Some fans of Sex in the City might remember a story arc where Carrie’s boyfriend Berger (Ron Livingston) broke off their relationship by leaving a Post-it note on her desk. This obviously causes a lot anger for several episodes.
So, my question is this - What, if anything, is wrong with breaking up with someone using a polite Post-it, Dear John letter, voicemail, email, message on answering machine or any other method that does not require you to physically be in the other persons presense?
Obviously, she is going to get upset regardless of whatever method you use. Why subject yourself to all that emotional drama since it won’t change the end result? Why give her the opportunity to scream at you for an hour or fling plates or whatever?
I dunno, for me it’s a respect thing. I got dumped via email before and it was just insulting. Basically, it says “I don’t even care about you enough to interact with you while doing this, it’s just another thing to cross off my to-do list.”
It’s just that, you’re being dismissed already and it only adds insult to injury when it’s done in the most dismissive manner possible.
So don’t put yourself in a position where she can keep you there for an hour or throw plates. Do it somewhere semi-public or where you can control when you leave - her doorstep, coffee shop, street corner, whatever. “I’m sorry, it’s over, I’m not in love any longer, this isn’t working out.” [Other person cries/grumbles/something else.] “I’m sorry, you’re a decent person but we aren’t right together. Goodbye.” Then leave.
As the others said, breaking up via a non-face-to-face method either says that she isn’t worth the decency of having to say that to her face, or that you really do think she’s a legit psycho and are one step from taking out a restraining order. If you thought enough of this person to date them for a serious amount of time and are merely ending the relationship because of lack of chemistry/similar goals/whatever, rather than serious issues like the other person is a psycho/sleeping around on you/whatever, then you should at least be decent enough to treat them with that last little piece of respect.
But the advantage of dating Post-it notes is that you don’t have to break up with them. It’s understood from the beginning that the relationship is temporary.
As opposed to liquid nails from which you separate only at great cost to your structural integrety.
Sorry, no insights into the intended question, but a memorable high school discussion on relationships compared to Post-it notes and liquid nails made the smart aleck response too hard to resist.
I suppose it depends on the length of time you have been going out. I also suppose it depends on how much of a dickhead you want to look like when you break up.
I never understood the whole dinner and a breakup thing you always see in the movies. Do you sit there fidgeting for an hour until she asks “is something wrong?” or do you break up first and then eat in awkward silence? Does anyone really ever break up with someone over dinner.
The corporate breakup probably isn’t a good idea either - “I’m afraid due to a variety of parameters and circumstances, we are going to have to terminate the current relationship scenario. I will now open the floor to any questions.”
Here’s a more dificult question. What if you are living together? Do you break up first and then move your stuff or move first?
My sister broke it off with her ex-fiance by moving out when he wasn’t around. I don’t remember if she called him to tell him she’d moved out and they were through, or if she left a letter instead. She was afraid he might become violent or at least blow his top in anger and start throwing plates or something (not at her, necessarily), so that’s why she did it that way.
I broke up with a guy I’d been dating for a few years via letter, but it ended up that I pretty much had to do it that way. We were in a long-distance relationship, at separate colleges, and we saw each other when we’d go back to our mutual hometown on breaks. I figured I would tell him at our next break, but I found out he wasn’t going home for that break, and I didn’t want this to drag on for months. Since when I called he only rarely seemed to be in (not to mention that he wasn’t writing much, and so on), I ended up writing him a letter. Months later, I got one back apologizing; apparently he’d been reluctant to actually do the breaking up, and was essentially slowly cutting off contact, hoping I’d be the one to do it.
Again, it’s a respect thing. Would you rather come home and see all of your SO’s stuff moved out, with no explanation provided and then have to run around frantically trying to figure out what the deal was, or would you rather your SO show enough respect for you to sit down and let you know what’s going on first, so you see it coming?
From how loaded I asked that question, I’m sure you can imagine what side of the coin I land on.
Of course, this method wouldn’t work for everyone. If your SO is violent or you think they would retaliate if given a chance (I’ve been there, too) then I’d say move out first. But I’d stand by my first answer for any normal, non-psychotic relationships.
If I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks, and he decides to leave me a message on my answering machine, I’m not going to take it to heart, really. After 3 weeks, I’m probably not all that emotionally invested in the first place.
If it’s six months, or 3 years, then hell yeah you’d better show me the respect of doing it to my face. And it’s not only a matter of respect - these people breaking up with other by email or text or what have you are, in my not so humble opinion, nothing but cowards of the lowest order. Breaking it off with someone is hard stuff to do, I know, but I think anyone deserves a chance to ask questions. It has nothing to do with changing the outcome, but if you’re going to change the face of my life drastically (and before anyone jumps on me, I think having an SO walk out of your life, does make for a huge change in your life, even if only temporarily) I think I at least have the right to know why you’re doing it.
And I have the right to stare daggers at you the entire time, and give you the finger as you’re walking away
Seriously though, even if it’s by phone, it wouldn’t be so bad - at least it’s an interactive process. If you’re too chickenshit to dump someone properly, don’t date anyone.
The concept of breaking up a relationship of more than a few days worth via a Post-It is so offensive that it astonishes me you could ask, and I hope I’m being whooshed. Generally speaking, a Post-It is for casual, doesn’t-matter-if-it-gets-lost communications.
It is perfectly reasonable to break up with someone if you’re unhappy. It is insulting to do it in a dismissive, blowing-them-off sort of way. Show the respect you’d want to be shown.
Actually that happened to a friend of my girlfriend’s. Her friend thought she had been robbed until she called her boyfreinds family and they were like “uh…he moved out”. Not the way I would do things. On the other hand, I just moved in with my GF in Hoboken and I hate the town so much I was tempted to move back to Manhattan when she was on vacation. Those feelings passed though (just about the time she came home a few days early).
Yeah…now see that’s the kind of unpleasentness I would prefer to avoid.
And in that particular episode of Sex in the City, a Post-it was not really that bad a way to go. It wasn’t as if it came out of left field. The relationship was in obvious trouble. He left for a while to go think in the Hamptons (Carrie going borderline psycho in the meantime). Came back to give it another try. Didn’t work out so left a goodbye letter on the only stationary she had.
Long distance relationships are a special case since no one wants to travel x hours at y cost just to break up with someone. Is a phone call or letter a better way to do it? (Note: Moving away without telling her and THEN sending a letter from a safe distance is kind of sketchy).
I think I’d probably rather avoid the unpleasantness of being dumped, but I doubt I’d have much choice. It may not be pleasant, but them’s the breaks. You break up with someone, it’s hard, and you have to face up to it. Otherwise, like I said, don’t get into meaningful relationships at all.
Worse than a Post-it is the “suddenly stop calling/returning phone calls/emails” dump. All the fun of a disrespectful dump plus bonus lengthy uncertainty/concern/dawning realization. You had balls last time I checked, boy, whatever happened to them?
You know, that’s really the reason I don’t date. At all. I’m so freaked out by the idea of breaking up with someone (not being dumped, having to be the dumper) that I’d rather not even get into that sort of situation. (and, it’s one of my more shameful admittances, I have broken up with someone via note (not post-it tho’) and I still feel really bad about it.)
I don’t know how/if it works in real life, but the theory behind these scenes seems to be that the dumpster believes the dumpee won’t get as violent/loud/upset if there’s crowd around.
