Bridesmaid’s tales of woe

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Podkayne wrote in a now-closed thread:
I’m just annoyed about a couple of things and I wanted to vent, so everyone can say there-there, Podkayne, buck up, it’s not as bad as the time I had to wear sea-green taffeta and dance the chicken dance. Sheesh. I even said I’m probably much more annoyed about it than I have the right to be.

Chin up and show your dimples, dearie.
You should have seen the bridesmaid dress o’doom my sister in law made me wear. It was PINK, had one of those stupid little jackets, and was an empire line waist. Is there a woman on G-d’s green earth who looks good in an empire line dress? If there are, they sure weren’t in my brother’s wedding party.
I can also see your chicken dance and up you a galliard. For those of you unfamiliar with Renaissance dance, a galliard is a sort of rhythmic leaping from one foot to another. It’s a very specific rhythm and for this rhythm-impaired white girl, it was a sweaty challenge. My fiancée (Did I get the gender right this time? He’s the boy.) is quite fond of galliards and I worry were going to have at least one at the reception. I wonder who’s going to be hating me in a few months.
If you really want to see how reasonable your sister is being, read etiquette hell.

2

This is not a bridesmaid’s tale, but it is an anecdote I sent in to Etiquette Hell that they haven’t put up. So I’ll post it here!

Several years ago, Mr. Rilch and I attended a friend’s wedding. “Brandon”, the groom, was, at the time, an Army Ranger. His brother, “Dylan”, was the best man, and an Army pal, “Steve” was a groomsman. Dylan’s then-GF, now ex-wife, “Brenda”, was a bridesmaid. (There were a few other attendants, but they don’t come into it.)

The ceremony was absolutely lovely. Then the bridal party left the church and spent the two-three hours before the ceremony riding around in the limo drinking champagne, and, I think, some hard liquor. By the time they arrived, everyone was in various stages of inebriation.

When everyone was seated, the attendants assembled to toast the B&G. Dylan made a short, maudlin, but heartfelt speech, then turned the mike over to Steve.

Steve, who was either the most loaded or the least able to hold his liquor out of all of them, started a rambling speech about how he and Brandon had met in Basic. Somehow he veered off into a rant about the sacrifices servicepeople made (this was pre-9/11, but even now, his attitude would not have been well received). He got stuck on this subject, and I could see “Kelly”, the bride, drop her smile, whisper something to Brandon, then bravely paste her smile back on.

Mr. Rilch and I were at the same table with Brenda’s dad, who is ex-Army. He wasn’t in my eyeline, but Mr. Rilch could see him clearly, and noticed him grow increasingly more agitated. By the time Steve got to saying, “So when you punks are warm in your beds on a Sunday morning you just think about us freezing our asses off in a tent in the Persian Gulf (people freeze in the Persian Gulf?) and you wouldn’t be there without us…”, Brenda’s dad had half-risen, pushing back his chair and scowling.

Dylan, seeing this, reclaimed the mike and said something, I forget what, but it was enough to get Brenda’s dad back in his seat. Dylan then passed the mike to the other groomsman (Kelly’s brother), who began telling Brandon what a fine choice he’d made. There was an audible exhalation around the room.

As I mentioned before, Dylan and Brenda are now divorced. Brandon and Kelly are still together, but he’s now a cop. First in his class at the police academy, I might add! I don’t know what happened to Steve.

Oh, and I fumbled the bouquet. Brenda officially caught it, but I was still the next bride! :stuck_out_tongue:

3

Rilchiam

Dylan and Brenda? Brandon and Kelly? Best friend Steve? Come on, fess-up, this was really an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 wasn’t it? :wink:

4

The Devil’s Grandmother - I’ll see your ‘empire waist dress’ (quite fashionable on some women, but mebbe not pink!), and trump you with two words.

Butt. Bow.

No one looks good in a butt bow. Especially one on a halter dress.

A backless halter dress.

A floral print backless halter dress.

Complete with ‘spring hat’ - those mesh wide-brimmed hats so lovely for an afternoon tea with the society girls on a yummy spring day, with little plastic flowers tucked into the crown band.

Thank the deities I didn’t have to wear it, but my sister (in a relative’s wedding as a bridemaid) did. She looks great in almost anything. This looks hideous on her.

(BTW, male form would be fiance.)

5

screech-owl was it one of those big ruffly multi-fold bows in a contrasting color to the dress? Those are always my favorites at weddings.

On the subject of the butt. bow. …brides, a caveat about considering them as a part of the bridesmaids dresses…yes, of course the purpose of a bridesmaid dress is to be as hideous as possible so as not to detract from the vision of loveliness you are in white satin, taffeta, pearly, bridal blushiness, but…the butt. bow. will distract the wedding attendees from looking at you because we are too busy pointing and giggling at the butt. bows. to notice anything else.

This has been a public service announcement.

6

I read threads like this and I’m so thankful I was never asked to be a bridesmaid. I was in my cousin’s wedding when I was 9 or 10 - that was OK. I did a reading for one sister, sang for another, was a guest at brother’s wedding, didn’t attend last sister’s, guest at BIL’s, guest at good friend’s. I’ve been spared the butt bows and the hideous colors. And for my own, I eloped - the bride wore khaki!

:smiley:

7

swampbear - no contrast. Same hideosity as the dress - looked like someone had ripped out the back panel of the dress, tied it in a bow and stuck it to the butt.

Funnier part was, my sister is thin and shapely, but the bow was so big, it stuck out beyond her hips sideways. Looked like she had airplane wings.

8

Of all the wedding traditions, I think female attendants wearing matching outfits is among the silliest. I mean, really! What are they, a chorus line? For what other event would you ask people to dress in the EXACT SAME clothes to celebrate something with you?

And while it might look fetching to have the pretty maids all in a row lined up there matching, that’s not usually the photo I see displayed over the fireplace five years later.

My favorite alternatives are:

(1) pick the fabric, give guidelines, and let bridesmaids get their own dresses made (I’ve seen this done to beautiful effect by a friend of mine. Four dresses, all a bit different, but the same color, each bridemaid feeling happy about a dress she chose herself)

(2) Let them wear whatever makes them feel good, within whatever guidelines the couple wants to provide. I told my sister to wear something purple. She complied, buying herself a dres she liked that she’d wear again. We both were happy.

9

Word, Screech-Owl.

I can only imagine that soon, there will be a backless, strapless, cerise gown with a mondo butt-how and matching head-bow for sale at Nordstrom’s. <Shudder> Do you think some designer will manage to make a backless empire gown someday?

(Yes, “mondo”. I’ve been reading the “If you were born in 1967” thread.)

10

screech-owl I trust you have at least one picture of this to pull out and show in front of her friends. That is just priceless and should be shared.

11

When Mrs. Babe and I got married, she chose some basic maroon velvet numbers from Marshall Fields. This was near Christmas. They were about 90 bucks a pop, and all of the bridesmaids were glad to wear them again. Especially the two that were very pregnant. They were thrilled to have a fancy preggers dress to wear during other pregnancies.

Damn, the tux rentals were more that the bridesmaids dresses.

12

Hee hee . . . thanks Grandmother.

Shall I mention sis’ first wedding, where bridesmaiding duties were extended to flower-girl herding? The flower girl was all over the place, running back and forth, hitting people with her rose, rolling around on the floor . . . You name it! The bridesmaids took turns trying to grab her as she trundled past and get her to stand still until she wriggled free again and was off like a shot.

Then the ringbearer fainted. (He was okay once he went back to his parents. Just a little too stressed!)

Brides, if you’re considering including young children in the ceremony, think carefully. Both these kids are great kids, but too much was expected of them–just a bit beyond their maturity level. Let the little kids do their thing, then let them go sit with parents (or another responsible party, if Mom and/or Dad are the ones getting hitched!)

Despite these small inconveniences, the ceremony was really lovely. Can’t even complain much about the bridesmaid dresses. No butt-bows. . .

Now, over lunch, I heard tell of a bride who dressed her bridesmaids in miniskirts and go-go boots. Sadly, it was in the Nineties!

13

Hm. I’ve had some horrible dresses - one butt bow, which was bad. My sister, though, won the contest - she had us dress as Southern Belles. Hoop skirts, big hats, little lace gloves, and parasols. Due to a horrible lack of taste on her part, the dresses were red satin with black lace trim. We looked like the porno version of Gone With the Wind.

That wasn’t the funniest story, though. One of my work friends got married about ten years ago, and chose a sort of 1930s-ish dress for her bridesmaids. The dresses were gorgeous - pale peachy beige silk, slim columns that had a band holding the skirt tight below the knees. They were worn with high, high heels. Gorgeous on every girl.

During the rehearsal, everything went beautifully. Everyone marched down the aisle in jeans and sneakers, making sure they knew which way to turn.

Then came the wedding. The first bridesmaid came down the aisle, up to the step that led up to the altar… and stopped. See, with the tight skirts and the high shoes, she couldn’t lift her foot to get up the step. So she just kind of shuffled around, looking panicked. By this time, the second bridesmaid was 2/3 of the way down the aisle, with #3 following closely. Within three minutes, all five of the bridesmaids were milling about and bumping into each other. The waiting crowd was laughing hysterically. Finally one of the brighter groomsmen grabbed a buddy, and the two men lifted each protesting girl onto the altar step by grabbing her elbows and heaving.

It was the best wedding I ever saw. :smiley:

14

[HIJACK] Hey Podkayne-your thread got closed before
I could respond to the humor-impaired. Glad this one got started.
[/HIJACK OVER]

I have the cursed bridesmaid dress. True fact. There’s nothing actually wrong with the dress per se-it’s actually quite lovely. It’s a dark green silk sheath with a jacket. However, it was purchased for my father’s second marriage-henceforth known as the nuptials from hell. [sub]no, I’m not jealous that my father remarried and no, I’m not suffering from some Freudian complex -she was a bitch [/SUB] I’ve worn this dress to several weddings and each and every blessed one has ended in divorce and disaster. It has now been retired.

15

Well, my friend is getting married in January and hasn’t picked out bridesmaid’s dresses yet. I know she’s pretty sure they’ll be champagne colored. It’s a horrid color on me (I’m the white girl in the wedding, and I’m wicked fair skinned…but it’s her wedding, and I’ll try to come up with a tan, for her).

My brother’s wedding, I was a bridesmaid in that. The bridesmaids ranged in age from 26 (me) to 12 (her sister). Find a dress that looks good on that range of ages? Mine was too small through the chest area - small enough that I couldn’t wear a bra because they don’t make them in my size in the low back style that this dress required. At least one other girl had to pin her dress to her bra to keep it up.

It was still a pretty wedding, and it was what she wanted - and so we all wore them and were happy for them.

16

seawitch, that is so funny. i can just imagine it!

all i can add is: all the weddings that i have been in, have all worked. (knock wood.) no divorces.

17

Heehee! No, that’s the way I submitted it to Etiquette Hell!

I’d noticed that most people were using psuedonyms, many of them were names of fictional couples and families, which I found helpful in keeping track. IIRC, there was an anecdote about the bride “Rachel” and the groom “Ross”. Anyway, I found those names to be quite apt. “Brenda” is nasty and manipulative; “Brandon” is stalwart and earnest; “Kelly” is beautiful and ladylike; “Steve”, in the one impression I got of him, was a goof, to say the least. “Dylan” is not at all like the 90210 character, but I’d gotten that far in my analogy, so I stuck with it.

Now, I have to recommend that if someone is going to read anything at all on Etiquette Hell, it should be the Titanic Wedding Disaster. It’s unique among all wedding horror stories that I’ve heard, because it ends well. So many anecdotes end with, “And the bride went down the aisle weeping…and this one’s still not talking to that one…and we burned the proofs as soon as they arrived…and you still can’t talk about it to the bride’s mother…” But in this instance, the whole family pulled together and saved the wedding!

Also, look at the group photo, at the bottom of the page. The caption mentions that “the gowns don’t match the guys’ vests, but oh well…” That alone is proof positive that everything does not have to match perfect to be acceptable! If the gowns had matched the vests, I suspect that would have looked just too, too. This way, the vests simply lighten up the color scheme, while the dark gowns probably looked better indoors anyway.

And as someone said a while back in a thread about public speaking, no one in the audience, or in this case, among the guests, is going to know what the original plan was anyway, so why sweat?

Cranky: Get them made. D’oh! I never thought of that!

Years ago, my sister was called on to be a bridesmaid. The bride wanted the attendants to make their own gowns. My sister, who has not operated a sewing machine since middle-school home ec, naturally balked at this. So did the other attendants, so the bride eventually caved and let them purchase gowns, while grumbling about how “special” it would have been. :rolleyes: See, the bride was an interior decorator, and tended to forget that not everyone had her skills. But jeez, this was 1993, not 1893! People only own sewing machines unless they sew on a regular basis and are consequently real good at it! It’s no longer something that everyone knows how to do.

seawitch: Parasols?! Were they in lieu of, or in addition to, bouquets? It’s difficult enough to handle a hoop skirt; adding a parasol would be excruciating. And if there was also a bouquet to keep track of, I’m sorry to say, I probably would have flung it down and stomped out of the rehearsal.

And I could see the catch to that “1930s gowns” anecdote immediately. Yay for the groomsmen!

18

Sorry, but I have nothing against butt bows (unless they are the size of aeroplane propellors). I had a butt bow on my wedding dress, and my bridesmaids had them too. And I didn’t have a single complaint.

I’m going to write to them now and ask them if they hated their dresses, but were too nice to tell me so. I’ll let you know what they say.

19

My sister had 4 bride’s maids, and we made our gowns. We varied over a foot in height. Our hair, eyes, and skin tones varied as much, if not more. One woman made all her own clothes, two played around with sewing machines, and two were pretty sure that the little pointy thing has something to do with getting the material to stick together.
I searched for weeks to find material that would look reasonable on each of us. Under electric light.
Under the natural sunlight at the reception, all four of us looked like vampires. I could not of picked a worse color if I had tried.
But all our dresses fitted us wonderfully, and every-one thought it was a great idea.

20

Brother got married less than a month ago…

Went off well with the only problem being the Best Man’s wife bitching and complaining about how much money it was costing them to stay the weekend, eventhough the hotel chosen for us was rather cheap.

It was great none the less.