That would be a certain Prof. K. 
Or how you can do abstract maths for a living and not drink
With extreme difficulty methinks. Much like doing astrophysics for a living and not drinking - eventually you’ll crack. 
Well, I think maths and astrophysics entail extreme difficultly whatever you do
Yeah, not least of all with stupid computers that throw tantrums at you, just because your supervisor’s told you to have a shit load of data analysis done before Tuesday.
Me, bitter and upset? Never.
I was going to say I don’t have that problem, because I can always just get another pen. But depressingly often I do have to google up some definition or proof.
Have you tried turning the computer on?
In either sense? (Wow, can I be doubly insulting or what? Sorry, just kidding. I don’t know how they know, but computers definately do smell urgency!)
The computer is on. I refuse to whisper sweet nothings to it because it doesn’t deserve it. Besides, I may well be recently single, but I’m not that desperate!!
One of you has to make the first move. It’s not like you have to mean it; just promise it some new hardware for you to play together with, and see how much more cooperative it becomes…
Now there’s an idea. But then, once I dump the computer for someone else, it’ll feel used, and start acting up, and it’ll make an awkward situation in the office because we’ll have to see each other and work together every day.
You could have open relationships. I know many people who would like to keep a computer as well as an other significant other…
Yes, but then I’d be cheating on my other computer - the one I have at home.
You didn’t say you were already dating one appliance. You may have to choose between work and play here…
They never meet each other.
Yeah, but people can gossip over the internet now. I can’t speak from personal experience, but my sit-com-spidey-sense says: trying to date two people just because you’re sure they’ll never meet IRL is a really bad idea.
What’d you do if they both got bad at you? You’d never get any
internet access.
Good point. That could be a really bad idea. As my friend the astronomer tart will attest to. He’s in a bit of a bind at the moment, and its rather amusing. You’re not perchance going to a housewarming party tomorrow night are you?
The one at home doesn’t give me internet access anyway. 
Yeah, yeah. You’ve got a ‘friend’ who’s an astronomer tart
The sort of bind I described? Oh dear.
Not me… why do you ask? (This house doesn’t by any chance have a really geeky name, does it?)
You shouldn’t stand for that! You do have needs…
Yeah, he’s a friend. Just a friend. A platonic friend. Not one of those “friends” where you wind up in bed together. We are just friends.
Yup. Not so much dating though, more sort of chasing
No reason. Just making sure you’re not going to bump into my astronomer friend, except for at the Pickerel on the 27th!
I know. But he just doesn’t care about me. He just doesn’t understand.
(I was actually implying ‘friend’ was you; never mind. That fell pretty flat.)
So, he’s being a typical man, then?
I don’t think I know any astronomers here. But the odds seem to suggest I know someone who knows him… cambridge is a small place these days.
I know you were. Besides, I’m not in Cambridge at the moment.
sob yes he is. sob
Yeah, you probably do. And you probably know someone who knows me. Which is really rather scary!
Oh. OK, whoosh then.
Bloody men.
Yes, eek! Though otoh, people who know you are more likely to have graduated - which year were you last here? I guess PhD students would be the best bet…