If you are intent on trying to resuscitate this relationship you will need to pretend you have some self respect. End the date as soon as it becomes obvious that she is unconcerned with interrupting
your conversations with her texts. No need to be snarky. Just tell her that she seems distracted and you have things to do. Bye, bye. Love you but don’t want to impose when you’re not into being together. Talk to you soon. Then go. If she is interested in you she will get the message quickly. Once or twice will do the trick. If you don’t get the desired response you will know that you are wasting your time. Just remember to keep your tone pleasant and non judgmental. Best of luck.
Based just on this, I’d say you’re about to make quite the catch. Do you have a ring picked out to land her yet?
Though I snipped out the remainder of your OP, I read all of it, as well as your responses to people’s replies. My advice is :
Get away from this woman as fast as you can.
In my experience (and I had plenty of it when younger) it is better to be miserable and alone than to be miserable and dealing daily with all the sorts of things you currently are. I promise you - they will continue.
As Steve Martin said in one of my favorite movies (L A Story) :
“There’s someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.”
Keep those goggles charged up.
My HO.
PS: This is just advice from an anonymous person on an internet message board. I am well aware that it is far easier to say this sort of thing than to do it.
If you’re committed to plugging away at it, I truly wish you the very best. Just yesterday, my SO and I celebrated the 27th anniversary of our relationship. Take heart!
Sounds like your entire relationship sucks. Get out of it now, before you waste any more of your life.
You come across as intensely suspicious and distrustful of her behavior. If that is the vibe you have with her in your day to day communication I can understand to some degree her irritation with you and desire to close you out of areas of her life just so she doesn’t have to explain them to you or deal with your questions.
Is sounds from all angles like this relationship is on the decline. I’m not clear from your description as to why you are both together. You do not sound like you are making each other very happy.
That’s not being nice. That’s being a doormat.
Your wants and needs are of equal importance to your partners’ in every relationship.
Might I suggest you talk to her about these issues/concerns, and see how she reacts? If she is as committed to the relationship as you are, she will listen.
And if she’s unwilling to talk about it, walk away from the relationship.
This. She stayed at her best friends place, slept till 11am and is still to tired to be a good friend/SO?
It does not appear that she is putting much work into the relationship.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it worth the discomfort? If she never changes, would you be happy to continue like this into the future?
I’m a bit intrigued by this thread-I think that I’d keep the girl and lose all of the questions. She is still with you, enough to keep making 45 minute drives to be with you. She shows up with only a limited amount of hot clothes, with her tits hanging out…uh, let me see…“I know, let’s go somewhere!” even after she objected and told you that she was dressed only for staying in. Hmmm…
I usually am all for dumping a chick when things get weird, or there are inconsistencies, but, in this case, I think that you are the problem. Some people are private/very private, and you seem to think that because you want everybody to know all about your life that all others are the same.
She obviously does, or did, care about you, at least as far as she could, but, IMHO, you are trying to get her to be like you, instead of going with the flow.
Her ‘missing day off’ situation may just have been her need for privacy coupled with her wanting to tell the truth, creating the red flag in your mind. Your suspicion, and her actions/lie are both reasonable. You want to pry, she wants one day off to herself, without giving an explanation of any kind.
Of course, your being a dork with wanting her to spill her guts as you are so fond of doing, may already have been the final straw, and she is just looking to dump you now, as a matter of course.
MY PRONOUNCEMENT: Don’t break anything off, keep on as you were, enjoy the time spent with her, BUT, stop the stupid questions and don’t expect too much. If you, refexively, ask her a question, and she gets pissed, try to turn it into a joke:"Oh, you’ve got something to hide, huh! Well, let’s start by exposing THESE things[as you grab the wench’s bosom]!"
Again, I am intrigued, so, please keep us updated.
Not really.
When I ask her about smaller things in total innocents, then her hackles come up.
Therefore, I am reticent to bring up inconsistencies and strange things that might point to infidelity. Also, I am reticent for the same reason to bring up that she is very odd about her texting and other phone habits, at least from my perspective. I did not grow up texting and immersed in smart phones. Prior to my mid 20s, folks communicated in person or by phone. It would be unheard of for someone to take multiple phone calls and not mention the person calling, etc to the people in the room, no less their SO. I see texts as little different, really. However, when I see 20 somethings in a group ignoring each other and on their phones the whole while, it makes me believe that the view of communication has been diminished. It seems communicating with others in a digital form is such throwaway garbage, and even those obsessed with it realize it subconsciously, that it seems barely worth mention. Well, that is odd to me. It matters because of the ramifications that it can have.
I haven’t brought these things up to her. I do not question her incessantly or barely at all.
I made the original post to ask the perspective of others on whether I was being a bit crazy or not.
I believe that relationships involve a bit of accountability.
For instance, if someone states they did X on date Y and then later contradict it, then it is perfectly reasonable in my mind to ask for clarification.
To me that is having accountability. It is not the accountability of knowing what someone is doing at all times or expecting them to be perfect. It is the accountability of being honest and taking feedback on behavior that the other reasonably thinks can hurt both parties or the relationship.
It is interesting that my post is a bit of a rohrschach test it seems.
I appreciate your post and this snippet.
I’ll say this.
From my perspective, privacy has its limits in a relationship.
For me, when someone is intensely private about the communications they have in front of you, then it comes off as shady.
I do not pry. I do not look over her shoulder. In fact, I make a point of looking away.
She has a huge sphere of communication that I am not privy to.
Imagine, as I stated before, that this was before the cell phone and texting “revolution”.
Imagine if someone was having multiple, short phone conversations in front of their SO and did not communicate who they were speaking with, etc at all.
This behavior is consistent with someone intensely private and also consistent with the more probable case: someone that wants you out of their business because you would not like their business.
Update:
She and I had a full day planned today.
I was driving her car with her in the passenger seat.
My stomach was upset this morning while driving so I needed to stop to buy antacids (yeah, I know, emblematic maybe).
I pulled into the back of a convenience store due to parking. There were two entrances, one on the left and right.
I walked into the one to the right. The cash register, however, was to the left, and so I walked out a different exit.
When I walked up to the car from a different angle, her cell was on her knee and she was texting and in mid-text, meaning typing.
When I opened the door, she stopped typing, fumbled for the lock screen key, and then slid the phone into her pocket where it usually is not. Her face was one of big eyes and tightly pulled face that said “kid caught with hand in cookie jar”.
I began driving and she was absolutely silent.
About five minutes later, she gingerly pulled her phone out of her pocket and hit a few keys. I was thinking that she was in delete mode at that point. She then slid it back into her pocket. It re-emerged in another 10 minutes and she typed a short text which I thought might be something of the sort of don’t text back or I’m busy to whomever. Her phone was then in her pocket and on silent the rest of the day.
I was reeling at that point due to some shock and was quiet as well. I asked her why she was so quiet and she said for no reason. She was also looking away.
We had already bought our tickets, etc for the day and I was still in shock and wondering what to do. So, I just went with it at that time, and I was also processing what I saw and how I felt and what it might mean and whether I was crazy.
On the way home about 5 hours later (of agony), I pulled over and asked her if we needed to talk about anything. She said no.
I then told her that I believed that she was perhaps communicating with someone that she did not want me to know about. I explained her actions earlier that day and told her it was so iconic that it was like a cliche from a movie (like a fumbling husband closing browser tabs and slamming his laptop shut to avoid admitting to watching porn or something). I then gave her an out by stating that maybe it was an ex that needed support and she was afraid of what I would say. I told her to have the guts to tell the truth.
She did not get upset at my accusation. She got angry and began what appeared to be acting somewhat.
She handed me the phone and told me to check it all I wanted. I told her that I did not want to do that and also that she could have easily deleted everything. She said that if I restored her phone that all messages would pop back up. I told her that, no, a restore would in fact wipe the memory.
She then stated that she was offended at the question and that she trusted me completely, etc, etc.
It seemed rather formulaic: someone accuses you of something and so turn it around to make them feel bad at the thought, despite what you saw.
We drove home 1 hour in silence and I dropped her off.
She then sent me a series of texts about how I want to control her life and that we need to have separate lives that are independent and then come together for stress relief and the like. She then stated that she resented how I keep her up-to-date on what I do during the day and that she felt it was some sort of pressure for her to keep me posted.
I told her I simply want to tell her about my life and feel that she should know what I do with my time to some extent and that relationships involve some accountability and knowledge.
She flipped out and wrote me walls of emotionally goobly gook about how everyone should accept everyone else exactly how they are…etc. Just idiot, Oprah book club garbage, pop psychology designed to let everyone off the hook if they employ XYZ argument.
Really disheartened. Waiting until tomorrow to make up my mind.
I believe she was employing this:
It did not help that the accusation was related to something 5 hours old.
She told me I could look at her phone and email account at any time, but she knew that I would not do that, want to do that, or be in a relationship where I had to do that. Also, it is easy enough to hide things on any electronic device or to set up alternate email accounts. She might be really stupid or think that I am.
So, it was an offer that she knew would end the relationship if I really took her up on it. Perfect thing to offer.
It is difficult when you are a very genuine and honest person to be confront with and develop feelings for someone that you slowly discover does not swim in your same “ocean”.
Her reason for locking cell, sliding in pocket, and then looking odd in a millisecond was that I startled her because she did not expect me walking from that angle and also she does not like to text in front of me because it is rude.
I would never do this though.
If I were frightened suddenly by someone approaching my vehicle, then the last thing I would do is think to lock and pocket my cell in mid-text.
This is all conjecture, but it felt like the parmesan on top of the lasagna today.
OP, you mention that she has you on her Friends list on Facebook. This may or may not mean anything, but in her “About” tab does she list herself as being “In a Relationship” with you (or anyone else)?
And does your profile show you in one with her? I’m just curious to know HOW asymmetrical this relationship is.
Lastly, in my long line of solo-venting messages, I brought up that her cell is an issue because she never tells me anything about anyone she is texting. I explained that she has written 100s of texts in my presence and never once volunteered to tell me whom she is texting or any part of the conversation (e.g. “haha, so and so is at the mall and saw a weirdo doing head spins”).
She told me that I could have asked at any point and can now. But this seemed like a bit of a ploy to turn things around.
I explained to her that when I am around my male friends that if they get wrapped up in a text stream it is not uncommon for them to mention something about it and that this was somewhat normal behavior that she totally lacked.
She then turned it around and told me that none of her friends ever mention anyone that they text ever when in her company and that it felt weird to her when I would offer some details of my texting behavior. She told me she did not care and that it was too much information in her book.
It is odd when someone takes privacy to extremes when around their supposed SO. I routinely disclose small things to friends and do so even more when around her because I want to infuse the point that I am not hiding anything at all. It is a good way to build security as emotional investment increases, at least in my book.
Isn’t this just a perfect set up for a woman that wants a steady boyfriend to give her emotional support and sex a few times a week while allowing her to do whatever she would like?
Sorry, drinking beer right now to deal with these feelings, which I know is not healthy.
You’ve obviously been sharing with her to a higher degree than she’s been sharing with you – and apparently EXPECTING reciprocity without ASKING her for it.
That’s not going to work. I say this, not based on my own experience, but on what you’ve told us of yours. Trying for another six months to get reciprocity you’re not willing to request would be futile. It’s time for you two to have a discussion about your expectations for reciprocity in these matters. She might even tell you that she’s been thinking that you OVERshare (she probably won’t, though).
Welcome to the SDMB, btw. 
P.S. From what you’ve posted, it seems as though while you regard her as an SO, she regards you as a fuckbuddy.
Maybe.
She states that she loves me and is exclusive.
Her father was absent and not faithful to her mother, and her mother was an OCD control freak. So, her patterning seems one of a parent that questions everything and one that avoids those questions to live their “life”.
So, she is the perfect storm of daddy issues and reactionary to any attempt to confront her on any behavior (e.g. it reminds her of her mom yelling at her over how she folded her socks in the 3rd grade).
In retort to me texting her a few times per day, she stated that she had long term relationships before where they only saw each other or talked once every 2 weeks and it was fine.
I told her that that was not a normal relationship where both people loved each other, and she was silent.
She’s messed up. It’s only a matter of time.
She tells me whatever I want to hear to keep me satisfied and then when I get upset she tells me whatever she needs to to shut me down.
I talk to my brother and 2 close friends and they remark how I have never been like this before after several long term relationships. They first question my current sanity (bc they see a shift), and then reflect and then question hers.
I’m open to any further messages, but will stop now.
My posting here has allowed me to process in a diary form what is obvious to everyone else.
If my GF makes me this miserable then I need to move on no matter where “fault” can be assigned.
It is just always a very significant event for me to do this, and so I hang on and get too may opinions.
I am getting these and many IRL perspectives as well from trusted men and women.
It is adding up.