freak, have you no class whatsoever? If you belch, smack, gasp, fart, snork, spit, and generally behave like a hog in public, I pity those who have to witness your home behaviour. I’ve seen greater manners excercised by the boa constrictors at the pet store while they swallow bunny rabbits. You disgust me, and I cannot believe that you have managed to live this long without Judith Martin dealing you a fatal karate-chop to the throat. I guess Mom was right, some people really WERE born in a barn- so please, go back to the herd of ruminants that you came from.