Getting dumped sucks ballsack.
Calling her, emailing her, asking her friends about her, stalking her won’t get her back.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and have an inkling of what you’re going through. Cutting a person out of your life isn’t as simple as turning off the tap, but that’s what you’re going to have to do. Please take care of yourself.
Do not call her. Pick up what’s left of your dignity and move on. How old are you, anyway? You sound like a teenager in the throes of the first blush of puppy love. If you’re older than 25, you shouldn’t need to be told what just happened here.
No, not exactly teenager (but just barely…20) Not my first love, just my second. Although this was the first very serious relationship I was ever in (longer than a few months, first one with sex as a part of it.)
I’m certainly not going to call her, or start stalking her, but part of me still wants to talk to her, if only to clear some things up (though mind you I won’t even ATTEMPT to contact her to do this for at least a couple weeks.) I just want to know why she felt the need to not tell me she wasn’t happy. I know that you will all say it was nothing I did, but maybe it was. Maybe I’m a jerk who doesn’t listen to girl’s needs, maybe I need to know this. If nothing else, I can feel satisfied that there was nothing I could do to prevent the cheating and breakup, which there probably wasn’t.
I just typed out a well-reasoned, thoughtful post, but the fricking fracking hamsters ate it, so I’ll try & reproduce it in a slightly less eloquent fashion:
First & foremost… Do. not. call. her. As in, ever.
Second: Is she really a woman whom you want back? She’s cheated on you twice (that you know of). Whether she pulled the latest ‘cold shoulder’ thing in order to force a break-up or because she didn’t want to break it off totally is, IMHO, irrelevant.
Point is, this cheating thing’s now happened for at least the second time in the course of your relationship. Her behavior indicates to me (IANAP), that she simply doesn’t care enough about your feelings enough of the time to stop screwing around. Either that, or she thinks that you won’t find out. In any case, do you really want to get back together with someone who repeatedly behaves like that?
Here’s another thing to consider: Wouldn’t you wonder whether it’d happen again, and when, and with whom? Sure, people change…rarely. And when they do, it’s usually due to a kick in the ass.
Please, move on so that you can heal up. Good luck, man.
I’m sorry this happened to you – you sound like a good guy. I truly think that you will feel better faster if you walk away with as much pride and self-respect as you can. The person that you love, the person you are grieving for, does not exist – that person would not have acted the way that this woman did. You’re not to blame.
Do you have some guy friends you can get drunk with?
A very good friend of mine has some…issues. And every now and again he tells me he’s emailed so-n-so to say such-n-such. And I love my friend, and I support him and what he does and what he feels is right…but every time he tells me he sent an email to an ex I silently wonder whether I should offer to pop a zit on his back or scratch off a scab from a mosquito bite, or if he’d just be happier if I beat him over the head with a hammer.
None of which makes you feel any better, dear bouv, but the effect is the same. You’re at a loss, wondering what you did or did not do to make it work. The thing is? It has nothing to do with you. You’re 20, and so is she, and you’re both trying to find your way in the world, and find out what “is” and what “isn’t”. If you’re still dealing with something similar 10 years from now then, yeah - it’s time to do some soul searching. But now? You’re both learning, she and thee, and part of learning is getting burned, and it sucks and it hurts. And that’s the way it works, whether or not you like it.
It will get better. I promise. 
Right now? Go drink (if you’re into that) or volunteer someplace (if you’re into that) or read a lot more (if you’re into that) or hang with your pre-chick friends more (if you’re into that). Look for ways to take her off your mind, and those ways will help you through.
But don’t call or email her. Just wait. If she thinks she’s done wrong she’ll contact you, and then you can make your choice dependent on what she says. Right now, though? Do what you need to do for YOU.
I agree with chique up to the last paragraph. My take on it would be if she thinks she’s done wrong and contacts you, hang up on her. Slam the door in her face. Delete her emails unread. She used you quite badly, and if you let her back in again (as you did once before), she’l get the message loud and clear that she doesn’t need to treat you properly, and you’ll take it.
lainaf makes a great point; people who love you don’t treat you this way. Like Oprah says, love is an action, not a feeling. When you have a love that treats you with love and respect, you won’t remember why you tried to hang onto someone who treated you with so little love and respect.
Damn, bouv. Sorry to hear 
But in a way, not sorry. You were with a cheater, and you caught her. What if you’d married this girl? At least you found the condom in the trash NOW, instead of 10 years from now when you’ve got a 100k mortgage and 2 young kids to raise. If this had to happen, these were pretty good circumstances overall.
It WILL get better, over time, and this breakup is just putting you even closer to finding Miss Wonderful, who will adore you and tell you so all the time and never cheat on you. It’ll happen for you, no doubt.
Lemme second what everyone else has said: don’t call her. I know the pain is awful right now but let your actions be such that, to an outsider anyway, it’s like she doesn’t even exist to you. Hard, I know, but 1. it’ll help you heal faster and 2. it’ll drive HER crazy. There’s nothing worse than breaking up with someone and having them NOT cry in their beer over you. She sucks. Don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing you unhappy, even if you are inside.
Chances are she will get the guilts in a few months and call and want to “talk.” Don’t. Don’t meet with her, be busy. Be VERY busy. Be having a life. Places to go, people to do. It’ll drive her bonkers that you have moved on.
And yeah, what featherlou said.
I think you have actually saved yourself a lot of pain and doubt and self-recrimination by finding the condom. This could have dragged out for several more weeks.
You had no chance. NO CHANCE! And she didn’t have enough caring for you to tell you.
You are far better off without her.
IMO, do not call her ever again. This woman is not your friend.
Basically, what everybody else said…and DO NOT CALL HER.
Something that took me a while and a truly screwed up marriage to learn:
A person who cheats is a person who will continue to cheat. If a GF or BF cheats, they will continue to cheat even if they become a spouse.
If you date a married/engaged/supposedly committed person who is cheating with you, that person WILL cheat on you.
A cheater is a cheater. It is what they do. Avoid these people like the syphilitic whores they well may be.
This is a hard lesson to learn. Honesty is a rare and precious commodity in the dating market, but if you offer it, you may receive it in return.
Hold your head up and move on. Better things await you. (Listen to elderly Auntie Dee Dee, she knows this stuff from experience.)
Well, I won’t say Don’t Call Her, since that’s been covered.
But this “I need to find out why she felt this way and what I did wrong and how I can improve” is utter crap.
She’s a cheating liar who would rather sulk than talk about the things that are bothering her. The cold shoulder treatment and “If you don’t know why I’m mad I’m not telling you” are for immature 10th graders, not adults in mature relationships.
It’s over. Move on. Don’t trip over anything behind you. The longer you dwell on “What did I do wrong” the longer it will take you to find your next sweetie.
Consider yourself rescued from a bad relationship, get your friends to take you to a strip club, and get on with your life.
Oh, what the hell.
DON’T CALL HER!
In fact, get a friend to keep you from calling her.
I’ve got to second what ivylass said and add, mumbling under my breath, “fucking passive-aggressive bitch.”
Oh yeah, I haven’t noticed anyone else providing this advice in the thread so I’ll say: DON’T CALL HER!
What a bitch. I know you might not want to hear that, but she sounds pretty worthless to me. I have to echo the previous comments of “Don’t call her”. This is your time to move on, go out, and have fun. You’ll find someone even better than her, be it sooner or later, and you’ll think to yourself, “Why did I even put up with her crap back then?”
(bouv – keep in mind, each of the people saying “Don’t call her” has been in this situation and has called --this is the voice of Doper experience you’re hearing here.)
Time is the only thing that will heal you. Calling her will just wound you more and you will later regret it in other ways as well. Walk away knowing that she is the one dishonered. Goodluck!
You poor baby.
Can’t say it enough here in this thread:
Time will heal your wound. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. Years from now you’ll wonder what you ever saw in her.
Refrain from ever calling her. If you happen to see her in person somewhere, don’t approach her or speak to her. Act like you don’t even notice she’s there.
I hope you’ll eventually find someone nice who will treat you well.
I just want to add to the dogpile here, and repeat what’s already been said. You were completely in the right, you’re better off without her, don’t hope for more closure than you already got, and, of course, don’t call her.
I’m not saying this because it’s anything new, but just to reiterate it. Because it’s easy to dismiss the advice of a bunch of random strangers on a message board as not relevant. It’s very easy to think, “These people don’t know the whole story, they just know this one incident, they don’t know all the good aspects of her that made me love her in the first place.” You can still remember the good aspects, the times you were happy and so on, and you’ve always got that – none of that is cheapened by your breaking up. But you’re not going to get that with her again. In other words, be happy with what you had, but don’t try to rekindle it with her, because it’s just going to be more sadness for you.
FairyDust said it right; the only thing that’s going to help is time. You’ll be second-guessing yourself for a while, wondering what you could’ve done differently, but after time you’ll have a better perspective on things. And, maybe, find someone else – but not because you need to get over your previous girlfriend, but because you can see what’s great about the new girlfriend.
No, no, no. You’re not pathetic, you’re human. And it’s not “I think that means it’s over;” it’s over. And it’s obvious that you were the only one putting effort into the relationship. The movie Adaptation described it well: you love her, that’s good. That belongs to you, and you’ll always have that. It doesn’t matter whether she loves you back; you don’t need her to make your feelings valid.
And finally, stop blaming yourself! You did everything you could, and did everything right. You noticed problems with the relationship, you did everything you could to communicate with her, instead of being cowardly and immature, cheating or hiding from it and hoping it would just go away. Was it wrong for you to look in her trash? Not really; maybe you could possibly consider it an invasion of privacy but what’s the option when someone refuses to talk to you? Was it wrong for her to cheat on you without breaking up with you first? Definitely, absolutely, no question. To say it again: she was at fault. There’s nothing you could’ve done. Try not to dwell on being angry or vindictive about it; just realize how much better off you are not having to deal with her nonsense anymore.
And if it makes you feel any better, you sound a hell of a lot more mature than I was when I was 20.
Hi, bouv. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this crappy time. I’m sorry you invested your emotions and love into someone who not only did not return those feelings, but also treated you without respect.
Give yourself some time to heal, and you’ll learn a lot from this experience.
And you’ll realize that you’re not pathetic nor is the intensity of your emotions. Really, loving someone so much and trusting them not to hurt you are among the most wonderful, craziest experiences you can have in this life.
You’re in my thoughts.
–moi