I always thought that if the breakup was his fault (as in this case), the woman kept the ring. If the breakup was her fault, then he got the ring back. The only exception would be if the ring is a family heirloom, then it goes back to the family.
My exfiance broke up with me 6 years ago (thankfully, we were able to stay friends). He told me in the break up letter “keep the ring.” I did keep it, and had it put into a beautiful setting. I wear it every now and then (with no complaints from my new fiance) because 1 – it is pretty and 2-- it reminds me of a time when I was happy. Not saying that I’m not happy with my fiance now, it’s just good memories.
I had an engagement that broke up several years ago. My former husband-to-be was the one who broke the engagement. I offered to return the ring, because it is not only polite; it’s correct. He graciously allowed me to keep the ring.
I sold the ring back to the jeweler for obvious reasons. In retrospect, now that I’m not so upset anymore, I’m sorry I did, because I could have had it reset and had a nice little solitaire necklace. Hey, a girl can never have too many glittery things!
Many years ago, when my Father’s Mother died, I attended the funeral with him. At the wake, at his sisters house, she returned to him an item which had been sitting in his mothers jewelery box for 40 yrs.
It was an engagement ring that was returned to him from a woman he was engaged to before he’d met my mother! It was still in the original box, had never been worn.
He gave it to me. I had it sized to fit my little finger. I adore it.
He’s gone now, and I’m glad I have it. It’s something my father shared only with me, none of my other siblings were there that day or even know the story I imagine. I adore it.
Just in case everyone was assuming all returned engagement rings get hocked. Not so.
I thought it was if he breaks it she gets it, if she breaks it she returns it.
What I’ve heard is that the ring is a contract conditional to marrage. If the marrage doesn’t take place the ring goes back or the value of it. If he sues, he will probally win one or the other. If OTOH you do get married and get divorced the next day you can keep the ring.
Obviously in this case it would be best to go with the legal and conventional way of doing things.
On a more thoughtful level, however, the conventional way of doing things is a bit problematic for me; Perhaps because it makes engagement seem a bit like a business transaction, with the ring as a revocable good-faith deposit. I like to see engagement rings as thoughtful tokens chosen as a special and beautiful gift that also commemorates an important event. It bothers me to see it considered a sort of “money down” on a marriage. The fact is that if you are willing to risk dedicating your life to someone, you should also be willing to give a gift out of the love of your heart. I guess I don’t like the idea of men having a ring which they can give out and take back at will, without ever having to make it a true gift in tribute of the person they love.
If things don’t work out, they don’t work out. But, you cannot expect a money-back guarantee with love. Consider the ring money well spent in a time of joy, not money wasted and to be recovered. Likewise, for women tokens of the past are not always painful. One’s past relationships are a part of you, and help shape who you are. It is worthless to simply give his stuff back and try to erase him from your life. People would do much better to come to an understanding of the different periods of their lives and stop considering the parts that didn’t work out forever as “failures”.
Of course I think that the whole idea of an engagement ring is kind of silly now days, and ought to be replaced with a more equal and practical custom, such as mutual gifts of socks.
I sort of agree w/ you and somewhat like the she breaks is he gets it/he breaks it she keeps it method but that could be hard to prove. By accepting the ring you agree to get married if you have no intention of marring you should refuse - it is VERY conditional at this point.
My former fiance gave me a large and very beautiful solitaire diamond for our engagement ring. The most common reaction to seeing it on my hand (after “WOW!”) was “he must love you a lot”. Not enough to keep some important promises, though, and I took it off. He said he bought it for me, it was a gift. I said it was a promise. He wouldn’t take it back, and how do you sell a promise? After about a year, I met my SO and after staring at that failed symbol for a while, I put it in it’s cushy leather box and mailed it to my former fiance’s out-of-state office. I’m hoping for a promise that will be kept, and I will accept no less. I’d rather have a smaller diamond and a bigger man.
Well…I would say it really depends on the situation.
I was engaged to this guy who I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me; however I found out that he was cheating on me. When I confronted him with this he denied it and told me he only loved me and all this stuff. Well, to keep a long story short, he finally confessed and we broke up(yes, I broke it off). He never did bring up the ring. Even if he would have, I wouldn’t have given it back to him.
I still have the ring, to remind me to make sure the people I trust deserve that trust. I have no intention of hocking the ring. I have it in it’s box just sitting in the back of one of my drawers. Maybe someday I will get it reset or something.
So, I would say in your nephew’s case, his ex should get to keep the ring; however in the case of Rachelle’s friend, I think the girl should have given the ring back. Though it seems like she has no conscience, so he will not get the ring back.
Over the years I’ve managed to start a small collection of diamond rings. Each engagement was bullshit from the second the guy put the ring on my finger and I knew that everytime. I have six rings in a box just sitting there collecting dust. I got all of these before my 18th birthday. Obviously, I didn’t give any back.
Guys, this thread has some of the most intelligent and interesting postings I’ve read in one place for some time. You’re a smart bunch. Even (in her way) young Ms Silver Fire. I love these Boards!
I don’t think either one of them should get the ring. It would only remind them of how sad they are that things didn’t work out. No, I think they should give the ring to a disinterested third party…say, me for instance. Especially if it has a BIG diamond. I need to build a new deck on my house.
