Brilliant reviews for crappy movies.

The best reviewer of this type is Mr Cranky (scroll to the bottom to see his rating scale and you’ll begin to understand where he’s coming from)

He’ll find something negative to say about any movie, like March of the Penguins :
"I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them. "

Or even a movie he rates very highly Murderball:
"Its main goal to prove that, like normal people, quadriplegics can be assholes too. "

The best is to go into the archives and look at some classics that he rates very highly, like The Silence of the Lambs:
“What cop in his right mind actually steps inside Lecter’s cage? Idiots. Come feeding time, I stand about fifty feet from his cage and spray baby food to him with a fire hose. The hell if he’s cutting my face off.”

Two other famous bad reviews:

Leonard Maltin on Transylvania 6-5000:
(singing in time to Pennsylvania 6-5000)
“Transylvania 6-5000 stinks!”

And of course, the immortal review of I Am A Camera:
“Me no Leica”

Pauline Kael could occasionally rip a good 'un:

"I have written in the past about the potential television has for supplanting the movies one day. “Fun With Dick and Jane” makes it seems like a good idea.

There was (is?) a poster called JarbabyJ. She had a thread call the Ann Rants and she had several zingers for that author.

The one that stuck in my mind was

You’re books are great for hollowing out to hide stuff in.

James Berardinelli doesn’t review many bad movies anymore, but often gets very creative with his reviews when he does. Most recently, there’s his review of The Dukes of Hazzard, which is styled as a dialogue between WB execs deciding to greenlight the project.

Another good one is his review of Major League: Back to the Minors which is styled as an interview with Berardinelli in the broadcast booth of a baseball game in which director/screenwriter John Warren is up to bat.

It’s similar to his review of Angels in the Outfield, except in this review the actual movie is up to bat. It’s less clever than the Major League one though.

That reminds me of the FlickFilosopher’s take on Tomb Raider. It’s styled as if the experience of going to watch that movie were a text-based computer game, complete with some torturing of the execs who green-lighted the movie.

When Leonard Maltin actually reviewed movies on ET, he had a 1-10 scale. Tho one movie he rated a zero. for another he started playing the clip from the movie. he got up, waved his hands dismissively at the screen, and left.

Brian

Slightly off-topic, one of my favorite Dorothy Parker-sims:

The House Beautiful is the play lousy.”

This thread makes me realize how much I miss Tom Shales on Friday mornings on NPR. I didn’t listen to his reviews so much to see if he liked a movie or not, because Tom hated everything, but for the colorful way he would tear it apart. I really wish I could remember which movie he reviewed when he said it was like a Road Runner cartoon written by the Bronte sisters.

For some reason, this Ebert review made me crack up.

And yet, he did it right there. (Mention them both in the same sentence.) I know, I’m being nitpicky - and I love it. :smiley:

Portland’s trendy weekly, the Willamette Week, as a great film review crew that rip into whatever’s new and terrible each week. Case in point, their review of the Dukes of Hazzard movie (typed up from my hard copy, I can’t find it on their website):

The Willamette Week was also the home of one of my all-time favorite bad movie review of all time, bar none, in an article formatted as follows:

Headline: Ice Princess is brilliant!
Byline: Oh, wait, it’s the same old Disney shit.

The one I remember most was by the reviewer for our local free weekly paper, Nuvo. He gave Battlefield Earth ZERO stars, which was explained in the full review. (You’ll have to scroll down, it’s alphabetical.)

However, my favorite line is, “As Psychlo security chief Terl, Travolta gives a performance that would make William Shatner wince. Decked out like the bastard son of a Klingon and Gene Simmons, he is the king of camp, hissing, snarling and overenunciating nonstop.”

Brilliant! :smiley:

I still remember Gene Shalit’s review of Barry Lyndon:

“A feast for the eye and ear–a famine for the mind.”

Mike Nelson of MST3K wrote a book called Movie Megacheese that’s filled with tasty zingers. Here are a few:
The visual effect of Draco in “Dragonheart” was achieved using the same technology as that used for “Jurassic Park,” wherein hundreds of supercomputers and thousands of man-hours are used to make the visual effects look every bit as realistic as 1920s bendable clay puppet technology.

Seeing [Marlon Brando’s] buttery, corpulent mass oozing around in bed with the 30 percent postconsumer plastic recycled body of Faye Dunaway was as horrible a thing as any man could be asked to endure.

According to “The Postman’s” recommendations, if you liked “The Postman,” you’ll also like “Demolition Man” and “Sphere.” I don’t doubt it. However, if you liked “The Postman,” you might also enjoy a nine-hour flight to Fargo, North Dakota, with a small child kicking your seat the entire way.

“The Mirror Has Two Faces” is a fascinating glimpse into the febrile mind of a megalomaniacal lunatic – and it has a peppy theme song!

I’ve always been fond of the NYT review of Battlefield Earth.

Martin Guerre is hell.

One of my favorites was Roger Ebert’s review of Mad Dog Time. The quote isn’t exact, but it was something like, “Mad Dog Time does not improve upon a blank screen viewed for an equal amount of time. It should be cut up to provide free ukulele picks for the poor.”

I’m reading agonybooth.com right now, and laughing till my sides hurt. Right now, I’m on ‘Overdrawn at the Memory Bank’.

My personal favorite pan of a flick was from Roger Ebert’s review of Alien Resurrection:

“…The interstellar human government hopes to breed more aliens, and use them for–oh, developing vaccines, medicines, a gene pool, stuff like that…”

and

“…These aliens have a lot of stuff in their mouths; not only the tongue and their famous teeth, but another little head on a stalk, with smaller teeth. Still to be determined is whether the littler head has a still tinier head inside of it, and so on. Like the bugs in “Starship Troopers,” these aliens are an example of specialization. They have evolved over the eons into creatures adapted for one purpose only: To star in horror movies…”