I ate a rather large portion of ice-cream last night.
I am lactose intolerant.
So today at work was quite the adventure. I had to duck into safe zones for relief from time to time. The bathroom works great for this but is not always nearby. Other options are empty hallways less traveled (walking dissipates the flatulence faster).
And (I thought) conference rooms that are locked and dark. I have a master key for the building, being that I am in the maintenance department, so I can use any room I choose in case of emergency.
Well no sooner do I duck into such a conference room, and drop ass, when in walks the organizer for the next meeting to be held in my “safe” zone. I, with nowhere to go and no time to ward off the visitor, am stuck in the room with this rather attractive woman asking me questions regarding my presence in said room.
The only thing I could think of was that, " I was there to make sure the lights and the projector screen were working properly."
She placed her material on the desk and then hustled out of the room to (probably escape) get the rest of the things she needed.
I am certain that she had made nasal contact with last nights ice cream. There is no way she couldnt have. I must have turned ten shades of red. I neither intended to offend nor take light in offending others in this manner. I left before she came back. If it had been a fellow male employee I would have stated the obvious and directed him out of the room before he had a chance to suffer. Being that it was a woman, I just couldnt bring myself to call attention to it. I think I was hoping it would go unnoticed, but I seriously doubt it did.
I need some input from both genders regarding this.
Females and males, how do you deal with flatulence at work?
How do you handle getting “caught”?
Don`t be shy people, come to my aid here. Right now I feel like the only person on the planet that this has happened to.
Oh, and all your responses will be kept annonymous.
Not an answer to your question, but I had to post about the sequential thread - this thread was adjacent to “Aromatherapy Help Needed”!!!:eek: :eek: :dubious: :smack:
Dude, you could have said, “I got a report of a foul odor in this room. I’m afraid I can’t do anything about it though. Maybe it’ll dissipate with time.”
It’s easy for me to write that, but I wouldn’t have been quick enough, either.
You’ve discovered that there is no such thing as a safe zone where farts are concerned. The moment you let one go, the door will open and a number of people will enter to enjoy your company. Experts now believe that all seven Gilligan’s Island cast-aways could have been rescued if they all stood on the shoreline and farted simultaneously.
A friend once had business to take care of in a downtown Tacoma, Washington office building. He knew the building well and took a back elevator to the seventh floor. When he was finished with his business, he got back on the elevator and being as he was the only one on board. let loose what must have been a real ripe one. To his horror, the elevator stopped on the sixth floor and 3 guys in suits entered and all headed for the first floor. My friend said about the time the elevator doors shut the second time he had to let another one go. When the elevator opened at the first floor, all 4 bailed out as quickly as possible. The 3 guys headed to a back door and left, my friend went looking for a restroom.
As he was finishing up in the rest room, a Tacoma police officer approached him and asked for his ID. When he asked why, he was told that the mayor of Tacoma was just assaulted in an elevator by someone using a foul smelling chemical and he fit the description. He told the cop he only farted and that was why he was in the rest room, he had to relieve himself. The cop told him he was not going to write him up then, he did not want to testify in court that he ticketed someone for assault when all they did was fart. I would have loved to seen all this take place.
This happens to me all the time. My cubicle is relatively isolated from most of the people I work with (no, I’m not down in the basement like Milton from Office Space). I don’t get too many visitors, but sure enough, the moment I decide to let one go, sure enough, someone will show up at my cubicle. I call these PTFs (poorly timed farts).
I was on a ski trip in Austria. The guy I was traveling with was lactose intolerant. At the end of the day, we had some fantastic apple streudel at the restaurant high on the slope. The streudel had sweet cream on it.
The hotel we were staying at proudly states that it was once the home of W. A. Mozart. As we left, I observed that anyone occupying the room we had just left would probably think that W. A. stood for “wolf ass.”
Re: Farts in public places…like a friend of mine says, “If you’re ever lonely, just fart.”
What’s worse is getting on an empty elevator after someone’s ripped a particularly ripe one, then having other people get on between your floors. I swear I could hear those two women’s noses wrinkle as I got off.
I shoulda said “It wasn’t me!” but they probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway.
There never is any safe place to fart at work, especially if you work in an office environment with little or no air circulation or windows to prop open. I’ll admit that I can get a bit ripe at work now and then, and usually when I decide to unleash the “green fog” someone decides it’s time to pay me a visit (i.e. Lumbergh checking on the TPS reports). I watch their faces for a few seconds, waiting for the “fight or flight” response mechanism to kick in once they’ve noticed that something isn’t right. Most of them choose “flight” and get the hell away from me with a few choice words.
(slight hijack)…But has anyone stepped into an elevator just as someone else leaves–and they left a little present for you? It happened to me a few weeks back. As I exited the elevator with some third-party fart still lingering, a few co-workers get on and immediately look at me like “WTF?” The elevator doors then close, and so does my defense case that it wasn’t me who farted and ran. Johnny Cochrane couldn’t even have me aquitted if I was charged with guerilla-style fart-bombing the elevator (enter Cochrane-esque cliche here).
They (some clever, soon to be millionaires) are developing seat cushions that have a charcoal filter material built into it. The claim is that you can let loose into this thing whilst you sit and not have any affect on your environment.
I can picture the flatulent co-worker making the fart-face while he lets one go, all the while being confident that his excreta will not be noticed by others.
A buddy and I were in an elevator and he ripped off a monster. Just then it stopped and some people were about to get on. Without a word to each other we both just got off. We figured waiting for another elevator was a small price to pay compared to what they went through. Happy trails!!( We were only 4 floors from the lobby, so their residence time wasn’t too long)
I was thinking, “Man I hope they aren’t waiting in the lobby!”
:eek: :dubious: :smack: