How do I express my concerns without sounding accusatory?

That basically sums it up. Lately, my GF seems very distant from me. She just moved into a new apartment, before that she lived in her dorm room. For the week and a half before she moved in, she was spending nights with me. She moved in last weekend, and has spent all her nights there since. I have seen her four times since then.

The first and second times I went there of my own accord, after calling a few times and her never answering her cell, or it being off (her apartment has no phone yet.) While I was there, she didn’t talk to me very much at all (she usually does.) The second time she was putting together furniture, everytime I tried to help, she told me to stop, and semeed to get very annoyed. In addition, both times, she has been very against me touching her and kissing her. In fact, the first time, as I was leaving, I bent in to kiss her, and she purposfully moved her head so that I would kiss her on the cheek. I tell her I love her, and she just nods, says ‘uh-huh’, maybe softly mumbles back that she loves me, certainly not what she used to do (which would be to say it back in a loving manner.)

The third time I saw her was to help her find her cat, who had gotten out. (Luckily he was only hiding on top of the refigerator.) No real weirdness there, because ther was really no time. After cat was found, I basically just left then. This was probably the closet to normal she was, because we did talk a little like we usually do.

The last time I just stopped in briefly, to see if she wanted to see the newest episode of Buffy that was on tonight, She doesn’t have a TV, so it required me bring her here. She said she was to busy, and to have me record it, and maybe later in the week we could get together.

I called a few times yesterday and went there, but she was never there (not to mention never there the first few times I went over thhe few times I saw her.) Same thing today. I called, left a message, went there a few times, not there. I called one last time, around 9:45 (last time I checked to see if she was there was around 8:45.) She was there, but just went to bed.

I am very concerned that she is acting so weird. Last time she acted like this was last fall before we went on a break. During said break, she saw another guy. Then she broke up with me. We got back together after she said she made a mistake, and so forth. I tok her back, and everything has been fine until now. I fear one of two things, or both.

  1. She is thinking about ending the relationship.
  2. She is seeing someone else, and by someone else, the only person I could possibly think it would be would be the same person it was before.

I wouldn’t think the second part were true if it wasn’t for the fact that she is never in her apartment, and never answers her phone. She also doesn’t have a car or even a license, so she doesn’t have many places she can even go to, and not even she can spend that much times with her roommates. Now, it’s fairly easy to deal with the first problem, we can just talk. But I can’t think of any way to express my concern that she might be cheating on me without sounding accusatory, thus making what problems we might have that much worse. Of course, even if she is, she might not be likely to come forth with it anyways, and then still get made that I was accusing her.

Any suggestions on what to do?

Find a new girlfriend.

It’s over, pal. Move on.

Your only chance is to send her two dozen roses and don’t call for three weeks.

But she doesn’t sound worth it to me.

You can always ask her if she thinks that the two of you should start seeing others.

Ah bouv, I’m so sorry.

I agree with Zoe. If she’s worth it, do what she says. Otherwise, break up with her first.

What a wimp she is, to act this way instead of talking!

Big hugs, sweetie.

Yup, not to be brutal, but… (well, hell, you already knew the answer when you sat down at the keyboard, didn’t you?).

Sorry – it sucks – but it is so over.

And to answer your question in the OP, you can’t ask her what’s up without sounding accusatory. She’s TRYING to get you to bring it up so she doesn’t have to!

You bring it up, the two of you have a huge argument and there it is, the reason to break up.

Gazelle nailed it.

She wants it to end, and she wants it to be your fault so she can go without guilt.

I’d just stop calling and visiting. If she wants to end it it’s incumbent upon her to do it.

Open up the topic. In a friendly but concerned tone of voice list her actions you’ve noticed lately: not kissing, turning her head, spending less time with you, appearing to be angry when you moved the furniture (it’s less threatening to say “you seem angry”, rather than “you’re angry all the time!!!”).

Ask her if there is something you did to cause this change. Listen to the answer. Don’t defend yourself until she’s talked it all out (if she does).

Get a clear answer to “Are you wanting to break up with me?”
If she says yes, well, that’s it.
If no, then explore the topic “what can we do to make things better?” If you get this far, you have to let her know how you feel, and what you want.

If she won’t communicate about it, then she is not a GF, just an immature chickenshit.

The way to not sound accusatory is to not accuse.

“Things have seemed a little off between us. Want to talk about i?”

I hate to provide any hope when your relationship is probably dead as a doornail, but she could just be angry with you over something. You said you’ve seen her four times since last weekend – so it’s been, what, five days? If you said or did something that pissed her off, she might just be holding grudge. Did you accidentally destroy her Ming vases during the move? Did you fail to help her move? Did you kick her cat and laugh about it? I’m not saying you should be looking for ways to blame yourself for her behavior, but maybe you should ask “Are you angry with me over something?” If she’s angry, and sane, she’ll tell you. If she’s insane, she’ll say “If you don’t know, I’m not about to tell you.” (Yes, I’ve been on the receiving end of that line) If you get the second answer, dump her. If she says “no” then move on to the “things are off” discussion.

Best of luck. You’re probably doomed. Sorry.

As a Buffy fan you should know all about the I statements. [WillowS3] Giles, nobody’s doing the I statements! [WillowS3]

If you want to stay in the relationship, set up a time in a neutral setting and start off with something along the lines of “I feel like some distance has sprung up between us and I wanted to see how you were feeling about it.”

The person who speaks next loses. Oh sorry, that’s contract negotiations.

Hate to say it, but having been through similar experiences in my past, it looks like your GF has already decided the relationship is over. Her behavior clearly indicates that. Too bad she doesn’t have the decency to tell it to your face.

For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to be the one responsible for the break-up. So you can either just cut off communication altogether and go your separate ways, or have a serious talk. And then go your separate ways. I prefer to have the one last talk, as it gives closure to the relationship and leaves no doubt in either person’s mind that it’s over.

Which, sadly, is the case here.

FranticMad and Sengeklat gave good advice. You CAN talk to her without sounding accusatory.

And, personally I don’t think it’s necessarily over. She’s in a new place and is probably having great fun getting all settled in and just wants to be alone to enjoy it for a bit. She just doesn’t know how to tell you that without upsetting you. Give her a little space for a few days and then try to talk to her. Please don’t take offense but, from what you’ve said here, it sounds like you’ve been crowding her a little.

I agree with Sunglasses. She needs space now that she has her new apartment. Be Patient. And stop driving by to check on her.

She’ll let you know when, and if, she’s ready for more.

Well it’s over.

Fuck.

Iwent to her place after she got out of work. I asked her if she still loved me, I know, a little strong to start off with, but it got my point across. She said sometimes. She explaineed that she liked beong alone and going out with her friends and having fun. Apparantly fun includes not being with me, and possibly hooking up with someone else. After some more talking, I brought up soemthing I shouldn’t. I knew she had slept with someone else, because while she went to the bathroom I made the mistake of looking in her trash…yup, a used condom. I wouldn’t have even looked if it wasn’t for the fact that I saw some unused ones in her room, seeing as she didn’t have any to my knowledge before, my suspicions got the best of me. At first, I just asked her if who she might have been seeing was someone I knew, she asked what made me assume there was already someone else, and I mentioned it. As predicted, that was of no help, and she said simply that Ishould go.

So I think that means that it’s over, no matter what. Whatever chance I had to salvage it was lost when I snooped around and made a stupid comment. I know youwill all say I’m better off without her, but I can tell you that you’re lying. I love her. I love her more than anything. She hurt me, but I still want to be with her. I’m pathetic, I know.

The break was already done. You looking in the trash had, and would have had, no effect on the outcome. Neither did you mentioning it. Sorry. I, for one, will not tell you to buck up or anything else of the nature. This sucks and you hurt.

I agree with peri. If she was sleeping around on you, then her behavior towards you wasn’t “I’m in my new pad and just want some space” feelings - she wanted to force the issue to make you break up with her. I’m sorry she was a bitch to you, and I hope your heart will heal up soon. :frowning:

Holy shit. No, she didn’t want to force the issue – she just wanted to sleep around and not tell him. Damn. I’m really sorry bouv. This is not worth salvaging. If she’s going to go having sex with other guys behind your back, that’s it. It’s done. Jesus. That kind of crap really makes me sick.

You said I’d be lying, but I’m not: YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER. Someone that would treat you that way is not worth you. Leave it and move on.

One final bit of advice, and will the rest of you back me up here?

Do Not Call Her.

DO NOT CALL HER!

You’ll hate yourself in the morning.

I have to say something radical here.
Do not call her.

You’re not pathetic. We’ve all been through that (well, some of us). That stuff hurts like hell. Don’t call her.