Disregarding the obvious things like motel receipts, what are the subjective signs a SO may be cheating?
In my experience things like:
flimsy excuses of past whereabouts that seem too coincidental
refusal to participate in discussions about the current state of the relationship
lowered or non-existent occurrences of sexual activities
noticeable lack of eye contact
emotional distancing inconsistent with personality
…are definite clues, but they can all also be explained by stress or depression or even just a person having a lot on their mind, among other simple rationalizations.
How many instances of observed questionable behavior must be observed before one can rightfully investigate further?
The yellow pages are full of ads for private investigators, spy-like cameras and recording devices are as easy to get as bread and milk anymore, and it’s often easy enough to follow someone without being seen, but these things violate the trust the relationship is built upon.
True, you suspect your SO of already having violated that trust, but you don’t know for certain and two wrongs don’t make a right either way.
When does it become appropriate? What circumstances must be met before greater measures can be taken to find out the truth from an uncooperative SO? Does it pay to ignore your instincts or is it better to cover all the bases?
The minute you feel a need to ‘investigate further’ is the time to leave the relationship, both for your sake and theirs. If you feel that you have serious doubts re the fidelity of your SO, then
a) Further investigation will confirm your fears or,
b) Further investigation will reveal no problem, but you will always doubt the thoroughness of the investigative process. You will forever analyse any behaviour of your SO in the light of your suspicions, and unfortunately anything can be misinterpreted if one is already on the lookout for such indicators. In the end, your SO will get completely fed up with your lack of trust, and will leave you, even if they are completely innocent.
In other words, don’t bother spending money on private or other investigations. The relationship is over.
A good friend once told me that once you begin to have doubts about a relationship, it’s over. It’s just a matter of time. And I’ve found that he’s right. It took me two years to end a relationship after he told me that, but I ultimately did end it.
You should analyze whether this is your problem or his (hers?), though. Is his behavior suspicious, or do you have trust issues with everyone?
Holding on to something that is no longer yours ( really, none of us really belong to each other anyways.) is really a futile effort.
It isn’t your fault that your partner cheated. It is his issues with himself that he decided to make the conscience decision to break his word. If he’s done it once, he’ll probably do it again. He isn’t happy with you, but doesn’t want to be alone or cannot tell you to your face…whatever.
If you suspect this activity, your first objective is to protect yourself ( accounts, property, health) and then confront him in a public place ( restaurant is good).
But, if you are getting these signals and your gut is telling you this, you should really listen to it and get your ducks in a row.
What if your S.O. is just having fun and protecting themselves properly from AIDS and other STDs ? Maybe just comparing you to the opposition… and you won.
Older men sometimes can’t avoid cheating… most of my older workmates tended toward playing around at some point. Then they go home and still like their wifes.
I disagree with the assesment that if you are suspicious the relation is over... YOU might be the problem. Paranoid or insecure. The lack of horniness of your wife might be just a work related stress or the natural decline of sexual attraction in any steady couple.
Speaking from personal experience: starting a relationship with someone you don’t trust dooms it from the start. If you have trust issues, you’ll complicate any relationship you’re involved in. Naturally suspicious people tend to lack self-confidence and self-esteem and those are things that need to be resolved if you’re to develop a healthy relationship of any kind.
I’m in agreeance that instincts are usually correct. What I’m curious about is what exactly triggers the instincts? How many questionable signs do there need to be for it to cross over from simple paranoia or jealousy to understandable concern?
I’d be interested in hearing from those that have ultimately caught their SOs having an affair. What, if anything, prompted your suspicion and how did you come to find out for certain?
If my husband were to go have sex with some other woman instead of getting me/us to work out whatever problem is going on, that does in fact sound like reason to end the relationship.
No. I don’t know who told you this, but I disagree. This is a nothing but an excuse to hide behind. Believe me, there are ways to avoid cheating, and being an older man makes it no more or less avoidable.
Agreed. Took me a year to understand that and end it.
When one person is not happy, it’s not going to work out. The other person may want to try, but it is often futile. The fact that a person’s eye wonders is an indication of the problems they are having at home.
