You’re in a monagomous relationship, you and the person have good communication and things seem to be going fine and dandy. Over time, your intuition picks up subtle clues that the person may be cheating. It’s nothing overt, but more like a glitch in the “Matrix”(the two black cats). How do you handle this with the abscence of hard information ie. a smoking gun? The clues may be ambiguous, it could be something like your partner asking you to call before you come over so that they can make sure that their home or done with something that they may be doing i.e. an artist or a musician working on a project.
Teeming millions, what kinds of things trip your cheat alarm? How do you follow up on those things, or do you?
Well… I’m not a particularly jealous person re social interaction, so I’m probably missing some cues that would otherwise be evident to others. People becoming less and less socially available or easily accessible is generally the best indicator, but I think you have to distinguish between cheating and simply a potential growing dis-interest in a realtionship where one person starts to pull back and re-claim some of their “personal space” that was previously shared with the SO without restriction once the infatuation stage has worn away a bit.
The only way you’re going to know for sure is to dog their trail or find direct evidence of cheating, however, if you have to follow someone or have them followed to ensure their fidelity IMO the relationship already has pretty big problems, whether they are cheating or not.
In the face of no direct evidence of cheating lots of women and some men think they can just “tell” if someone is cheating, but often they are wrong as many times as they are right and destroy otherwise viable relationships by being overbearingly paranoid in seeking to ferret out infidelity, to the point the SO says “Enough!” and dumps them, (which of course they see as a vaildation of ther suspicions).
IMO assuming you’re adults, not married and you don’t have kids together (and you indicated neither kids or marriage as part of the equation) I would simply to have a talk with my SO and tell her that honesty and trust are very important, and that if she wants to explore other relationships she is free to do so, but she needs you a give a heads up about her intent to do this (and the house back) before pursuing these relationships.
I’ve read that supposedly, a couple’s sexual relationship often picks up if one person starts cheating.
Two partners cheated on me that I’m aware of. One grew more distant and cranky with me, and our sex life became completely one-sided. (He wanted favours, didn’t want to do anything for me, and we rarely had intercourse.) He started asking for his stuff back. He started going out without me all the time. A mutual friend finally had the guts to tell me what was going on, half a year after the guy dumped me. Thanks!
The second one, well, pretty much the same: he became distant, cranky, really busy all of a sudden, and wanted his stuff back. He started going out without me (even in cases where we had been invited as a couple). Our sex life died. I felt like I was single for all the attention I was getting, so I made it so. I never did obtain any real proof (beyond finding a woman’s phone number on him, and having some woman call my house one night demanding to know why my number was on her telephone.) A funny thing with guy number two is that he also suddenly started showering me with gifts and money instead of his time. This from a guy who was normally mooching off of me.
With the first one, I was clueless. I knew things were going downhill but not why. I even caught him and the woman making goo-goo eyes at each other a few times but never put it together because I was naive, and trusting.
The second guy, I started to suspect it about two months before I dumped him. At first it was only a gut feeling. I became more aware–I paid closer attention to what the boyfriend was saying to see if he made sense (as in, “gee, honey, you need to go to your grandmother’s funeral again? she just had one last week!”) Honestly, I never mentioned my suspicions to him because I knew he would not admit to it anyway. There were other factors in me ending that relationship.
It would be harder to find “proof” if you are dating/not living together as you wouldn’t have access to credit card statements and so forth but some clues may be:
Not checking the answering machine in front of you.
Taking calls into another room.
Not letting you answer his phone.
Clearing out caller ID.
Not meeting his/her friends or family (they usually know).
Unexplained absenses.
If they need “guys/girls” night out (especially if you don’t know the friends).
Giving alibis you cannot check on. “I was out with a guy from work that you would never meet”.
Opinion: I think it’s fine to ask someone to call before stopping over. You may want to clean the toilet or shave the pits or clean up your Spam and eggs breakfast or change the underpant.
I think a person also has a right to privacy, so I think the phone stuff you referred to above can be legitimate. You don’t really have a right to answer someone else’s phone unless they say you can. There could be numerous reasons for clearing out caller ID, one of them could be that it’s full.
My feeling is that a person is entiled to their own time when and if they needed and it’s not an indicator that they are cheating, though it does depend on what else is going on in the relationship. If they were going out to engage in an activity that they know that you also enjoy then that may be something else.
Do you check on the alibis that can be checked on?
But wouldn’t that depend on why you feel that way? What about the person that is insecure to start with or that is under the impression that everyone cheats?
IMO it’s cheating any time you’ve both decided to be monogamous, and one party unilaterally decides not to be anymore, without informing and/or obtaining the advance permission of the other part.
As to the OP: any time there’s a sudden, significant shift in behavior without explanation, or you feel like things are beng concealed from you that weren’t before, that should set off the Cheat-o-Meter. For me, it was when my ex suddenly wanted some kind of pat on the back for having “behaved himself” for two years. To me, that’s a minimum standard of behavior in a serious relationship, not something worthy of a trophy, and he knew that.
Usually cheating is when you’re in a monagomous relationship and you are romantically and/or sexually involved with another person outside of that relationship.
"The fact that one suspects cheating is a pretty good indicator by itself. "
Another indicator is when someone accuses the other of cheating --often the cheater does this because they know they are cheating so they think their partner is too… I’ve seen it alot although it doesn’t always happen & Im certainly not implying it is here either.
cheating is when you have an agreement with the other party & you breach it.
I agree with the sentiment already expressed, that if you’re looking for clues, then that’s a bad sign about the relationship.
But I think there’s an important distinction to consider also: are you asking about physical cheating or emotional cheating? I would suspect that it’s easier to conceal (or, for the other partner, to remain unaware of) the clues to a physical relationship, but much harder to hide the fact of an emotional betrayal.
If a partner starts seeming more distant, uncaring, not sharing, spending lots more time on the phone, at work, in front of the tv, at the computer, etc., then maybe he/she is starting to explore his/her feelings for someone else. And that, of course, often leads to the physical cheating, more than the other way around, I’d guess.
Bottom line, I think it’s harder to hide the fact of increasing emotional distance and if that’s there, then maybe it doesn’t really matter whether the physical stuff is going on as well. What you do know is that there are some serious problems in the relationship and waiting around to find proof of physical cheating isn’t going to help fix anything.
Just watch out for any behavior that is out of the ordinairy for that person. As others have said weird explanations that just don’t make sense or add up or things that make it difficult for you to check on.
My ex-husband did these types of things:
He claimed he was working more hours and didn’t want me to call him at work because he was so busy. If I called and he wasn’t there he gave me some bizarre excuse as to where he was. After all these extra hours of working he actually had less money then usual.
He suddenly had a new guy friend to hang out with all the time and they always hung out over there, never at our place, but unlike his other guy friends he didn’t give me this one’s phone number.
One time there was a female on the answering machine and when I asked him he said it was his cousin.
Another ex-boyfriend started showing up later and later then he said he would. We only saw each other on weekends. On Sunday I would say “Hey let’s do something next Sat.” But by Thurs he would email and say “What time do you want me to come up on Friday?” At first I thought he had just forgotten. Then he started calling and saying he had to change things to Friday because he had work to do on Saturday or the guys wanted him to do something with him on Saturday. It happend so much that I started to suspect. Turns out he was hanging out with his ex-girlfriend on Saturdays and me on Fridays.
Really any behavior that just seems off. I had a gut feeling long before I had actual proof.
Well said, handy. My ex accused me of cheating with one of my female friends–an accusation which particularly surprised me as she (the friend) was living in another country.
Only recently did I find out what she (the ex-wife) was up to around that time–with someone who was living in another country at the time. They’re married to each other now.
As for your last question: No, I do not check alibis. Very happily married TVM. I do however know a few guys that date multiple women who practice the sneaky trends I mentioned.
Of course, people are entitled to their free-time, away from scrutiny…as long as they are not threating people’s health, be it physical or emotional.
As pointed out in many posts, when you notice a behavior change. When you do notice it, ask yourself if it could possibly be because of “cheating”?
When you are in a really trusting relationship, I think most people automatically believe the excuses, half-truths and lies. However, if you take a step back and consider things objectively, then it may be like a light bulb going off.
Actually, handy that is quite a good indication. No smoking gun, but it certainly proved true in my case. Maybe a classic case of “projection.”
If you’re not a jealous person by nature, and you’re questioning your partner’s fidelity, I think that’s a pretty good indication that something’s up. Whether it is in fact cheating or not is another matter. At any rate, there is something amiss in your relationship.
I’m not a jealous person by nature, so I was completely oblivious to my partner’s meanderings. In hind sight, the clues were:
Questioning me, apropos to nothing, about my fidelity.
A sudden drop in our sex life, which she blamed on me.
A change in her usual pattern of behavior. She used to hardly give me any space, and then one week she all of a sudden decides that “space” is a great idea. This is what finally made me sniff out the truth.
Asking for you to call to tell her when you’re expected home. (She was a worry-wart, so I naively chalked that up to her maternal tendencies to worry about her loved ones. In retrospect, a more carnal reason is likelier.)
Strange calls, text messages, etc. I never ever asked my SO about weird calls or messages, being a firm believer in personal privacy. Still believe in it, just a little more clued-in these days.
And all of the other things. If you feel something is amiss, then by all means talk to her about it, of course. You don’t have to be direct, but you could at least say that you feel that something’s off in the relationship and you want to talk things out. Or you could be direct, if you wish, but that could be dangerous. I was direct and it got me nowhere. She lied, of course, and I found out my way.
From my experience, if you smell smoke, there’s always fire. Your conscience will guide you to see through the shallow lies. You be amazed how clear your vision becomes once you smell a rat. For now, just keep your eyes and ears open. When the time is right to part, you’ll know it. Not saying it won’t hurt; not saying you can’t help feeling so blind and foolish (as we all have been there). But, your instincts will guide you when it’s time to move on. Sorry, there’s no clear signs…like how to pick a ripe pineapple at the grocery. Good luck! - Jinx